29 March, 2009

CC9:Can anyone in our esteemed medical establishment please tell me what the fuck L.Casei Imunitass is?

I was treated to a rare surprise while watching TV last night; apparently Citroen are now selling transformers! Yep, that's right! Buy one of their C3 hatchback models and leave it alone near a frozen lake and it'll transform and start ice-skating to a bombastic techno soundtrack! Imagine my dismay when I eventually found out that no Citroen transforms and they lied! (unless you count turning to rust after a year transforming)

Since when did cars in adverts start having "fun" personalities? Usually they were the bad-guy, the cold mechanical shark, now they like to break-dance and are cuddly little scamps. Which is bollocks. You know that advert where the smashed-up little girl was being run-over at 40 mph? A car did that. Bastard. And the car was such a bastard he probably thought it was all her fault. (It does have a point though: if she's okay with being hit at 30mph, why didn't she just run away from the car at 10mph the moment she saw it heading towards her at 40? No, she'd rather lie on her back at the side of the road moaning about it like an idiot.)

Adverts haven't really done a lot for us as a society (although I can walk into a shop and ask for cillit bang without laughing) and you do have to question the stability of the minds can concoct this shit up. Like those "injury lawyers 4 u" ads. They get some scary looking bloke talking to you about Karma and then recommending you should sue the bastards! And who thought Kerry "Cocaine" Katona would be a good spokesperson for mums at Iceland? She looks so pale and gaunt on the screen that I mistook her for a ghost and nearly kicked my telly off it's stand.

Some of them are so badly dubbed and translated I swear they hired the same guy who translated Zero wing for the mega drive. (if you laughed at this congratulate yourself on being the biggest nerd EVER!...heh heh "all your base are belong to us")

Also, why dub an advert over using the same language that it was shot with? An accent isn't going to make the product sell better. Making your ads good would. Like those poxy vanish ads where that tart in a purple t-shirt keeps breaking into peoples homes to show them how shit they are at using a washing machine. She probably raids the house after she's done; " One scoop of Vanish will remove any stain but unless you give me all the money in the house I'm going to put your fucking Kid in with the next boil wash"

Others that make my blood boil are:
Tresemme hair products - that crap-acted voice-over that says something like "I feel I'm breaking some secret hairdresser's code by telling you this". Yeah, right. Secret code, my arse. You cut hair, you're not fucking James Bond. Also I love his comment to the two girls who come up to him after their hairstyle: "there you go - professional and affordable"......so they look like a couple of whores then? I don't think that was quite the look they were going for.

"You wouldn't wash your dishes in a dirty sink"
Ooh, la-di-fucking-da, heaven forbid. Who is this presumptuous cow, and what have my washing-up habits got to do with her? How does she know what I would and wouldn't do? Maybe I do wash my dishes in a dirty sink. Maybe I take them in the bath with me. Maybe I fling them all in the cesspit and fish them out a week later. Whatever I do, it's none of this poxy tart's bleeding business, and I deeply resent her assumptions. She's like one of those worthy mothers who say "Well, obviously we don't let little Tarquin watch television..."

Oh, and another one; That Domestos advert which says "Your toilet is home to millions of germs". Well, yes. I imagine there would be quite a few in there, seeing as that's where I put all my poo. This advert seems to want me to murder them all, despite first giving them little voices. Why do that? If you want me to destroy them all with your bleach, at least portray them as an evil anonymous blob, not a gaggle of mischievous scamps. And anyway, what's so bad about germs in a toilet? If germs are going to be anywhere, I'd rather they were in there than, say, my biscuit tin. They also seem to forget that its' my germ-laden shit which put all those germs there in the first place. So, it seems to me that the most logical thing for domestos to do would be to market a domestos enema kit. (Maybe cillit bang would get in on it..."BANG and your arse is gone!") What are they expecting me to do in the toilet bowl that means it has to be completely germ-free?

Maybe I'll start washing my dishes in there...............

P.S: Pursuant to my previous post "Judd apatow needs to be stopped" I've started an online petition to have him dissolved alive in a bath of acid. Please sign your name and help humanity at: http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/acidbath


  1. hey, good stuff! i can't stand those fricking cilt bang adds...or the mr muscle one..

  2. brilliant it's just so true, i'm glad someone has finally realised it and said it out loud!!!!

  3. hahahahahhahahahhahahahahahaaaaa