17 June, 2011

CC32: Tom Six: A man who can’t have his mouth and anus stitched together because they’re one and the same......

Having recently watched Human centipede 2: (Centipede Harder) and observing the furore surrounding its banning (not really as movies refused classification can still be shown) I made the following assessment: people are idiots. How did I come to that assessment? People LOVE being treated like idiots.

This isn’t just a Censorship argument. As I believe the price you pay for being able to express yourself is having to put up with everyone else who does. It’s a price worth paying in my opinion. A censorship board is a fairly arcane establishment and, along with witch-finder generals and Oracles, their time has come and gone and they now seek only to scare-monger in an age where more information is disseminated than ever before and even less is understood. So while a person would object strongly to being told by you or me that they can’t see a movie when a board comprised of people no-one knows and they didn’t select tells them this they simply baa complacently and go see next Jack Black atrocity.

The film board banned the movie because they felt the content was “So obscene as to be potentially dangerous to viewers.” They also go on to say “the fact that "the viewer” is invited to witness events from the perspective of the protagonist, opens up the possibility that the film could "deprave or corrupt a significant proportion of those likely to see it”. This is an incredibly patronising view of the movie-going public. The movie was banned for our own safety? Are you fucking kidding me? I can take care of myself thank you very much. That’s why we’ve been given rights. Regardless of whether you’ve seen it or not nothing a movie shows me could more offensive then the assumption that I need to be protected from a fucking movie.

For any who have not seen Human Centipede 2:(Centipedes on a plane), it’s your typical gory, slice-em-up-and put-em-back together slasher fare. A man inspired by the first movie seeks to re-create it, only this time, one better. I’ll repeat that: a fictional character inspired by an actual movie (although I wish the existence of the first movie WAS a fiction but, hey, life’s a bitch) seeks to re-create it. And that’s it. That’s the plot. In fact that simple four-line description has actually over-complicated it.

This is why it’s also a taste issue (rather than the bad one you’ll have in your mouth after sitting through this dreck). The reason I’m surprised at the surge of complaints is that none of the people making them seems to have seen the movie. I know this because their complaints make no sense. It’s a really, really, really bad movie. Why are people making up stuff to bash it about? Just watch the fucking thing and you’ll have more than enough ammo (and determination) to lash the movie until the end of time.

It truly is an atrocious movie. The writing is awful and the dialogue inserts itself in every scene with an audible “clunk”. The acting is so sub-par I doubt it would’ve passed on an episode of CSI. The camera-work is shoddy and the direction is virtually non-existent. Or maybe it is there it’s just so feeble it barely registers I’m still not sure. Hell, even the effects aren’t that good. It’s all too in-your-face. I wasn’t reviled by this, I was bored. Really bored. And insulted. Insulted that this is what is apparently so shocking I can’t be allowed to see it lest I go the rampage tonight with a bat and a needle and thread.

This is the second place we’re getting patronised from. From directors who think shit like this is what entertains us. I want a plot that engages me. Yes, even in a horror movie plot is essential. It’s what makes you want to see what’s next like an engrossed viewer not a condemned person. I also want characters with backgrounds, back stories or lives. A developed character is good for two reasons: Firstly it helps the actor do a good job (imagine trying to personify a character with as much life as a cardboard cut-out) Secondly, if a character is well-fleshed out the audience is more likely to care about what happens to them and therefore more likely to be disturbed or frightened when it does.

Plot and character. The two wheels on a cart of a good movie. In fact not just a good movie a good story and that is ultimately what all movies strive to convey. This basic tenet is what Tom Six has missed completely. He based one movie on the flimsy premise of another and is now complaining that people don’t “get it”. He claims it was meant to be humorous but if there is one word you could not possibly use to describe this movie it’s “humorous”. Along with words like “good” or “worthwhile”. I think he’s trying to get away with making a bad movie by claiming it was a joke nobody got while failing to realise (or not wanting to admit to) the fact that the reason no-one “got it” it because there’s nothing to get. Often, when people don’t laugh at a joke, it’s because it’s wasn’t funny not that they missed the point.

He crammed his movie so full of gore and (attempted) shocks to the expense of everything else and is now complaining that people wanted more. It’s not the “stiff upper lip” (his words for explaining why it was banned, which also give much insight into the sheer shallowness of his talent.) it was the “rational mind” that got this movie banned. Because when looked at it’s nothing but poorly done, cheap schlock horror. And trying to justify it by claiming it’s a sick joke smacks of immaturity.

Not that we couldn’t have known this movie was going to be pants before we saw it. All you’d have to is take a look at the first one (which wasn’t banned incidentally enough, the inclusion of a plot mayhap?) to realise that this idea had already been taken as far as it could go and it wasn’t even that good an idea to begin with.

After two of these movies I’d rather have my mouth stitched to another person’s anus then watch another installment. ....................