21 April, 2009

CC11: New Model, Original Parts.........Complete Shit.

Why, why, WHY did they make yet another Fast and furious film? They're just movies about idiots driving cars! What the fuck are they going to put into it that wasn't in the first three? (yes, THREE) I must say, though, fair-play to the actors. They must be some gluttons for punishment to willingly consent to be out-acted by inanimate blocks of metal for a fourth consecutive time (I'm aware Vin Diesel wasn't in the last two but it really doesn't matter as he's so wooden he could've played a door and I wouldn't have noticed)

Also how much of a story was there to begin with to be able to stretch it to four (five if Internet rumours are to be believed. At this stage even Satan has had enough) films? There has to be a law against this type of thing. Preferably one where the film-maker gets locked into a cage and hung in the town centre to be pelted with rotten fruit and feces. It certainly doesn't do the actors any favors. (Paul walker moved from this to getting out-acted by a pack of dogs so at least he's consistent. With any luck soon he'll be cast in nature programmes being outdone by rocks)

What is it with studios' near sexual attraction to sequels? It's as if they won't take on a script unless it can be put through the ringer to create three or four piss-poor shoddy films. What's wrong with having one good one? The main problem with sequels is that they're almost all bollocks.

Even going back to before the dawn of the "gross out" comedy (the scourge responsible for the recent rash of sequels) they didn't make much sense. Did anyone enjoy the Karate Kid sequels? No. Not even the actors did and they were being paid for it. Also another one which made me laugh was the poltergeist sequels. A family is driven from their home by ghosts only to go to another house to be bothered by the same ghost! Wow, let's hope they never get into property development: "We figured the plans were a bit dull so we had the house built over a plague pit just to add some character"

As I said before the recent spat of horrific sequels was caused by the "gross out". Every single one of the Scary movies was even less funny and more painful than the last (To the point where they must have administered ether to the audiences to keep them in the cinemas). But it really got ridiculous when we got to the "genre" movies like Epic movie and Disaster movie and Meet the Spartans (the only comedy movie to not have A SINGLE FUCKING JOKE in it. Let's face it, 300 was funnier). And, as per usual, most were created by a select few. And the the guilty parties are: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Two men whose skill at film-making is akin to a bear accidentally turning a camera on whilst attempting to eat it.

This conclusion is compounded even more when you consider that most of the movies parodied in their god-awful "Disaster movie" weren't even out when they were writing it. They based their "jokes"(man, that term is getting stretched) solely on trailers that they had seen or written previews. Even in their line of work this is an unbelievable level of laziness and an incredible show of contempt for a paying audience. Here's a list of things you can do with 90 minutes that will enrich your life more than watching their movies:
  • Jog 184 laps around your car.
  • Attempt to cut down a tree with a baseball bat.
  • Wage war upon an ant colony with a pair of tweezers.
  • Sit in front of the dryer and watch it, whether it is on or not.
  • Cook a pair of shoes in your oven.
  • Sift through the dictionary and count the number of palindromes.
  • Break a piece of glass continuously until you have a handful of sand.
  • Alphabetise a stack of blank paper.
  • Memorise the National Anthem backwards.
  • Calculate how hard you can pinch yourself until your eyes water.
  • Create a unit of measurement for smell. (was for boredom but Anhk has that one nailed)
  • Individually pull out each of the hairs on your head.
  • Figure out how to mail someone fire.
  • Invent a new sport using only samurai swords, rope, and squirrels.
  • Eat 17 tubes of chap stick.
Who keeps green-lighting this shit? I just read that a Cloverfield 2 is in the pipeline. Well lets hope there's a fucking serious blockage because I think I already know how it ends. We got everything we needed from the first movie you cock-ends! We don't need to see it from a different angle this time with even shakier camera work.

As for Friedberg and Seltzer the mission is clear: they must die alone in window-less cells..........

Edit: I was wondering why neither of the three or so people who read this have signed my petition and it turns out that they didn't think it was real. Well let me clear this up: SIGN THE FUCKING THING AND LETS HAVE SOME GOOD FUCKING MOVIES FOR ONCE! Just in case you don't like scrolling down here is the link again: www.ipetitions.com/petition/acidbath