01 November, 2009

CC20: Crime dramas.....where bullshit dresses up as common sense and sleeps with his wife, reality.

Or the title of this should be where reality and common sense are pulled apart by rabid producers who then Frankenstein them back together for their own ends.

I've had enough of the crime drama, I really have. It's bad enough that they're rolling out a new one every fifteen minutes but now the ones already out are spawning other sub-series themselves!
Someone needs to neuter the fucking writers and fast because it's getting out of control. I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if the shows had a little variety. But unfortunately you'd have more choice at a welsh fish and chip shop.

Oh there are plenty of shows, don't get me wrong, it's just they're all so similar the only way to distinguish them is by which group of washed up actors they have on screen. We have CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI: New york, CSI: Las Vegas, NCIS, NCIS: Los angelas, Jag, Law and order: special victims unit, Law and order: criminal intent, criminal minds, numbers, without a trace, cold case, etc, etc, etc, and each one has a premise more fucking ludicrous than the last.

Numb3rs: (see? they used a number in the title in place of a letter? how clever! bollocks) A program where an awkward genius and his regular-joe brother partner solve crimes using maths. eh....what?

Bones: A program where an awkward genius and her regular-joe FBI partner solve crime with wacky theories and by using a computer so hilariously far-fetched it makes HAL 2000 look reasonable. That assuming they stop their fucking sanctimonious waffling and actually get to fucking work. Also her little side-kicks smack of the FOX producers trying to make the show hip for younger viewers. Bah, Now I've to watch two hours of the wire to get the taste out of my mouth.

Also how far off-the-rails has Law and order gone? It used to be a gripping drama show with real characters and an actual investigative process (it's in the title in case you missed) now it's got these pathetic spin-offs which are all shit. SVU is basically where they force in all the cases they felt were "too edgy". And criminal intent is just the one with the awkward genius (am i the only one seeing the pattern here?) who "doesn't adjust well to change" and is acted so badly it's appalling.

Another show that is a load of wank is NCIS. A show where some military rejects solve crime in their own kiss-ass way. It's so much bollocks it's funny. It's the walker Texas ranger of the new millennium. It's so bad that it's only promising stat is that it's got more initials than any other shit crime show.

But of all the shows I can't fucking stand it has to be the CSI plethora of bollocks shows. Seriously. CSI and CSI Miami are quite possibly the two worst shows on television, and that's quite a feat. Every single character delivers every single line as if it's some macho catchphrase. You can just see the writers stroking their chins and saying "damn I'm so clever. I think I'll go masturbate to my own reflection" EVERY TIME ANY CHARACTER OPENS THEIR FUCKING MOUTH! Also that Horatio fucker is really working my last nerve with his bullshit sunglasses acting. Why the fuck is it so popular? I also love how the two shows are the same, but with only slight differences.

Main guy has black hair and a beard

CSI Miami
Main guy has orange hair and no beard

Location: Las Vegas

CSI Miami
Location: Delaware

Takes place: At night

CSI Miami
Takes place: In the day

Coroner: Is a Pasty White Guy

CSI Miami
Coroner: Black Woman
Also the bullshit one liners like: "That bullet casing shouldn't be here if the shooting took place ten meters to the west..."

It seems that the crime is the last bastion of the sliding actor. It's a good sign that your career is on a downward spiral when your asked to play a "hard-bitten tough cop who plays by his own rules." CSI has David curruso whose biggest acting part was being one of the sheriff deputies in Rambo. It also has Gary sinise who is a good actor but hasn't done anything good in years. And William Petersen whose last good credit was manhunter! Check the year on that fucker! Sometimes the acting can stoop to lows you've never seen before.

To hell with this fantasy sci-fi shit!..........

P.S: How can Desperate Housewives not be considered a program for guys? The episode I just watched Bree totes shotguns and Gabby kicks nuns. How can men NOT watch this?