12 August, 2009

CC17: The wayans brothers have made another movie.........I'm climbing back under my fucking rock until humanity learns.

I was watching the telly about a week ago when something happened. Something so horrific that I thought I'd blacked out and was experiencing one of the worst bouts of sado-masochistic dreaming ever.

I saw the trailer for Dance Flick.

I was so traumatised I immediately drank nine bottles of miller and some Jameson to dull the pain. Then I smashed the television set. It was only two in the fucking afternoon! Then through the whiskey haze and sudden brain damage from the advert I decided: I was going to watch that movie and fucking well try to like it. I like to think I've a good sense of humour but I've been let down by it in the past as I only laugh at things that are funny and witty. I'm kinda weird like that. So With Bit torrent's task completed (I'll be fucked if I'm going to pay for this sort of abuse) and with booze and an ambulance on standby here we go: Dance Flick.

Oh what bollocks is this? It's five minutes in and I already want to scrape out my fucking eyes with a broken bottle. I'm aware that a movie that "was brought to you by the same guys who brought you white chicks" wasn't going to impress but, fuck me, they could've at least tried! It claims to parody the entire dance movie genre but it pretty much just copies "save the last dance" a movie that was made nine fucking years ago! But fret ye not as the jokes are as tired and worn too. In fact they aren't actually jokes. It's just the usual collection of fart gags and pop culture references, the first joke of the movie is someone getting pissed on and it's pretty much downhill from there.

Actually I tell a lie there. The first joke is actually the opening credits which are so long and contain so many Wayans that I thought the film was stuck in a loop and I ended up fast-forwarding past them. But it's no loop, there are no fewer than seven of the bastards working on this family turd. Five of them write with one directing and the other three star (I would say act but that term seems woefully inadequate) PLUS the usual plethora of production credits too. It's weird. But the only thing more incestuous than the writers is their output. All the gags are shit and so badly woven together it feels like being repeatedly punched in the kidneys while getting slapped in the face. With a fish.

And it goes on for 85 fucking minutes! 85?! Just shy of an hour and a half of what is essentially a cruel and unusual form of punishment. It doesn't even stick to the dance movie parody gags! There are shots at Twilight (I must've missed the dancing vampire part), Catwoman (as if a movie that bad needs a parody) and black snake moan (eh.... what the fuck?!?). There was no dancing in these movies! This is just fucking lazy! What's even lazier is the set-ups. They basically copy scenes from other movies and then alter them by having someone get punched in the face.Or crushed by a fat guy. This is not satire. Also male dancer's singing about being gay? Haven't heard that one before! Fuck this.

It's rare for a movie to bring low expectations but to actually require them? This is a new low. I couldn't believe Marlon Wayans. He's now pretty much blown all respect he got for Requiem for a dream straight out his ass on this one. He'll never be forgiven. This movie is a stain on history. Like two world wars, global warming and big brother. Actually it's worse. It's fitting that for a movie straight out of hell the directors name is Damien. If you liked Meet the Spartans or Epic movie (and if you did you won't be reading this as I've no doubt,used many words you won't understand the chief two being "fuck" and "off") than this is the movie for you!

And you can fucking keep it!.........


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