CC14:Video killed the radio star............Pity it didn't finish off the fucking DJ.

Ball juggling eh ankh?

I hate Irish commercial Radio. I know taste is subjective but if you think it's any good then you are provably wrong. I was recently given a lift by a friend to a pub session and along the way we were both stricken with the same affliction: listening to Adrian Kennedy's Phone show for more than ten seconds syndrome.

Despite it's curious name it's an unfortunately common ailment brought on by the endless torrent of aural shit summoned forth by Adrian's incessant babbling and his phone-in guests mind-numbing ignorance. If your idea of a good radio show is giving a load of uneducated, mentally retarded, knackers a chance to argue on the radio with some over-opinionated twat mediating the "debate" (in debate terms it's on par with a room full of monkey throwing hand-fulls of their own shit at each other)

Given the sheer brainless nature of his show it must really be hard for him not to go home each day with an ego. Considering the idiots he cow-tows to he must leave work thinking he's Einstein. Although when I said a load of uneducated knackers It must also be stated that Adrian does tend to call up the same five or six people just to start arguments and "liven up" his show (it'd want to be some fucking argument, I've been been to autopsies with a more lively tone)
Just imagine if Jerry springer constantly called back the fat stripper who has three kids by her own dad no matter what the show subject was.

Running alongside Adrian's utterly pointless FM104 radio show is the utterly pointless radio station Spin 103.8 (or 103"aish" as it's pronounced using a shit-eating D4 accent) This radio station seems to have it's wires crossed somewhat as it claims to be "less talk, more music" yet most of their airtime is filled with their army of mindless presenters like colm and Jim-jim (two of the worst presenters in the world who act like they're on an endless "who can talk more bollocks" challenge. No one wins, we all lose)

Then there's the Spin lowdown or, as normal people call it, the news bulletin. It consists of a cast of newsreaders who sound like a transition year radio project drooling over Zac efron or who ever happens to be in the movies at the moment while delivering news in a voice so grating and annoying it could probably be used for torture. Then we're on to the "five word weather" which is always something useless like "sun's gone on a holiday!". Great. What fucking use is that? It's also a total rip-off of Chris moyles' (now there's an annoying twat) one word weather with Nelson Mandela.

I managed to give spin a week before I could no longer put up with some jingle telling me "because you asked for it" (I hadn't) and the DJ telling me over and over again that there would be no waffle, no sir, no talking; we definitely don't do talking, no, we only play music. That's all. Just listen and you'll hear that we just play music, unlike those other stations who try to talk to the listeners. Not us. We just play music. That's us less talk, more music................... And now for a tune. It's so irritating it makes me want to put my fingers through my skull and rub my brain.

But lest we forget about Irish radios real "stars". These are the people who are rapidly dumbing down society to the point of creationism.

• Ryan Tubridy: Moved from radio to TV and is now twice as annoying. Light in weight, light in talent. I've got more respect for stuff I've blown out of my nose.
• Pat Kenny: 'nuff said. Shoot the Fucker.
• Gerry Ryan:An affront to humanity. Wrote a book about about himself in which he extols the virtue of good sommeliers........sommeliers? (yeah, i don't know what they are either) Who the fuck does this guy think he is? So rich, fat and greasy, he is a living embodiment of an Orwellian portrait of bourgeois greed. A true oxygen thief.
• And last, but by no means least, is Ray D'arcy: "I'm an Atheist". That's his selling point. Oh and he was on "The Den". To be honest I'm not sure you can still be an atheist if you worship yourself though.

I would love to see the job specifications that RTE used to find this collection of duck brained space wasters. (Apart from Tubridy who, despite his eternal rants on how he got what he wanted through hard work and a degree in broadcasting, got the job through his uncle, David Andrews)

Wanted: Broadcaster for dubious chat show with small European station. Degree holder in broadcasting preferred but not essential. No previous experience required, though Air Hostesses & serial killers will be given consideration first.

Personal Specification:

The ideal candidate will be: loud, egotistical to the point of megalomania. Have difficultly connecting with people. No sense of style. Bereft of a sense of humour.

A very obvious false laugh and a weight problem (extremes over and under healthy weight preferred) will be an advantage

The candidates will be required to host a chat show addressing any topic of their choice (interviewing each other will be essential) while insulting the intelligence of their audience. Ability to bore a group of drunken, middle aged people and students is required for evening TV shows.

If radio presenters were a race of people I would embrace their genocide..........