18 November, 2009

CC21: Curling.....I can win an olympic medal for sweeping now?

If you can measure a person by the sport they watch then you can safely assume anyone who thinks curling is a sport is a complete fucking idiot. Since moving to Canada I've been watching this pile of cack "sport" for a while now and I still don't see the appeal. It's sweeping on ice with stones. That's it. Nothing more. Also I've absorbed huge amounts of flak because of my hatred for the sport.

What the hell is wrong with you people? Brooms and rocks? Sweeping? And we include this stupid shit in the Olympics? The Olympics? I don't see how it can even be considered a sport. There's a reason why I didn't realize that the games were going on until just recently, and don't give a fuck now that I'm aware of it. This international fruitcake janitor competition is a good example, thereof. People have told me that it requires a lot of physical effort to slide a slab of granite down some ice. I don't care if your scrotum ruptures with every sweep of the broom - it's insulting to see it involved in the Olympics. The institution truly has no meaning any longer. It's a joke. I stopped respecting the IOC when they allowed numerous boxers to be fucked over at Seoul Olympics, now I can't stand the shower of bastards.

Just in case you're reading this and thinking that physical exertion is no determinant of what is or isn't a sport then let me ask you this: How do you feel about marathon salt-licking? Shall we defend that 'sport' with a lecture on the 'significant difficulty' that tongue athletes encounter whilst training to lick blocks of salt for the sacred games? How the tongue cramps can break a person's will, how it takes years of dedicated licking to tone the muscle to the extremes demanded in the international arena? Shall we expound upon the horrors of salt burn and the tactical intricacies of stroke-angle and pressure that are required to minimize damage to the taste buds?

No? Well how about distance pissing against the wind, then? I bet exercising the urethral musculature to its biological peak would require immense discipline and noteworthy physical prowess. Not to mention the difficulty in perfecting a technique of forcing the piss stream to such a narrow band that it can penetrate the shearing forces of the wind.

Oh, and just in case anyone who curls reads this and brings up the inherent drinking nature of the sport let me ask you this: Are you really claiming that being able to drink while playing qualifies the game for gold medals? Is the sport that boring that not do you have to pissed to watch it, you have to be pissed to play it? Can you imagine talking to curler? "So what do you do for a living?", "I use a broom........I knew you wouldn't understand"

Most of the newer "sports" are just simply derivations of other sports for people who can't be arsed to play the originals.
I will now compile a list of sports that need to be eliminated for our species to advance:

  • Handball: Football for people who can't kick a ball.
  • Walking: For people who can't run fast. Seriously it's against the rules to run.
  • Butterfly: Its swimming, but made stupid. In fact I don't see the point in any swimming style other than freestyle. Its like having the 100m skip, or the 200m relay roll-along-the-ground.
  • Badminton. For people who can't play tennis. If you want to play tennis, play it. If you want to play volleyball, play it. Don't mix the two and pretend it's a real fucking sport. Also the word "shuttlecock" should ever be used in any sport.
  • Equestrian Dressage: For people who can't win human beauty contests it's the equivalent of a beauty pageant for horses.
  • Synchronized swimming: Especially when they have the commercials with Ronald McDonald participating in it.
  • Rhythmic Gymnastics: Once again... I'm not really a Gymnast so I'll twirl this ribbon and people will think its pretty.
  • Ice dancing: Can't make it as a real figure skater? No Problem.

Forget this shit. I'll give up all my physical conditioning and start sewing for the 2012 Olympics...

Curling is not a sport. I called my grandmother and told her she could win a gold medal because they have dusting in the Olympics now. ~Charles Barkley