07 December, 2009

CC22: Christmas songs!.......Helping to maintain a healthy suicide rate over the holidays.

Two thoughts occurred to me the other day: One, Who would notice if I kicked the slow-ass bitch in front of me down the stairs to help hurry her the fuck up and two, Christmas is actually the perfect holiday. Seriously. I know it's now a soulless commercial haven time-period for businesses but, in a lot of ways, it really is great. First, you get stuff; the only people I've ever heard harping on about the commercialisation of Christmas are usually the sad fucks who never get anything they like. Second, Christmas (and/or) post-Christmas sales are the fucking bomb! You can usually get pretty much anything for a shit-load cheaper and you can get all the sweet-ass box sets too! Thirdly you get to see all your family for a huge piss-up. Hell, even if you don't get along with your family, Christmas is an ideal time to snub them as they'll really get the fucking message now!

But there is one thing about Christmas that really pisses me the fuck off: Christmas songs. Maudlin, horrific bullshit every last one of them. And given that I've been forced to listen to them for the past three weeks now (I work in retail) I feel It incumbent upon me to name a choice few and berate them so in no particular order:

  • "Christmas time (Don't let the bells end)": I normally despise anything the darkness do, including breathing, but this one fills me with pure hatred just thinking about it. Justin Hawkins screeching voice is so grating I almost want to insert a drill-bit into my ear-hole and burst my fucking eardrums. That's assuming the shit music hasn't done it already.
  • "Little drummer boy": This is an annoying song for the ages. The only reason it gets played any more is because it's a Christmas-themed song that gets rolled out without any thought or consideration for the poor people who have to listen. Makes me want to vomit bile every time I hear it.
  • "Winter Wonderland" by Annie Lennox: I actually generally like Annie Lennox, but this song is an affront to nature. This is generally one of the happier Christmas songs, but when Annie Lennox sings it, it kind of makes you want to consider hanging yourself with tinsel. Christian metal band stryper did a version of this song years ago but it's more funny than suicidal. Also Darlene loves' version is so maudlin and shrill it makes me weep. But I suppose she had no choice in how she sang since Phil Spector was probably poking a gun in her ribs at the time.....
  • "Santa baby" by Everclear: No man should ever sing this song. I don't care if the guy is gay it's just fucking weird.
  • "Santa Claus is coming to town" by Bruce Springsteen: The only Christmas song EVER to make Santa sound like a child-molester.
  • "Do they know it's Christmas time": (I know I should feel bad for shitting on a charity record....but i don't...so here we go) You know, geldof, the reason they don't know it's Christmas Time at all is because they're African. At best they celebrate Kwanza. Many Africans are actually Animists. Christmas rarely enters into the thinking of the average African, starving or not. The video is good for playing a game of "Spot The Has-Been", though.
  • "Rocking around the Christmas tree": Maybe the reason I don't get this fucking song because I'm not autistic. This is the only possible reason I can think of.
  • "Christmas in America" by Pat Benetar: A patriotic Christmas song. 'Nuff said.
  • "Christmas shoes" by NewSong: I'd rather rub my cock down with a rusty cheese grater than listen to this sad, droning piece of shit.
  • "El Vez" by Feliz Navidad: A Christmas song by a Mexican Elvis impersonator sounds like a whole load of awesome but you'd be fucking wrong! It takes the 1968 original by Jose Feliciano, nicks a bassline from Public Image Ltd, and machine-guns Christmas with cheese. It sounds like a carnival in hell.
  • "Simply having a wonderful christmas time" by Paul McCartney: Words fail me as to describe this unbelievably shit song. I can think of no more wretched a fucking piece of music than this atonal abortion. It's also afflicted us with the worst video ever also. It has the temerity to feature about 14 different musicians while assaulting you with cack Keyboard music. It sounds like a crackhead with hammers smashing some cheap Casio that the producer found at a thrift store. Also the line "simply having a wonderful Christmas time" is repeated about 666 times which sounds like they're trying to open a portal into our world for Satan to cross over.
  • "Must be Santa" By Bob Dylan: It's official, Bob Dylan has gone mad and is fucking with us.
You will never make friends unless you like everyone genuinely. Oh well, I'm fucked then aren't I? - Thom Yorke.
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