So after
an opening gameweek which was only occasionally dull with individual
flashes of 'Holy shit' this week gave us...........pretty much more
of the same. Only the dull was even duller and the shit even more
holy. It was a prolonged weekend of fake results,
deserved results and WTF results so let's examine the finer points to
try to see what the hell is going on, if indeed anyone knows
anymore..........
Man
U Vs Villa: Van Gaal's insomnia cure keeps on rollin'........
After
the snooze-fest of the previous week United had a decent opportunity
to chalk that one up to first game jitters and steal a march on the
season proper. With Villa a club in transition and no-where near a
similar level of quality across the board, United were expected to
rack up the goals alongside the points. Now, while they took all
three points the manner of the game will have even the most die-hard
United fan shitting themselves. United were, again, rancid and were
bailed out again courtesy of a one brief moment of average play
leading to a deflected goal. In a dazzling display that will have any
League two team pissing their shorts (laughing) United lolled around
the pitch not doing much and not looking like they were trying to do
much either, with the key stat being that Rooney didn't touch the
ball in the opposition box until the 93rd
minute. 93 fucking minutes.
If you've ever wondering what it would be like if a team fielded a
chest of drawers as a central striker you'd be hard pressed to come
up with a more apt example. He looks completely shot and, while I
know making judgements two games in is asking for it, I reckon he's
finished as a top-tier player. United only world-class player (De
Gea) sat this one again and, for all of Villa's improvement, so could
have Romero. Some was due to a re-vamped solid looking defence
(Smalling was really very good) and some was due to a lack of any
kind of cohesion in Villa's attack. But alas, again, United were
there for the taking and, again, the opponent failed to capitalise.
The match seemed doomed, as with last week, to end in a rotten 0-0
draw when Mata produced one the few moments of brightness in the game
to play in Januzaj, starting for the time in six months, to sweep
home a shot which deflected off Clark and into the far corner. How
United will deal with a team who will punish them, they host Swansea
in two weeks time remember and Ayew and Gomis are no doubt licking
their lips at this showing, is anyone's guess but expect riots if Van
Gaal does not add another striker before the window closes.
Soton
Vs Everton: The manager wasn't the only one on crutches.........
What a difference a week makes eh? Or for Southampton it doesn't. For
Everton, however, a week was all it took for them to finally find
that groove that makes the team work, at least for a game. While
credit is due to Everton for the ruthlessness of their attack they
have to concede that they were up against a poor facsimile of the
Southampton team that shocked everyone last season. It seems that
they've lost whatever screen they've needed in front of the defence
and their shipping goals for fun now. Last week a decent Newcastle
team stretched them to the limit and the worry was , if Everton
actually showed up, they could be in for a bad time.
Oh
how right they were. Lukaku was rampant and, combining with Barkley,
Kone and Coleman, took Southampton apart with an ease that would've
been impossible at any point last season. While Pelle was unfortunate
not to score today he looked like the only Southampton play who was
trying as the rest of his team turned in probably their worst
performance under Koeman to date. A last ditch Shane Long goal saved
them a point last week. This time they needed a miracle or at least a
massive improvement. They go away to Watford next week and, judging
how they took Everton to the brink it's difficult to not see them
getting their first win if this is a sign of things to come. After
shipping two goals to Lukaku in the first half, Southampton played
better in the second half and were unlucky not to pull one back
through a superb strike for Mane bettered only by the quality of the
save Howard made to keep it out. Everton, however, soaked up the
pressure and when it look about to break, Barkley added a goal to his
assist, cutting in from the left and swerving a stunning shot past
Stekelenburg to firmly put the nail in the coffin of this match and
put the cherry on top of this victory. And they'll need it because
they host City next week while Southampton have a Thursday Europa
match followed by Watford on Saturday. It could be one of those
weeks.....
Spurs
Vs Stoke: Arsenal aren't the only London club with a self-destruct
button......
One wonders if Spurs this season will run out of ammo first before
they run out of their own feet to shoot. Having gone ahead to a Dier
header from a typically excellent Erikson corner they had assumed
control of the match due to Stoke playing so deep their defenders
were playing the ball-boys onside they doubled their lead at the best
time possible, just on the stroke before half time, with some more
slack defending allowing Chadli to thump home a volley at the near
post. While they did not have the entire half to themselves, Lloris
was on hand to again make some properly world-class saves, they made
enough of a mark to walk into the dressing room at half-time with
their heads held high and assured of the three points.
Only
no-one told Stoke this. One thing Hughes has always been able to
breed into his teams is a never-say-die attitude and it served them
so well this day. Having a quality bench helps too. An obviously
tired and leggy Kane scuffed his only chance of the game to make it
3-0, denied by a super save from Butland and then Stoke applied the
pressure. The pressure arrived in the 59th
minute in the form of Stephen Ireland. A fringe player so far at
Stoke despite the obvious love Hughes holds for him, his link up play
with both Arnautovic and Diouf was what allowed Stoke to really crank
up the heat. Alderweireld stupidly tugged back Joselu, another new
signing, in the box leaving the ref with no option but to point to
the spot. He put it away with aplomb on the 78th
minute and on the 83rd
Ireland crossed for a hilariously unmarked Diouf to head home to seal
the draw and the point. Booed by a section of their own fans, Spurs
will have to pick themselves up after this and their thoughts will be
with how they'll manage against better teams with Kane tired and with
the newly incumbent Njie as the only other viable striking option.
For Spurs, it's a worrying thought.
Norwich
Vs Sunderland: The crowning of the whipping boys.........
Let's face it, Sunderland seem pretty fucked. After an torrid display
in their opening game a second game against a newly promoted team
seemed like just the ticket. Only Norwich played quite well against a
robust Crystal Palace team and it was only their slack marking that
undermined what was a decent performance. Sunderland have none of the
qualities that marked out that Palace performance; skill, grit,
determination and that potential for a flash of genius to light up a
game. The only thing Sunderland lit up today was the exit signs at
half time as their fans left in droves. The only reason the booing
wasn't louder was because so many had left by the end, silver linings
and all, I suppose.
For Norwich it's a well deserved three points and a fine showing for
their Irish contingent as both Brady and Hoolihan (2) picked up the
assists with some lovely interplay with the strikers, Redmond
especially. For Sunderland it's the reality that their policy, of
simply throwing shit at a wall and staying up solely because the
other guys' shit didn't stick too well, has finally caught up with
them. With barely any investment in the squad Sunderland fans have
actually taken to wondering if Mike Ashley might be better than Ellis
Short, which is surely the footballing equivalent of arguing about
which barrel of the shotgun you want to be shot with. Season after
season of wretched displays still haven't dis-heartened what must be
the most loyal fanbase in history, 41,000 fucking thousand turned out
to watch this crapfest, and they want more, no, they deserve more.
Swansea
Vs Newcastle: Karma is a bitch..............
Not
so long ago McClaren was one of the rounding voices urging more
British (emphasis on English) players being bought and fielded by
Premier league clubs. So much so, that he added his name to a letter
which resembled a papal bull which was sent to the FA. Now he's at
the helm of arguably his biggest club ever he............fields only
one English player, another as a sub and then splurges 35 million on
a Dutchman, a Congolese and a psychotic Serbian. Sticking to your
guns eh, Stevie? Well fucking done there. Bet the FA and Hodgson are
falling over themselves to applaud your efforts to help them out.
Being out-played by a Swansea team fielding eight British players
(including subs) was just the karmic filling in the humble pie.
None
of this wanton hypocrisy, however, detracts from the fact that
Newcastle never deserved to win this. Pressed back their 18 yard line
at times, Newcastle could barely draw breath, let alone play
football. Despite showing a good degree of pluck after Janmaat
getting himself sent off ridiculously for a second yellow on 41
minutes, Newcastle were never in this game and were outplayed to a
man. The trio of Ayew, Montero and Gomis were just fucking brilliant
today, along with a fantastic assist from Shelvey. It's no surprise
that Janmaat was sent off for dragging back Montero although his
exposure could be part McClaren's fault as pairing him up with
Sissoko (who laughs in the face of his defensive duties) didn't help.
But it was sheer luck that Newcastle weren't stuffed and Swansea
fully controlled the match from start to finish. Mitrovic again
getting himself booked within minutes of coming on really should have
McClaren shaking his head at his decision to buy him so hard he'd
need a neck brace.
I'm telling you, their game against Sunderland next week is going to
be fucking bloodbath...
Watford
Vs West Brom: Hornets are missing their Sting.........
Watford
were keen to continue their hard and fast method of football having
only collected a point against Everton last week and were certainly
hoping for more luck against a Brommie team reeling from a
comprehensive 3-0 destruction at the hands of Man City. Flores has
whipped his team into a fast paced, high tempo whirlwind and, while
it sure as hell shocked the West Brom players who at times looked
like super fans who just wandered onto the pitch, he could not be
expecting his team to be this blunt in attack. His team enjoyed
almost 65% of the possession and out-passed West Brom almost 4 to 1
yet they could not kill the game off and it'll certainly leave a
bitter taste in his mouth that all the best chances fell the Brommie
attackers, particularly Berahino who headed narrowly wide on the 80th
minute.
Last week, Pulis held his hands up and conceded that he really
shouldn't have gone with two strikers against a team as strong as
City. Today he fielded three at one point and, worryingly, they just
as ineffective. He'll be thanking his lucky stars that Watford lacked
even a tenth of the finishing verve of their previous opponents, with
the Watford attacks doing nothing more than beef up Myhill's fantasy
football score. For both teams, however, the time for easy points may
be up already as Watford's next three games are against Southampton,
Man City and Swansea respectively and they'll be lucky to salvage a
point from those three fixtures. Same goes for Bromich as their next
three are Stoke, Chelsea and Southampton and they would surely be
fortunate also to garner more than a point from that run......
West
Ham Vs Leicester: Swings and roundabouts I suppose.......
Fresh
off arguably the
major upset of last week, West Ham were looking to extend their fine
start with a comfortable romp over a Leicester team that would have
surely posed easy pickings a week ago. Leicester's 4-2 trouncing of
Sunderland having the sheen taken off it by the subsequent toxic
Sunderland performances, the Hammers could go into this knowing they
were clearly favourites. Maybe it was this hubris that was their
undoing or maybe Tinkerman has found his working formula and will
probably tinker quite a lot less in the future?
West
Ham fielded pretty much the same team that trod all over Arsenal, bar
Jenkinson at left back, and would've been happy with the rushing out
of the blocks right at the start, Schmichael flapping his hands at a
curling Payet free-kick in and Reese Oxford (who picks up his school
exam results on Thursday for fucks sake!) heading just a fraction
over. This fast start was an illusion, however, because either
Leicester put their foot down or West Ham took theirs off (or both)
the tide of the game turned swiftly. Leicester's hustle and energy in
attack was compounded by West Ham virtually ignoring the flank play
that saw them so much success at the Emirates and they played almost
right into the Leicester midfield.
This congestion tied them up whilst releasing Leicester's own wide
players to bring havoc to the Hammers defence. Vardy and Okazaki had
a field day today, they surely will not enjoy better fruits as this.
They sliced through the West Ham defence almost at will and it's no
surprise that both were at the hearts of both goals. The first was
from a stunning Vardy cross met first time by Okazaki which required
Adrian's inhuman reflexes to stop. Unfortunately, his save succeeded
in only palming the ball straight up and Okazaki just had to stand
there and allow the ball to drop onto him to score his first PL goal.
The two then combined to tee up Mahrez for his third, carving open
the defence to leave him free to thump home. Payet pulled one back
but Ranieri shut up shop at that point and rode the crest of the wave
to another, deserved, three points.
Crystal
Palace Vs Arsenal: Right, last week doesn't count right?..........
After blowing their chance to kick off the season in style against
West Ham last week the Gunners had probably soaked up a lifetimes
worth of pressure before this match, which is not ideal at the best
of times and far less so now. Selhurst Park is renowned as one of the
few remaining “Lion's den” grounds left in the PL. The fans are
so close that, when they shout, you can feel their breath on your
neck in the centre circle. And shout they do. Palace fans bring the
fucking noise and ,at home, they can sound a lot like a cross between
a zombie hoard and a marching band filled to the tits with
amphetamines.
They've
a decent team too. Smoking Norwich 3-1 last week really put a spring
in their step and smashing the Arsenal at home would be the cherry on
top of a fine premier league start. However it was not to be. The
Arsenal that showed up this week actually remembered how to play
football, how to mix it up and how to score goals. And mix it up they
did, I've never seen an Arsenal team sling in this many crosses and
each one seem to put the shits up the Palace defence. I hope they
keep this aspect of their game up as it's really great to finally see
them stick it in like this. One aspects fans will hope not
to see
is the recurrence the “Only score the perfect goal” mentality.
Alexis really should've had a hat-trick inside of fifteen minutes if
only he'd remember to pull the fucking trigger a second earlier. Ozil
put on an absolute fucking masterclass and was only short a goal
himself to make it a perfect game. He racked up an assist and
mis-placed only one
pass the entire game (He attempted 55) most of them being in the
Palace final third (37 of 38).
Giroud
took his goal very well considering the ball, crossed very well, was
a bit behind him and his volley completely wrong-footed McCarthy.
Palace pulled one back through a well taken Dann strike into the far
bottom corner which both Koscielny
and
Cech really should've done better for. Koscielny, in particular makes
no attempt to even stop the shot, he just turns around to watch it
sail into the bottom corner, whilst Cech seemed to almost pull his
hands back at the last moment for fear he might actually touch the
ball. Wickham would hit the post later on but when Bellerin slung in
a cross (yes, BOTH Arsenal goals came from crosses!, yeah I know!)
Alexis practically vaulted over Dann to thunder home a header that
Delaney could only direct into his own net.
Man
City Vs Chelsea: Yeah, Karma REALLY is a bitch..............
I reckon there's a lot of medical staff toasting this one even a few
in Chelsea colours. The first meeting between two of the top four was
likely either to be an all or nothing affair. City were looking to
kick on from as good a start as anyone could hope for and Chelsea
were looking to kick on from an opening match that loomed so close to
disaster is was palpable. Even without Courtois, hands down one of
the best keepers around, Chelsea have a brilliant understudy in
Begovic and one the most water-tight defences in the league. City
also have a potent squad that, at times, has failed to click but when
it does it's so difficult to play against given that there are
virtually no weak points.
This potential clash of the titans, however, could not have gone more
wrong for Chelsea. Their only positive point is that the scoreline
actually flattered them. Begovic was immense in goal, he alone was
responsible for the deficit not being three times more than it was at
half-time. The Chelsea defence was hilariously porous and vulnerable
to the speed that City fielded. Sterling, clearly taking notes from
the Swansea game, was given licence to run at both Ivanovic and
Cahill while Terry was so unable to deal with Aguero that he was
subbed, for the first time in 177 games, at half time for Zouma in a
last ditch attempt to add some speed to the backline.
Right from the start City just flew at Chelsea with near reckless
abandon but never exposed themselves. Kolorov and Sagna by-passed the
Chelsea midfield almost as if it didn't exist while Silva and Toure,
both of who collected all the assists, pegged straight through the
centre with no real resistance. The first goal was signposted long
before it came, Toure blitzing through midfield and fed Aguero who
was given entirely far too much time, with three defenders around
him, in the box to turn and sweep home with his left foot. Chelsea
weren't much better after the interval and they conceded a second
from a standard corner. Kompany out-muscling Ivanovic to glance home.
City's total control was beginning to show, Chelsea were epitomised
by the figure of Costa frustrated at being in Mangala's pocket the
whole match, and when Fernandinho capped his stunning MOTM
performance with an equally stunning strike in the 85th
minute Chelsea were just about ready to lie down and die.
Liverpool
Vs Bournemouth: Here are the new rules.....same as the old rules.....
If Bournemouth had harboured any aspirations of taking a big team
scalp they won't get much of a better opportunity here. Liverpool are
still in transition and lack fluidity but given that Rodgers picked
the exact same squad that played Stoke it's obvious what his
preferred lineup is. That lack of cohesion nearly cost them, and
really should've, inside the first ten minutes. Ritchie had a serious
amount of success down the flank and his corner was perfectly
delivered for Elphick to jump and head home. The goal was harshly
judged to be a foul on Lovren, when he'd done little more than lean
on him. It proved to be a turning point of sorts for the match and
Liverpool steamed forward whilst simultaneously killing off
Bournemouth's own counter-attacks. Coutinho was, again, Liverpool's
main source of attacking threat and invention but it was either sheer
dumb luck or incompetence that didn't see him ruled offside for
Benteke's goal.
Henderson managed to catch the entire Bournemouth defence on the hop
by playing a corner back for Clyne to set him up to cross in from a
better angle. Bournemouth sprung the offside trap expertly, catching
Coutinho offside who swiped at the ball, the attempt leaving Boruc in
no-mans land. Benteke swept in at the back post and converted. Under
the new interpretation of the offside rule, Coutinho met all three
terms of intent, proximity and impact on the opponent and was the
very clearest definition of offside. It's sad that this match was
decided by a grey interpretation of a rule that was specifically
designed to have no grey area. Yet the goal stood and the match ended
in a flurry of activity for both teams with Benteke hitting the post
and Coutinho seeing some good chances spurned or blocked and the
final whistle brought relief and three welcome points and some
controversy.