12 December, 2009

CC23: Snooker

I was forced to watch Snooker for nearly an hour tonight.
I wrote this Strongly-Worded-Letter on the BBC's complaints system.

Lateness Of Transmission

Hello, I tuned in at 9:30 on Saturday night to watch the extremely entertaining show "Have I got A Bit More News For You", a favourite of mine for some years now.
I was shocked and disgusted to find that the show had been delayed in favour of an extended game of the so-called sport "Snooker".
There was no estimation as to when the "Snooker" would end, allowing an entertaining nights television to continue which forced me to sit through over half an hour of this painful 'sport'.

Please do not allow this to happen again.
Here are a list of possible solutions to this issue:
a) Stop showing "Snooker": Several of the announcers on this program suggested that the BBC were considering cancelling it. I think this is an excellent idea.
b) Move "Snooker" to a less popular channel: BB3 for example, would be a good home for this program. Or maybe BBC Wales.
c) Bring "Snooker" to an immediate end once its time-slot has been filled: just tell the players that they don't have to go home, but they cannot stay here.

Yours Sincerely,
For the record I have nothing against Snooker per Se. I just never want to watch it. Ever.

Oh son-of-a-bitch they just cancelled Have I Got A Bit More News For You for the night because snooker used up its time-slot.
Okay, that's it. I fucking hate snooker!

07 December, 2009

CC22: Christmas songs!.......Helping to maintain a healthy suicide rate over the holidays.

Two thoughts occurred to me the other day: One, Who would notice if I kicked the slow-ass bitch in front of me down the stairs to help hurry her the fuck up and two, Christmas is actually the perfect holiday. Seriously. I know it's now a soulless commercial haven time-period for businesses but, in a lot of ways, it really is great. First, you get stuff; the only people I've ever heard harping on about the commercialisation of Christmas are usually the sad fucks who never get anything they like. Second, Christmas (and/or) post-Christmas sales are the fucking bomb! You can usually get pretty much anything for a shit-load cheaper and you can get all the sweet-ass box sets too! Thirdly you get to see all your family for a huge piss-up. Hell, even if you don't get along with your family, Christmas is an ideal time to snub them as they'll really get the fucking message now!

But there is one thing about Christmas that really pisses me the fuck off: Christmas songs. Maudlin, horrific bullshit every last one of them. And given that I've been forced to listen to them for the past three weeks now (I work in retail) I feel It incumbent upon me to name a choice few and berate them so in no particular order:

  • "Christmas time (Don't let the bells end)": I normally despise anything the darkness do, including breathing, but this one fills me with pure hatred just thinking about it. Justin Hawkins screeching voice is so grating I almost want to insert a drill-bit into my ear-hole and burst my fucking eardrums. That's assuming the shit music hasn't done it already.
  • "Little drummer boy": This is an annoying song for the ages. The only reason it gets played any more is because it's a Christmas-themed song that gets rolled out without any thought or consideration for the poor people who have to listen. Makes me want to vomit bile every time I hear it.
  • "Winter Wonderland" by Annie Lennox: I actually generally like Annie Lennox, but this song is an affront to nature. This is generally one of the happier Christmas songs, but when Annie Lennox sings it, it kind of makes you want to consider hanging yourself with tinsel. Christian metal band stryper did a version of this song years ago but it's more funny than suicidal. Also Darlene loves' version is so maudlin and shrill it makes me weep. But I suppose she had no choice in how she sang since Phil Spector was probably poking a gun in her ribs at the time.....
  • "Santa baby" by Everclear: No man should ever sing this song. I don't care if the guy is gay it's just fucking weird.
  • "Santa Claus is coming to town" by Bruce Springsteen: The only Christmas song EVER to make Santa sound like a child-molester.
  • "Do they know it's Christmas time": (I know I should feel bad for shitting on a charity record....but i don't...so here we go) You know, geldof, the reason they don't know it's Christmas Time at all is because they're African. At best they celebrate Kwanza. Many Africans are actually Animists. Christmas rarely enters into the thinking of the average African, starving or not. The video is good for playing a game of "Spot The Has-Been", though.
  • "Rocking around the Christmas tree": Maybe the reason I don't get this fucking song because I'm not autistic. This is the only possible reason I can think of.
  • "Christmas in America" by Pat Benetar: A patriotic Christmas song. 'Nuff said.
  • "Christmas shoes" by NewSong: I'd rather rub my cock down with a rusty cheese grater than listen to this sad, droning piece of shit.
  • "El Vez" by Feliz Navidad: A Christmas song by a Mexican Elvis impersonator sounds like a whole load of awesome but you'd be fucking wrong! It takes the 1968 original by Jose Feliciano, nicks a bassline from Public Image Ltd, and machine-guns Christmas with cheese. It sounds like a carnival in hell.
  • "Simply having a wonderful christmas time" by Paul McCartney: Words fail me as to describe this unbelievably shit song. I can think of no more wretched a fucking piece of music than this atonal abortion. It's also afflicted us with the worst video ever also. It has the temerity to feature about 14 different musicians while assaulting you with cack Keyboard music. It sounds like a crackhead with hammers smashing some cheap Casio that the producer found at a thrift store. Also the line "simply having a wonderful Christmas time" is repeated about 666 times which sounds like they're trying to open a portal into our world for Satan to cross over.
  • "Must be Santa" By Bob Dylan: It's official, Bob Dylan has gone mad and is fucking with us.
You will never make friends unless you like everyone genuinely. Oh well, I'm fucked then aren't I? - Thom Yorke.

18 November, 2009

CC21: Curling.....I can win an olympic medal for sweeping now?

If you can measure a person by the sport they watch then you can safely assume anyone who thinks curling is a sport is a complete fucking idiot. Since moving to Canada I've been watching this pile of cack "sport" for a while now and I still don't see the appeal. It's sweeping on ice with stones. That's it. Nothing more. Also I've absorbed huge amounts of flak because of my hatred for the sport.

What the hell is wrong with you people? Brooms and rocks? Sweeping? And we include this stupid shit in the Olympics? The Olympics? I don't see how it can even be considered a sport. There's a reason why I didn't realize that the games were going on until just recently, and don't give a fuck now that I'm aware of it. This international fruitcake janitor competition is a good example, thereof. People have told me that it requires a lot of physical effort to slide a slab of granite down some ice. I don't care if your scrotum ruptures with every sweep of the broom - it's insulting to see it involved in the Olympics. The institution truly has no meaning any longer. It's a joke. I stopped respecting the IOC when they allowed numerous boxers to be fucked over at Seoul Olympics, now I can't stand the shower of bastards.

Just in case you're reading this and thinking that physical exertion is no determinant of what is or isn't a sport then let me ask you this: How do you feel about marathon salt-licking? Shall we defend that 'sport' with a lecture on the 'significant difficulty' that tongue athletes encounter whilst training to lick blocks of salt for the sacred games? How the tongue cramps can break a person's will, how it takes years of dedicated licking to tone the muscle to the extremes demanded in the international arena? Shall we expound upon the horrors of salt burn and the tactical intricacies of stroke-angle and pressure that are required to minimize damage to the taste buds?

No? Well how about distance pissing against the wind, then? I bet exercising the urethral musculature to its biological peak would require immense discipline and noteworthy physical prowess. Not to mention the difficulty in perfecting a technique of forcing the piss stream to such a narrow band that it can penetrate the shearing forces of the wind.

Oh, and just in case anyone who curls reads this and brings up the inherent drinking nature of the sport let me ask you this: Are you really claiming that being able to drink while playing qualifies the game for gold medals? Is the sport that boring that not do you have to pissed to watch it, you have to be pissed to play it? Can you imagine talking to curler? "So what do you do for a living?", "I use a broom........I knew you wouldn't understand"

Most of the newer "sports" are just simply derivations of other sports for people who can't be arsed to play the originals.
I will now compile a list of sports that need to be eliminated for our species to advance:

  • Handball: Football for people who can't kick a ball.
  • Walking: For people who can't run fast. Seriously it's against the rules to run.
  • Butterfly: Its swimming, but made stupid. In fact I don't see the point in any swimming style other than freestyle. Its like having the 100m skip, or the 200m relay roll-along-the-ground.
  • Badminton. For people who can't play tennis. If you want to play tennis, play it. If you want to play volleyball, play it. Don't mix the two and pretend it's a real fucking sport. Also the word "shuttlecock" should ever be used in any sport.
  • Equestrian Dressage: For people who can't win human beauty contests it's the equivalent of a beauty pageant for horses.
  • Synchronized swimming: Especially when they have the commercials with Ronald McDonald participating in it.
  • Rhythmic Gymnastics: Once again... I'm not really a Gymnast so I'll twirl this ribbon and people will think its pretty.
  • Ice dancing: Can't make it as a real figure skater? No Problem.

Forget this shit. I'll give up all my physical conditioning and start sewing for the 2012 Olympics...

Curling is not a sport. I called my grandmother and told her she could win a gold medal because they have dusting in the Olympics now. ~Charles Barkley

01 November, 2009

CC20: Crime dramas.....where bullshit dresses up as common sense and sleeps with his wife, reality.

Or the title of this should be where reality and common sense are pulled apart by rabid producers who then Frankenstein them back together for their own ends.

I've had enough of the crime drama, I really have. It's bad enough that they're rolling out a new one every fifteen minutes but now the ones already out are spawning other sub-series themselves!
Someone needs to neuter the fucking writers and fast because it's getting out of control. I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if the shows had a little variety. But unfortunately you'd have more choice at a welsh fish and chip shop.

Oh there are plenty of shows, don't get me wrong, it's just they're all so similar the only way to distinguish them is by which group of washed up actors they have on screen. We have CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI: New york, CSI: Las Vegas, NCIS, NCIS: Los angelas, Jag, Law and order: special victims unit, Law and order: criminal intent, criminal minds, numbers, without a trace, cold case, etc, etc, etc, and each one has a premise more fucking ludicrous than the last.

Numb3rs: (see? they used a number in the title in place of a letter? how clever! bollocks) A program where an awkward genius and his regular-joe brother partner solve crimes using maths. eh....what?

Bones: A program where an awkward genius and her regular-joe FBI partner solve crime with wacky theories and by using a computer so hilariously far-fetched it makes HAL 2000 look reasonable. That assuming they stop their fucking sanctimonious waffling and actually get to fucking work. Also her little side-kicks smack of the FOX producers trying to make the show hip for younger viewers. Bah, Now I've to watch two hours of the wire to get the taste out of my mouth.

Also how far off-the-rails has Law and order gone? It used to be a gripping drama show with real characters and an actual investigative process (it's in the title in case you missed) now it's got these pathetic spin-offs which are all shit. SVU is basically where they force in all the cases they felt were "too edgy". And criminal intent is just the one with the awkward genius (am i the only one seeing the pattern here?) who "doesn't adjust well to change" and is acted so badly it's appalling.

Another show that is a load of wank is NCIS. A show where some military rejects solve crime in their own kiss-ass way. It's so much bollocks it's funny. It's the walker Texas ranger of the new millennium. It's so bad that it's only promising stat is that it's got more initials than any other shit crime show.

But of all the shows I can't fucking stand it has to be the CSI plethora of bollocks shows. Seriously. CSI and CSI Miami are quite possibly the two worst shows on television, and that's quite a feat. Every single character delivers every single line as if it's some macho catchphrase. You can just see the writers stroking their chins and saying "damn I'm so clever. I think I'll go masturbate to my own reflection" EVERY TIME ANY CHARACTER OPENS THEIR FUCKING MOUTH! Also that Horatio fucker is really working my last nerve with his bullshit sunglasses acting. Why the fuck is it so popular? I also love how the two shows are the same, but with only slight differences.

Main guy has black hair and a beard

CSI Miami
Main guy has orange hair and no beard

Location: Las Vegas

CSI Miami
Location: Delaware

Takes place: At night

CSI Miami
Takes place: In the day

Coroner: Is a Pasty White Guy

CSI Miami
Coroner: Black Woman
Also the bullshit one liners like: "That bullet casing shouldn't be here if the shooting took place ten meters to the west..."

It seems that the crime is the last bastion of the sliding actor. It's a good sign that your career is on a downward spiral when your asked to play a "hard-bitten tough cop who plays by his own rules." CSI has David curruso whose biggest acting part was being one of the sheriff deputies in Rambo. It also has Gary sinise who is a good actor but hasn't done anything good in years. And William Petersen whose last good credit was manhunter! Check the year on that fucker! Sometimes the acting can stoop to lows you've never seen before.

To hell with this fantasy sci-fi shit!..........

P.S: How can Desperate Housewives not be considered a program for guys? The episode I just watched Bree totes shotguns and Gabby kicks nuns. How can men NOT watch this?

22 October, 2009

CC19: Want to ruin paradise? Allow a corporation to show you how...

Sorry for my recent lack of updates to this site as it seems while preparing to move five thousand miles away from your home can be an arduous and, quite frankly, fucking annoying task finding the time to sit down and bitch about it is rather more difficult. But since I've now settled in and gotten myself a typical boring job where the hours are more fucked up than a kid on Ritalin I'd like to get off my chest. Something which has bothered me since I settled here in paradise (that's Vancouver in case you were wondering). Corporations.

Don't get me wrong. I do normally hate corporations. But I never really saw them as beings who tried to upset every nuance of my daily existence until now. They can fucking run amok here! Absolutely everything has a monthly charge. and. i. mean. fucking.everything. Every time I take a piss I'm half expecting the toilet to ask me if I want to sign up for the "express urination package" a snip at only $25.99 per month!

Yes, while it seems that Canadians will protest pretty much anything at the drop of a hat like, say for instance, the winter games being celebrated in their country (yeah i can see how that would anger them, nations of the world coming in and marveling at the sights and sounds and activities of your beautiful country......the bastards) the fact that your bank will not only charge you for not having a certain amount of money in your account at all times somehow slipped under the radar. Also the fact that you'll be charged almost $3.00 per transaction should you have the temerity to use an ATM that's the wrong colour you fuck. And, depending on the type of account, you can also be charged for every transaction past 25 of them. In the words of the virgin Mary: What the fuck? Not only am I being charged to give you my money, I'm being charged for not giving you enough and I'm being charged every time I take some? I'm glad I don't need a loan from these fuckers! What would they want as collateral? Blood? Internal organs? (pay us back or say goodbye to your kidneys!) My soul?

How did this come to pass? (Note to Canadians reading this: No charges you for a bank account in any Euro country. Our banks know their place....until they collapse....under the weight of their own million-dollar bonus schemes..... but that's not the point.) Phone companies are even worse! Try to imagine your reaction if your phone provider had decided to tell you that they would be charging you for all incoming calls and texts. I'll repeat: incoming calls and texts. Two words: Get fucked. They'd go out of business faster than a creche sponsored by Gary Glitter. In fact, not only is it tolerated, but they compete on basis of how many free incoming minutes you get! Oh and just in case you want the name of the person calling you to come up on your screen think again! That's an extra $7. Per month. On top of the incoming minute charge. Yep even if you have your friend saved into your phone book their name won't show up unless you cough up.

They get away with this sort of rampant greed by the sheer size of the country and the sheer lack of competition.For example there are seven phone providers officially but most are owned by the same parent company so they're really competing against themselves and only one person wins in that race: them. Who loses?: you. All told there are only four providers and one is just onto the market so it's crap (virgin) another is staffed by the spawn of Satan (telus) ,one doesn't think coverage inside your own home much less the rest of the country is a necessity, (bell) and the other has quite possibly the worst marketing campaign in history (fido). (Note: there are others but they own the providers i mentioned so what's the point? Rogers is one but they own fido for instance) So four providers in one country. And did I mention it's a big-ass country?

Fuck this: I'm keeping my money in my socks and am reverting to communicating solely by post and smoke signals. Or i would if the post wasn't so fucking slow........

P.S: I would bitch about the government but that would almost criminally hypocritical as I'm from Ireland and our government is so fucking useless you could replace them with baboons high on crystal meth and no-one would notice. In fact they probably comment that they'd all gotten a lot more attractive. Even when they start flinging their own feces at each other.

16 September, 2009

CC18: The Blogger posting interface is unnecissarily small.

It's a simple problem, but an annoyance none the less. I go to my blog when I have something to say that wont fit into a twitter post.
So why the hell would I want to have to squeeze it into this tiny box!

I'm sure this interface was great back when monitors were beige and only displayed 800x600, but this is 2009 (I think) lets see some scalability!

25 August, 2009

This better work this time.

I'm sending this blog update from pixelpipe, it should only appear on A Thought For A Day if the routing tag works!

20 August, 2009

New comments system.

Welcome to the band-wagon, please keep all arms, legs and strange growths inside the vehicle.
I've decided to to put the Disqus coment system on the blog. (because all the cool kids were doing it)
So here it is! (probably)
Please feel free to Disqus Discuss... Or something like that.

And fight the power, yo!

12 August, 2009

CC17: The wayans brothers have made another movie.........I'm climbing back under my fucking rock until humanity learns.

I was watching the telly about a week ago when something happened. Something so horrific that I thought I'd blacked out and was experiencing one of the worst bouts of sado-masochistic dreaming ever.

I saw the trailer for Dance Flick.

I was so traumatised I immediately drank nine bottles of miller and some Jameson to dull the pain. Then I smashed the television set. It was only two in the fucking afternoon! Then through the whiskey haze and sudden brain damage from the advert I decided: I was going to watch that movie and fucking well try to like it. I like to think I've a good sense of humour but I've been let down by it in the past as I only laugh at things that are funny and witty. I'm kinda weird like that. So With Bit torrent's task completed (I'll be fucked if I'm going to pay for this sort of abuse) and with booze and an ambulance on standby here we go: Dance Flick.

Oh what bollocks is this? It's five minutes in and I already want to scrape out my fucking eyes with a broken bottle. I'm aware that a movie that "was brought to you by the same guys who brought you white chicks" wasn't going to impress but, fuck me, they could've at least tried! It claims to parody the entire dance movie genre but it pretty much just copies "save the last dance" a movie that was made nine fucking years ago! But fret ye not as the jokes are as tired and worn too. In fact they aren't actually jokes. It's just the usual collection of fart gags and pop culture references, the first joke of the movie is someone getting pissed on and it's pretty much downhill from there.

Actually I tell a lie there. The first joke is actually the opening credits which are so long and contain so many Wayans that I thought the film was stuck in a loop and I ended up fast-forwarding past them. But it's no loop, there are no fewer than seven of the bastards working on this family turd. Five of them write with one directing and the other three star (I would say act but that term seems woefully inadequate) PLUS the usual plethora of production credits too. It's weird. But the only thing more incestuous than the writers is their output. All the gags are shit and so badly woven together it feels like being repeatedly punched in the kidneys while getting slapped in the face. With a fish.

And it goes on for 85 fucking minutes! 85?! Just shy of an hour and a half of what is essentially a cruel and unusual form of punishment. It doesn't even stick to the dance movie parody gags! There are shots at Twilight (I must've missed the dancing vampire part), Catwoman (as if a movie that bad needs a parody) and black snake moan (eh.... what the fuck?!?). There was no dancing in these movies! This is just fucking lazy! What's even lazier is the set-ups. They basically copy scenes from other movies and then alter them by having someone get punched in the face.Or crushed by a fat guy. This is not satire. Also male dancer's singing about being gay? Haven't heard that one before! Fuck this.

It's rare for a movie to bring low expectations but to actually require them? This is a new low. I couldn't believe Marlon Wayans. He's now pretty much blown all respect he got for Requiem for a dream straight out his ass on this one. He'll never be forgiven. This movie is a stain on history. Like two world wars, global warming and big brother. Actually it's worse. It's fitting that for a movie straight out of hell the directors name is Damien. If you liked Meet the Spartans or Epic movie (and if you did you won't be reading this as I've no doubt,used many words you won't understand the chief two being "fuck" and "off") than this is the movie for you!

And you can fucking keep it!.........

09 August, 2009

CC16: Game developers.....helping make file-sharing the easy choice

I decided to write this blog, when, after finishing off the latest batch of "big" games released by "hotshot" developers I realised a curious thing. I hadn't enjoyed any of them, not one of them had been an enjoyable experience. In fact the experience was more akin to shitting sandpaper.

First off was the latest "alone in the dark" which sweeps the grand prize for biggest letdown. I could not believe how bad this game was. There should be a law against charging people fifty quid for games like this. The plot was ridiculous and laden with inconsistencies and the acting and dialogue was so wooden I had to dive for cover for fear of getting splinters in my face. Also (and i say this with no exaggeration) driving sections are the worst in gaming history. What kind of fucking shit-heap cars are the developers driving? I thought it was some form of social protest at first (you don't buy our games so we must drive shit cars and now so must you mwhahaha!)....ahem. Of course this is all assuming you actually get as far as them because this game couldn't any more bug-ridden even if it released clouds of fucking wasps every time you opened the case.

Following up Atari's' horribly repetitive monster-fest is THQ's horribly repetitive smash-fest Red faction: Guerrilla. Where you play an angry miner with a magical hammer smashing down every building that dares to stand in your way. Or at least you would be smashing them were you not being shot to death every fifteen minutes. My idea of Guerrilla fighters is a tight-knit bunch of crusader-like soldiers on dangerous stealthy missions. So imagine my surprise when the game sent me alone to take on a vast evil army through missions where the closest you'll come to stealth is driving an APC through a building. Oh and it's always a building. ALWAYS. Every main mission has a building you've to destroy, most of the side missions have a building for you to destroy and all of the bonus missions are simply buildings you've to destroy ( but in a certain amount of time with a certain weapon as that makes all the difference.) Oh and I hope you like them because the missions are all the fucking same.

Being a game with such an emphasis on destruction I was surprised at how hard it was to actually destroy things. The evil army are rather efficient at call-outs and at the first hint of your glowing hammer they swiftly turn up in massive numbers to swiss cheese your ass. And you can fucking forget about shooting back as while your character can handle a sledgehammer like a Katana he appears completely unable to grasp the concept of recoil making shooting straight impossible. Not that it would matter as he also seems unable to grasp the concept of ammo with most guns not making it past their second reload. This could be forgiven had the story been good and then we fall down the main chasm of this game: there isn't one. The story can be summarised as: YOUR BROTHER IS DEAD SO LET'S WRECK THE PLACE! Most people I know who lasted till the end of the game still couldn't tell me what it was about.

Which brings me to quite possibly the worst, most disappointing game I've ever played: Farcry 2. In Farcry 2 you, one of twelve gnarled mercenaries, are hired to kill 'the jackal' an arms dealer with such an absurdly inflated sense of self that were he an actual person he could challenge Simon cowell. And that's pretty much as far as the story goes. It seems Ubisoft decided that the best way to counter the complaints about the tacked-on and, quite frankly, fucking useless story in Farcry 1 was to completely dispense with it. The 'kill the dealer' plot-line in Farcry 2 is so hollow it practically fucking whistles when the wind blows.

Now this isn't to say that the characters are underdeveloped. They aren't developed at all. Every single one is an arsehole and acts so two-dimensional it feels like they got Keanu Reeves to do the Motion capture (get it? Motion capture being used to capture the expressions of a man with a face like a block of wood?). Anyway facial expressions are the least of your worries with this piece of shit game as the only one you'll have on will be one of pain and regret. The regret of having spent the money you earned on shit.

The principle gimmick of Farcry2 is the expansive landscapes which are free for you to enjoy. As long as you follow the roads. And don't go into the center of the desert sections. And somehow manage to survive. Apparently Ubisoft think gunfire is a natural accompaniment to exploration. It's impossible to drive more than fifty feet without being ambushed everywhere you go. It's you versus the entire population. In the course of driving from one identical mission to another (a task you will find yourself performing with alarming regularity in this game) you can be shot at by up to eleven different groups of people! Even the fuckers you're doing the missions for are shooting at you! You're told it's because the missions are "secret" but it's really because the designers weren't fucking arsed to program the AI any further than "spawn in then shoot you".

Putting these games side-by-side and viewing them from a distance (a couple of miles should do) it's easy to see their flaws: Insulting level design, Lack of a compelling story and retarded AI. It's also easy to see that the flaws all spring from the same well: Lack of proper development. Designers now have an annoying tendency to focus more on how a game looks than plays and even if they do any play-testing it's rarely past the hour-mark. Then they slap the obligatory "up to 60 hours of gameplay!" tag and wonder why everyone gets pissy.

It's not for a lack of ideas, all three showcase a array of quite good design ideas that could have made their games sparkle. Unfortunately they were put into practice so badly I'm almost convinced the whole point was to infuriate and annoy the player. Alone in the dark could have been great had they simply stuck to the title and driven some actual cars for the driving sections. Red faction could be improved by making the plot clearer and Farcry2 could be improved by actually including one.

I, for one, have had enough. These lazy fucks are not getting another fucking penny of my money until I see some improvement. Thankfully, in the age of broadband, I've other ways of getting my games that doesn't amount to me being mugged. File-sharing is the ultimate recourse of the spurned consumer. I can still participate by getting the game but I'm not submitting by handing my money to the lethargic, corporate fuckwits.

People will still pay money for good games. But they hate paying for hype. And it's only a matter of time before the developers shit their companies into obscurity.

I say good riddance.................................

29 July, 2009

CC15: My Nokia 5800 is driving me mad.

Here's the current list of problems:
Problem 1: The touch screen is off.
This effect can range from only being able to press the buttons on the right to having everything on on the screen work except the bottom left corner.
My Stop-Gap Solution: squeezing lower down or pushing out the sides has the effect of pulling the touchscreen into shape and making it work again.
Problem 2: Screen is darker on one side and shows strange discoloured blotch during startup.
My Stop-Gap Solution: ignoring it. It's not really visible when the phone is running.
Problem 3: The phone displays colours from the left of the screen streaked across.
This only happens after the phone has gone into sleep mode.
Between them these many faults have rendered my phone painful to use. I seem to now spend all of my time trying to smack the thing into shape.

I'm going to drop it into fonemenders on South Anne St. And make it clear to them that if it costs more than 100€ to fix these bugs then me and nokia are over.
This is Nokia's Last Stand.

14 May, 2009

CC14:Video killed the radio star............Pity it didn't finish off the fucking DJ.

Ball juggling eh ankh?

I hate Irish commercial Radio. I know taste is subjective but if you think it's any good then you are provably wrong. I was recently given a lift by a friend to a pub session and along the way we were both stricken with the same affliction: listening to Adrian Kennedy's Phone show for more than ten seconds syndrome.

Despite it's curious name it's an unfortunately common ailment brought on by the endless torrent of aural shit summoned forth by Adrian's incessant babbling and his phone-in guests mind-numbing ignorance. If your idea of a good radio show is giving a load of uneducated, mentally retarded, knackers a chance to argue on the radio with some over-opinionated twat mediating the "debate" (in debate terms it's on par with a room full of monkey throwing hand-fulls of their own shit at each other)

Given the sheer brainless nature of his show it must really be hard for him not to go home each day with an ego. Considering the idiots he cow-tows to he must leave work thinking he's Einstein. Although when I said a load of uneducated knackers It must also be stated that Adrian does tend to call up the same five or six people just to start arguments and "liven up" his show (it'd want to be some fucking argument, I've been been to autopsies with a more lively tone)
Just imagine if Jerry springer constantly called back the fat stripper who has three kids by her own dad no matter what the show subject was.

Running alongside Adrian's utterly pointless FM104 radio show is the utterly pointless radio station Spin 103.8 (or 103"aish" as it's pronounced using a shit-eating D4 accent) This radio station seems to have it's wires crossed somewhat as it claims to be "less talk, more music" yet most of their airtime is filled with their army of mindless presenters like colm and Jim-jim (two of the worst presenters in the world who act like they're on an endless "who can talk more bollocks" challenge. No one wins, we all lose)

Then there's the Spin lowdown or, as normal people call it, the news bulletin. It consists of a cast of newsreaders who sound like a transition year radio project drooling over Zac efron or who ever happens to be in the movies at the moment while delivering news in a voice so grating and annoying it could probably be used for torture. Then we're on to the "five word weather" which is always something useless like "sun's gone on a holiday!". Great. What fucking use is that? It's also a total rip-off of Chris moyles' (now there's an annoying twat) one word weather with Nelson Mandela.

I managed to give spin a week before I could no longer put up with some jingle telling me "because you asked for it" (I hadn't) and the DJ telling me over and over again that there would be no waffle, no sir, no talking; we definitely don't do talking, no, we only play music. That's all. Just listen and you'll hear that we just play music, unlike those other stations who try to talk to the listeners. Not us. We just play music. That's us less talk, more music................... And now for a tune. It's so irritating it makes me want to put my fingers through my skull and rub my brain.

But lest we forget about Irish radios real "stars". These are the people who are rapidly dumbing down society to the point of creationism.
  • Ryan Tubridy: Moved from radio to TV and is now twice as annoying. Light in weight, light in talent. I've got more respect for stuff I've blown out of my nose.
  • Pat Kenny: 'nuff said. Shoot the Fucker.
  • Gerry Ryan:An affront to humanity. Wrote a book about about himself in which he extols the virtue of good sommeliers........sommeliers? (yeah, i don't know what they are either) Who the fuck does this guy think he is? So rich, fat and greasy, he is a living embodiment of an Orwellian portrait of bourgeois greed. A true oxygen thief.
  • And last, but by no means least, is Ray D'arcy: "I'm an Atheist". That's his selling point. Oh and he was on "The Den". To be honest I'm not sure you can still be an atheist if you worship yourself though.

I would love to see the job specifications that RTE used to find this collection of duck brained space wasters. (Apart from Tubridy who, despite his eternal rants on how he got what he wanted through hard work and a degree in broadcasting, got the job through his uncle, David Andrews)

Wanted: Broadcaster for dubious chat show with small European station. Degree holder in broadcasting preferred but not essential. No previous experience required, though Air Hostesses & serial killers will be given consideration first.

Personal Specification:

The ideal candidate will be: loud, egotistical to the point of megalomania. Have difficultly connecting with people. No sense of style. Bereft of a sense of humour.

A very obvious false laugh and a weight problem (extremes over and under healthy weight preferred) will be an advantage

The candidates will be required to host a chat show addressing any topic of their choice (interviewing each other will be essential) while insulting the intelligence of their audience. Ability to bore a group of drunken, middle aged people and students is required for evening TV shows.

If radio presenters were a race of people I would embrace their genocide..........

13 May, 2009

Wait a sec, where's he fecking gone?

For anyone worried about my lack of postage on this blog (I know who you are: nobody) I have been waylaid by the dreaded exams, a terrific system invented by statisticians to test my ability to learn off my maths course in a week.

Covey has promised to juggle balls in my absence, but I warn you I have yet to observe his purchasing of any juggling balls, pins or batons.

Yours insincerely,

10 May, 2009

CC12: Racism in the workplace............or why some fucking stupid,dumb, blonde bitch thinks it's okay to be a bigot.

I haven't really updated this site as often as i would like. I can't attribute it to not having enough time as the arse has fallen out of the economy and they're isn't a fucking job to be had in the whole fucking country.

I also can't blame the lack of subjects to write about. They are as numerous as they are unbelievably stupid but that's not it either as most are too trivial for me to even care about.

No. The reason is that (contrary to what you may believe) I'm not actually an angry person. Really. I don't walk around frothing at the mouth about some new fad that seems to be everywhere and it came out of nowhere (since when did day-glo leggings and guys with perms come back into fashion?). It's actually because very little gets me worked up enough to the point where I must rant on this site. So I would thank Sinead Ryan of the Evening Herald for curing me of my era of bliss you miserable, dopey fucking twat by writing the most blood-boiling article I've read since the Irish sun ran a front page spread about some builder losing his fucking hammer back in October 03 (yes I've the memory of an elephant when i need it ,besides, who could forget such a riveting story?).

The offending (and indeed offensive) article can be found in saturdays edition on may 9Th page 13. The tag line is "Judging people by their name isn't racist, it's human nature". That should pretty much set the tone for this tramp to bleat on about how employers are right to discriminate against people solely on the ground of their name and where it might indicate where they're from. This, my friends, makes her and everyone who agrees with her a fascist.

She then tops this with yet another startling display of bigotry by stating it's also okay for employers to discriminate against people based solely on where they live regardless of nationality. Even other Irish people aren't safe from her fascism. You not only have to be white and Irish to be accepted as an employee by her but you also have to be rich? This takes the biscuit. She has manged to handle the issue of employers racist hiring policies with all the sensitivity of a gang rape. I'm surprised she wasn't calling for the revocation of citizenship from anyone on social welfare.

Normally I wouldn't even bat an eyelid to this sort of upper class propaganda but something about it just got to me. Maybe it's the fact that it reads like it was dictated through her nose to a slave chained to a keyboard while she stubbed out cigarettes in his face.

This elitist scum article so incensed me that I wrote a e-mail and sent it to her, her editor and a reporting rights website run by a law professor (cearta.ie) and I'll send it to a couple of others once the red-mist has settled from my eyes. Am I the only person who thinks that hating another person just because of the colour of their skin is wrong? Am I freak for treating other people as equals? Is that such a hard concept to grasp?

I promise I'll get onto more general ranting like I used to but man this has given me a good kick.

I do the very best I can to look upon life with optimism and hope and looking forward to a better day, but I don't think there is anything such as complete happiness. It pains me that there is still a lot of Klan activity and racism. I think when you say you're happy, you have everything that you need and everything that you want, and nothing more to wish for. I haven't reached that stage yet.
Rosa Parks (1913- 2005)

Below is a copy of the e-mail I sent the dopey whore, let me know what you think (NOTE: I recommend you read the article first before reading my e-mail to better get the context, a concept which dear old sinead finds hard to get to grips with. you can find it here):

I'm writing to you now to express my utter disgust at your wanton disregard for human rights in your recent article "Judging people by their name isn't racist, it's human nature" published on Saturday 9Th may on page 13. I've read it over fifteen times now and still can't get any other message than "it's okay to be racist, because it's human nature"

I'll start from the start:
Despite the fact that your clearly unable to tell the difference between the terms discrimination and racism (and went to no lengths to clear it up in your article) even going so far as to consult a dictionary about discrimination I find it quite interesting that you didn't look up the term racism too:


noun 1 the belief that there are characteristics, abilities, or qualities specific to each race. 2 discrimination against or antagonism towards other races.

— DERIVATIVES racist noun & adjective.

Please note the word directly after the number two. I find it quite extraordinary that you didn't attempt to mention the parallels between the two terms. But hey, it must have been just too much effort to look up both terms. But then I saw the entry for the one you DID bother to look up:


verb 1 recognise a distinction. 2 (usu. discriminate against) make an unjust distinction in the treatment of different categories of people, especially on the grounds of race, age or sex.

— DERIVATIVES discriminately adverb.

One question here: Why didn't you include the second use of the word in your article? I'll answer that for you: because it would've completely undermined the rest of the article.

You then go on to say that the whole point of a CV is to allow for discrimination on the grounds of qualifications, age, ability and experience. This is correct save for two factors. one: Discrimination on the basis of age is illegal and immoral. Two: it is NOT to allow for the discrimination on the grounds of race. (See racism above)

While it's true that Xenophobia (note THAT term) is a part of human nature that still does not make it right. Violence and predatory instincts are inherent parts of human nature, due to the fact that we have evolved from predators, but that still doesn't make them an acceptable part of human behaviour. At time of this writing assault and murder were illegal. How would you react to a murderer or rapist rationalising their crimes by claiming that their urges are "a part of human nature"? I doubt you would be so supportive of your shared view-point.

It's obvious from your article that you have little to no regard for people being persecuted solely on the basis of their race or nationality. Indeed you actively support employers with racist hiring policies by justifying their actions with the quote "it's every employer's duty to get the best person for the job". This is true but what if the best person for the job happens to be Black? or Asian? Those employers, by enforcing racist policy, have failed their duty.

Your article can only be described as long-winded neo-facist hate speak. I doubt you have been subjected to the discrimination (the confusion isn't the term meaning it's in the context in which they are used) that you advocate for these people. I would love to hear how this article would have gone if you had been subjected to the prejudice you defend so vehemently.

You go one step further, however, by not stopping at religious or racial discrimination and extending to include class and social considerations too. Do you honestly believe that a person should be denied a job based purely on where they live? You must do. I was surprised you didn't call for the introduction of an Indian-style caste system to make it easier for employers to not "mix with the commoners". Or are we still called "Riff-Raff"?

I know it's a shame that we don't all live in privileged areas but that should not be any hindrance on us and I deeply resent your attitude that we "should not be so Po-faced about it" meaning that people who discriminate shouldn't feel bad about it (although I really doubt they do) and people who have been discriminated against should just get on with it and not stand up for their basic human right: to be treated with respect.

This places you in an elite tier of fascist. One where not even people of you own race and nationality are seen as equals in your eyes, they must also be of the same social standing.

You probably won't even bother to read this much less print it (with ,say, a reply or even an apology) so I will send this along with a complaint to your editor

21 April, 2009

CC11: New Model, Original Parts.........Complete Shit.

Why, why, WHY did they make yet another Fast and furious film? They're just movies about idiots driving cars! What the fuck are they going to put into it that wasn't in the first three? (yes, THREE) I must say, though, fair-play to the actors. They must be some gluttons for punishment to willingly consent to be out-acted by inanimate blocks of metal for a fourth consecutive time (I'm aware Vin Diesel wasn't in the last two but it really doesn't matter as he's so wooden he could've played a door and I wouldn't have noticed)

Also how much of a story was there to begin with to be able to stretch it to four (five if Internet rumours are to be believed. At this stage even Satan has had enough) films? There has to be a law against this type of thing. Preferably one where the film-maker gets locked into a cage and hung in the town centre to be pelted with rotten fruit and feces. It certainly doesn't do the actors any favors. (Paul walker moved from this to getting out-acted by a pack of dogs so at least he's consistent. With any luck soon he'll be cast in nature programmes being outdone by rocks)

What is it with studios' near sexual attraction to sequels? It's as if they won't take on a script unless it can be put through the ringer to create three or four piss-poor shoddy films. What's wrong with having one good one? The main problem with sequels is that they're almost all bollocks.

Even going back to before the dawn of the "gross out" comedy (the scourge responsible for the recent rash of sequels) they didn't make much sense. Did anyone enjoy the Karate Kid sequels? No. Not even the actors did and they were being paid for it. Also another one which made me laugh was the poltergeist sequels. A family is driven from their home by ghosts only to go to another house to be bothered by the same ghost! Wow, let's hope they never get into property development: "We figured the plans were a bit dull so we had the house built over a plague pit just to add some character"

As I said before the recent spat of horrific sequels was caused by the "gross out". Every single one of the Scary movies was even less funny and more painful than the last (To the point where they must have administered ether to the audiences to keep them in the cinemas). But it really got ridiculous when we got to the "genre" movies like Epic movie and Disaster movie and Meet the Spartans (the only comedy movie to not have A SINGLE FUCKING JOKE in it. Let's face it, 300 was funnier). And, as per usual, most were created by a select few. And the the guilty parties are: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Two men whose skill at film-making is akin to a bear accidentally turning a camera on whilst attempting to eat it.

This conclusion is compounded even more when you consider that most of the movies parodied in their god-awful "Disaster movie" weren't even out when they were writing it. They based their "jokes"(man, that term is getting stretched) solely on trailers that they had seen or written previews. Even in their line of work this is an unbelievable level of laziness and an incredible show of contempt for a paying audience. Here's a list of things you can do with 90 minutes that will enrich your life more than watching their movies:
  • Jog 184 laps around your car.
  • Attempt to cut down a tree with a baseball bat.
  • Wage war upon an ant colony with a pair of tweezers.
  • Sit in front of the dryer and watch it, whether it is on or not.
  • Cook a pair of shoes in your oven.
  • Sift through the dictionary and count the number of palindromes.
  • Break a piece of glass continuously until you have a handful of sand.
  • Alphabetise a stack of blank paper.
  • Memorise the National Anthem backwards.
  • Calculate how hard you can pinch yourself until your eyes water.
  • Create a unit of measurement for smell. (was for boredom but Anhk has that one nailed)
  • Individually pull out each of the hairs on your head.
  • Figure out how to mail someone fire.
  • Invent a new sport using only samurai swords, rope, and squirrels.
  • Eat 17 tubes of chap stick.
Who keeps green-lighting this shit? I just read that a Cloverfield 2 is in the pipeline. Well lets hope there's a fucking serious blockage because I think I already know how it ends. We got everything we needed from the first movie you cock-ends! We don't need to see it from a different angle this time with even shakier camera work.

As for Friedberg and Seltzer the mission is clear: they must die alone in window-less cells..........

Edit: I was wondering why neither of the three or so people who read this have signed my petition and it turns out that they didn't think it was real. Well let me clear this up: SIGN THE FUCKING THING AND LETS HAVE SOME GOOD FUCKING MOVIES FOR ONCE! Just in case you don't like scrolling down here is the link again: www.ipetitions.com/petition/acidbath

12 April, 2009

CC10: Budweiser Cold Bottles

Let me go through what I would like to consider the circle of logic with you:
I make a beer, the only things I can put it into small enough for a customer to hold are bottles.
Over the course of time new technologies allow me to put my beer in handy to carry cans. And these cans are very popular, but some people prefer to stick with the old bottles because the cans made the beer taste funny.
Then I come up with my master stroke! Bottles made of Aluminum just like the cans. Now I can offer my customers that funny tasting canned beer in an expensive-and-awkward-to-carry-and-dispose-of bottle! This is perfect for selling to those white people who have taken to thick aluminum bottles for drinking water.
Come back home to Bud you Nouveau Riche Hippies...

29 March, 2009

CC9:Can anyone in our esteemed medical establishment please tell me what the fuck L.Casei Imunitass is?

I was treated to a rare surprise while watching TV last night; apparently Citroen are now selling transformers! Yep, that's right! Buy one of their C3 hatchback models and leave it alone near a frozen lake and it'll transform and start ice-skating to a bombastic techno soundtrack! Imagine my dismay when I eventually found out that no Citroen transforms and they lied! (unless you count turning to rust after a year transforming)

Since when did cars in adverts start having "fun" personalities? Usually they were the bad-guy, the cold mechanical shark, now they like to break-dance and are cuddly little scamps. Which is bollocks. You know that advert where the smashed-up little girl was being run-over at 40 mph? A car did that. Bastard. And the car was such a bastard he probably thought it was all her fault. (It does have a point though: if she's okay with being hit at 30mph, why didn't she just run away from the car at 10mph the moment she saw it heading towards her at 40? No, she'd rather lie on her back at the side of the road moaning about it like an idiot.)

Adverts haven't really done a lot for us as a society (although I can walk into a shop and ask for cillit bang without laughing) and you do have to question the stability of the minds can concoct this shit up. Like those "injury lawyers 4 u" ads. They get some scary looking bloke talking to you about Karma and then recommending you should sue the bastards! And who thought Kerry "Cocaine" Katona would be a good spokesperson for mums at Iceland? She looks so pale and gaunt on the screen that I mistook her for a ghost and nearly kicked my telly off it's stand.

Some of them are so badly dubbed and translated I swear they hired the same guy who translated Zero wing for the mega drive. (if you laughed at this congratulate yourself on being the biggest nerd EVER!...heh heh "all your base are belong to us")

Also, why dub an advert over using the same language that it was shot with? An accent isn't going to make the product sell better. Making your ads good would. Like those poxy vanish ads where that tart in a purple t-shirt keeps breaking into peoples homes to show them how shit they are at using a washing machine. She probably raids the house after she's done; " One scoop of Vanish will remove any stain but unless you give me all the money in the house I'm going to put your fucking Kid in with the next boil wash"

Others that make my blood boil are:
Tresemme hair products - that crap-acted voice-over that says something like "I feel I'm breaking some secret hairdresser's code by telling you this". Yeah, right. Secret code, my arse. You cut hair, you're not fucking James Bond. Also I love his comment to the two girls who come up to him after their hairstyle: "there you go - professional and affordable"......so they look like a couple of whores then? I don't think that was quite the look they were going for.

"You wouldn't wash your dishes in a dirty sink"
Ooh, la-di-fucking-da, heaven forbid. Who is this presumptuous cow, and what have my washing-up habits got to do with her? How does she know what I would and wouldn't do? Maybe I do wash my dishes in a dirty sink. Maybe I take them in the bath with me. Maybe I fling them all in the cesspit and fish them out a week later. Whatever I do, it's none of this poxy tart's bleeding business, and I deeply resent her assumptions. She's like one of those worthy mothers who say "Well, obviously we don't let little Tarquin watch television..."

Oh, and another one; That Domestos advert which says "Your toilet is home to millions of germs". Well, yes. I imagine there would be quite a few in there, seeing as that's where I put all my poo. This advert seems to want me to murder them all, despite first giving them little voices. Why do that? If you want me to destroy them all with your bleach, at least portray them as an evil anonymous blob, not a gaggle of mischievous scamps. And anyway, what's so bad about germs in a toilet? If germs are going to be anywhere, I'd rather they were in there than, say, my biscuit tin. They also seem to forget that its' my germ-laden shit which put all those germs there in the first place. So, it seems to me that the most logical thing for domestos to do would be to market a domestos enema kit. (Maybe cillit bang would get in on it..."BANG and your arse is gone!") What are they expecting me to do in the toilet bowl that means it has to be completely germ-free?

Maybe I'll start washing my dishes in there...............

P.S: Pursuant to my previous post "Judd apatow needs to be stopped" I've started an online petition to have him dissolved alive in a bath of acid. Please sign your name and help humanity at: http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/acidbath

28 March, 2009

CC8: Strange Adds Involving Koala's.

I saw this add on TwitPic:

And I thought of this:

16 March, 2009

CC7: Why Judd Apatow Needs to be stopped.........Preferably using a high-powered rifle

I just saw the trailer for what already looks like the worst movie of the year (and it's only March!) and it got me thinking as to why I've pretty much stopped going to see movies. I know you may think it's because I simply download them all thereby saving myself the hassle of actually leaving my house but you'd be wrong. I really like cinemas. I really do. Sure they serve over-priced and below-quality food (I'm not a chef but I'm sure you shouldn't be able to embed a nacho into a wall like a fucking shuriken star and proper hot-dogs, when properly cooked to perfection, shouldn't bounce) but nothing beats the thrill of seeing a fantastic movie in a cinema which has me hooked from start to finish. Sadly this happens so seldom I'm beginning to think I dreamt that sense of wonder. No the reason is: the comedy or, more specifically, the "gross-out" comedy.

The film trailer in question was for Paul Blart: Mall Cop ("the longest fat joke in history"). In which an awkward, overweight protagonist takes his job a little too seriously and makes a fool of himself but gets the chance to redeem himself when tragedy strikes and get the girl who would NEVER look at a guy like him and his kid and....... Oh Fuck this, I can't go on!. Am I the only person who seen this shit before? In fact this character, played by kevin james, (who has cornered the market on the bloated, overweight, moronic, stereotype) is a carbon copy of the character he played in Chuck & Larry ("the longest gay joke in history") which was such a blatant copy of Strange Bedfellows I'm surprised him and adam sandler didn't have aussie accents.

This rise in "wacky" (another word for shit) comedy can really be traced back to a select group of people. The following are those responsible for dumbing-down comedy to unprecedented levels.
This "Race to the bottom" is being led by, none other than, Judd Apatow. He paves the way for this deluge of mindless bullshit. It's people like him that make me pray for a nuclear firestorm even though I doubt that it would penetrate his cocooned world of pure idiocy. He is joined by his henchmen: Ben stiller, Will Ferrell and the wilson brothers. The Four horsemen of this nightmare. Each one so dedicated to re-cycling their jokes that they're all merging into a gestalt entity of pure crap.

Is it so hard to write jokes? New ones I mean, not re-write old ones. I can't be the only person who thinks the "running into a glass door" gag is done. There must be more.

In the meantime the afformentioned actors must be lined up and shot. It's for the good of us all.

10 March, 2009

CC6: Windows Update

Look, I love complaining. I love ranting. I love having a go. But sometimes you need to offer congratulations.
So Microsoft: Congratulations on Windows Update. It provides real driver updates for my windows XP systems, installing necissary drivers (like touchpad, and modem).
This is very useful. Yes there are a few things that marr this:
  • Microsoft's dangerous addiction to restarting.
  • Microsoft's many restart pop-up windows.
  • The fact that unix based systems and package managers have done this for ten years or more.
  • Microsoft needing to restart after every update.
  • I can't concentrating with the restart-request baiting.
  • Oh shit, there's another pop-up, telling me to restart.
  • I'll just restart then I'll finish the post.
  • Nah fuck it. I'm going to bed.
  • Fuck you Microsoft.
  • Shower of bastards.

P.S. At least it's better than that HP Total Care thing. That didn't even fetch the bloody updates.
Honestly 'We here at HP care so very very much about you that we put this buggy, useless piece of software on your computer at our factory, so it could pop up every week or so and malfunction for you.'
'Gee wizz, thanks HP'

24 February, 2009

CC4: Leering Train Bastards

What is with these bastards who get on the train and stand in the middle of the seated section?
This buisness of standing there leering at people in seats, apparently trying to intimidate them into getting up.
Listen assholes: your not supposed to stand there, your blocking the path to the doors and you keep nearly falling on people when we stop.
Just stand over there in the standing section with the big verical bars that are perfectly designed to stop you from plunging towards the floor or your fellow passengers at every single fucking stop.

17 February, 2009

CC3: Sureality TV

The technology behind TV is really quite amazing. A satellite, 22,300 miles above our heads, beams a signal into a dish on your roof while pissing around the earth at about 6,000mph. This signal is then sent, via a fibre optic cable, to a receiver which un-scrambles the image and sends it to your TV which displays it. All this happens roughly 50 to 60 times every second so your brain thinks it's a moving image.

Which makes it even more amazing that these signals contain some of the worst shite that has ever seen the light of day. Television is just fucking awful now and all the signs point to the fact that it's going to get much worse before it gets better and reality TV is the herald of this mind-numbing onslaught taking place on over 500+ channels. The only choice is what group of sub-human retards you want to be repulsed by more.

Celebrity love island was one that really pissed me off. A show whose quality was so low the word "celebrity" has been forever tainted and was actually dropped from the title after the first season. It was essentially group of Z-list no-hopers lolling around on a beach like dying sea-lions trying desperately to form some sort of a flagging career. As if any more proof was needed the first season was "won" (although it'd be like winning a dog-shit eating competition) by Fran Cosgrove. A man whose fame is so low he actually doesn't exist outside of reality TV. Seriously. The second the production comes to a halt he literally fades out.

Thankfully it was killed off after season 2 ended but even at that early stage it was stretching the term "celebrity" to new and horrific lengths. They were drafting people in who were only related to celebrities. Pretty soon you won't even need the DNA link to qualify for these shows.Hell, I live around the corner from Pauline Mclynn so I'm pretty sure I'll be available for the next series should one of the producers receive a large blow to the head.

Slightly less distressing is LivingTVs' laughably titled "most haunted". Billed as a factual paranormal investigation programme it ends up coming across as a mix of Scooby-Doo and the Blair witch project. Featuring a bunch of twats holding seances and going "wooah" to any little noise it frequently has guest mediums in to channel spirits (translation: talk bollocks). It used to feature Dave Ancorah, a man so hilariously transparent he might as well have "fraud" tattooed onto his forehead, until it emerged that one of the researchers was just making shit up about the locations and pissing himself laughing as he watched this "phychic" get possessed by ghosts he just made up. It is quite possibly the only "investigation" show to be cleared of charges of deception on the grounds that it shouldn't be taken seriously.

If a group of bell-ends standing still doesn't get you going how about a group of them running around? Such is the basis of Dog: the bounty hunter. I'm pretty sure that if a penis could pick out it's own wardrobe it would look like Dog Chapman. In fact, the entire family dress like OTT 1980's action heroes especially Dog himself who stomps about in boots, leather, sunglasses (all year round) and a haircut that makes him look like a cross between a vampire and a gay lion. It's worth tuning in for that hairstyle alone. Until he starts talking and it becomes quickly apparent he has all charisma of a paving slab.

ITVs' run of trash-talk shows has reached its' peak (or its' bottom, whichever you fancy) with the Jeremy Kyle show or to give it its' real title: human bear-baiting. Here members of the social underclass are paraded in front of an audience so shockingly ugly they'd make John Merrick spew down the front of his face bag. Jeremy once stated in an interview that people often think he has the eyes of Satan and I have to agree. He has one of those gaunt, hollow gazes that are so soulless I'm half expecting him to walk on stage and give one of the guests the penance stare. He probably does too but I wouldn't know as I'd rather shatter my jaw on a concrete bollard than sit through an entire episode of this cack. The show was made as a lower form of Jerry springer. Quite a task when you consider Jerry Springer is lower than snake piss.

Which brings us neatly around to the king of this crap-fest: Big Brother. (i would go into a rant about X factor but they're aren't enough hours in the day so I'll just leave it by saying that Simon Cowell is so robotic that were he to be in a blazing car-crash, we would not need to worry because, his exo-skeleton would probably pick its' way out of the wreckage and continue judging the show) Big Brother has got my top spot for bile since it gave the world, or rather exposed it to, some of the most annoying people on planet Earth. I'm sure if you started a chart depicting the exponential growth of human stupidity you'd start low at series one, run out of space at the top around series five and would resort to just doodling on the page past series six. This is due to the fact that the contestants' are scarcely human. They're human-shaped androids fueled by pure vanity.

There are others but to be honest this all highlights my point.
Kurt Vonnegut once likened TV to the lead that poisoned the Romans and drove them all mad.

Have to admit; the man has a point.........

10 February, 2009

CC2: Shower Temperature Controls

Let me tell you about my shower: is fucking state-of-the-art, it uses electricity to heat up water, it is like a kettle, crossed with a pump, crossed with awesome.
But my shower is retarded: if you have flushed the toilet within five minutes of getting in it magically switches to hyper-heat mode and attempts to boil you like a lobster.
WTF is up with that shit? And better still, the only way of getting it back to normal temperatures is to turn it off and stand there shivering for ten minutes!
'Why are you late?'
'My fucking shower...'
'Why are you swearing at me?'
'Fucking... Shower...'

03 February, 2009

CC1: Enemy AI (or lack thereof)

For this first post ,and to set the tone, I was going going to write about how pointless most toaster settings are but after punching my computer monitor in frustration for the four-millionth time it struck me what I could write about that would actually make a good point: Enemy AI

More specifically the AI in RTS and FPS games. (I'm not a big fan of acronyms but I'll be damned if I'm going to type out Real-time-strategy and First-person-shooter every time. I could copy-paste but I'm just not arsed.). I'm not a coder but is it really that difficult to program opposition with some semblance of intelligence? Just a bit, so it doesn't feel like I'm playing an opponent who's playing by bashing his head onto the keyboard.

We've all played the game that had a great story, good atmosphere and nice graphics but were completely let down because the game world was populated entirely by suicidal retards. Enemies that get stuck on steps, shoot each other, don't cover when they're shot at, or just blindly charge into your hail of bullets. Is it too hard to make an enemy recognise the fact that grenades and bullets hurt?

Unfortunately this lack of enthusiasm extends also to the guys on your side so your team-mates are equally inept if not more so. They hurriedly wander around war-zones and fire-fights like insane ewoks amped-up on caffeine and speed with not a care in the world for your life, their own or the reason why they're actually getting shot at in the fucking first place. This is even more of an annoyance in games where you've to rely on these armed, mindless twats (Army of two, Haze, Kane and lynch, Gears of war 2 are the main culprits)

Conversely we've all played a game where the enemy had us on our toes for so long that we didn't realise that the plot didn't make sense, the graphics were shit and half the characters were cliches. (For me, most of the reason Half-life was so much better than either Quake 2 or Unreal was because the enemies were smarter than anything the quake or unreal programmers could come up with.) Is it just me or are game designers spending too much time making games that look good and not enough time on making them actually good?

But this lack of AI is no more obvious than in an RTS game. In a FPS you can cover up for poor AI with a good story or a "horror" element (i.e. make the enemies zombies so you don't even have to bother with AI, just have them walk in a straight line and moan). however in an RTS the enemies' intelligence is pretty much the only thing on show. Graphics can only go so far before becoming irrelevant (who gives a crap if the civilians are all normal-mapped? you're going to butcher them all anyway) and the story needs to be advanced by completing missions so the AI is pretty much the make-or-break element.

It's a sad shame that most of the armies are commanded by Zapp Brannigan and employ the "wave after wave" method of combat. They're just idiots! You would never send three lone men to try to take down a Tesla coil so why does the computer send them in their droves to an obvious death? Does it hate them? Is the computer experiencing a bout of masochism and lashing out at it's own machine-gunners?

The answer is no. The computer does not hate itself. It's a simple case of a production team failing to give you a challenging opponent or one that at least seems to value its' life or even one that wants to win. Wouldn't that be great? An opponent who actually challenged you rather than just got in your way?

Now I'm not expecting the Red alert equivalent of Deep Blue. But an opponent which just bee-lines its' own forces into your defences until they collapse or you knock out the base is just insulting (C&C generals is the one of the single worst offenders in this area). Quite often these games would then either restrict your resources or give the opposition a huge advantage to further tilt the game and make it "challenging". But it's not challenging. It's unfair at best and fucking lazy at worst.

Now, before anyone starts of with the same "why don't you do better? :p" horseshit, let me re-iterate that I'm not a coder. These people are. You wouldn't go around trying to fix peoples' cars and charging them for it if you weren't a mechanic. These people are expecting you to pay to play their games so it's not too much to ask if they could make the games interesting or at least make it so your not playing against the RTS equivalent of the Pac-Man ghosts. The two chief methods of doing this are either good story or strong AI.

All this said progress has been made. Halo (as over-hyped as it is in terms of quality) was a leap forward in AI. The enemy didn't seem to be sexually attracted to gunfire and your own team-mates were even able to operate vehicles with you (although they were too dumb to shoot the enemy whilst doing so). Far-cry was also another step forward in that the enemy used tactics to try to surround you (although why they bothered when they could spot you from a mile away even if you were covered is beyond me). Newer games like FEAR and Left for dead (I also refuse to use numbers instead of words) have tried to raise the bar there are still games with almost hilariously poor AI.

I'm not sure who to be most angry at in this. The coders for phoning it in because they were too busy getting all the sprites looking extra nice or the game testers for not pointing out that the enemy have less concern for their own lives than a depressed lemming. I think when most of us think of jobs we'd love to have, "games tester" is up there in the "fucking sweet" category. There's clearly no performance evaluation, as most of the games released recently will attest to, so you don't have to worry about doing a shit job.

I'm aware that testers are mostly there as bug-finders but I'm sure at least some of them played a game and thought "wow, whoever programmed the enemy must be a complete idiot. Look! That guard actually saved me the trouble of shooting him by blowing himself away". I know that testing can get repetitive (especially when it comes to regression testing) but it's still no excuse. If not liking your job was good cause to do it badly you'd never get a decent coffee. or burger. or anything for that matter.

Maybe one of the reasons for the rise in on-line gaming is the prospect of an opponent that isn't brain-dead, Isn't stupid (in terms of game playing ability) and isn't the same every time you load up. I still judge games by their single player modes and unfortunately most don't hold up.

Maybe I'll just go back to playing minesweeper............