Gameweek 2: The good, the bad and the.......holy fuck, did anyone watch the Chelsea match?

So after an opening gameweek which was only occasionally dull with individual flashes of 'Holy shit' this week gave us...........pretty much more of the same. Only the dull was even duller and the shit even more holy. It was a prolonged weekend of fake results, deserved results and WTF results so let's examine the finer points to try to see what the hell is going on, if indeed anyone knows anymore..........

Man U Vs Villa: Van Gaal's insomnia cure keeps on rollin'........

After the snooze-fest of the previous week United had a decent opportunity to chalk that one up to first game jitters and steal a march on the season proper. With Villa a club in transition and no-where near a similar level of quality across the board, United were expected to rack up the goals alongside the points. Now, while they took all three points the manner of the game will have even the most die-hard United fan shitting themselves. United were, again, rancid and were bailed out again courtesy of a one brief moment of average play leading to a deflected goal. In a dazzling display that will have any League two team pissing their shorts (laughing) United lolled around the pitch not doing much and not looking like they were trying to do much either, with the key stat being that Rooney didn't touch the ball in the opposition box until the 93^rd minute. 93 fucking minutes.

If you've ever wondering what it would be like if a team fielded a chest of drawers as a central striker you'd be hard pressed to come up with a more apt example. He looks completely shot and, while I know making judgements two games in is asking for it, I reckon he's finished as a top-tier player. United only world-class player (De Gea) sat this one again and, for all of Villa's improvement, so could have Romero. Some was due to a re-vamped solid looking defence (Smalling was really very good) and some was due to a lack of any kind of cohesion in Villa's attack. But alas, again, United were there for the taking and, again, the opponent failed to capitalise. The match seemed doomed, as with last week, to end in a rotten 0-0 draw when Mata produced one the few moments of brightness in the game to play in Januzaj, starting for the time in six months, to sweep home a shot which deflected off Clark and into the far corner. How United will deal with a team who will punish them, they host Swansea in two weeks time remember and Ayew and Gomis are no doubt licking their lips at this showing, is anyone's guess but expect riots if Van Gaal does not add another striker before the window closes.

Soton Vs Everton: The manager wasn't the only one on crutches.........

What a difference a week makes eh? Or for Southampton it doesn't. For Everton, however, a week was all it took for them to finally find that groove that makes the team work, at least for a game. While credit is due to Everton for the ruthlessness of their attack they have to concede that they were up against a poor facsimile of the Southampton team that shocked everyone last season. It seems that they've lost whatever screen they've needed in front of the defence and their shipping goals for fun now. Last week a decent Newcastle team stretched them to the limit and the worry was , if Everton actually showed up, they could be in for a bad time.

Oh how right they were. Lukaku was rampant and, combining with Barkley, Kone and Coleman, took Southampton apart with an ease that would've been impossible at any point last season. While Pelle was unfortunate not to score today he looked like the only Southampton play who was trying as the rest of his team turned in probably their worst performance under Koeman to date. A last ditch Shane Long goal saved them a point last week. This time they needed a miracle or at least a massive improvement. They go away to Watford next week and, judging how they took Everton to the brink it's difficult to not see them getting their first win if this is a sign of things to come. After shipping two goals to Lukaku in the first half, Southampton played better in the second half and were unlucky not to pull one back through a superb strike for Mane bettered only by the quality of the save Howard made to keep it out. Everton, however, soaked up the pressure and when it look about to break, Barkley added a goal to his assist, cutting in from the left and swerving a stunning shot past Stekelenburg to firmly put the nail in the coffin of this match and put the cherry on top of this victory. And they'll need it because they host City next week while Southampton have a Thursday Europa match followed by Watford on Saturday. It could be one of those weeks.....

Spurs Vs Stoke: Arsenal aren't the only London club with a self-destruct button......

One wonders if Spurs this season will run out of ammo first before they run out of their own feet to shoot. Having gone ahead to a Dier header from a typically excellent Erikson corner they had assumed control of the match due to Stoke playing so deep their defenders were playing the ball-boys onside they doubled their lead at the best time possible, just on the stroke before half time, with some more slack defending allowing Chadli to thump home a volley at the near post. While they did not have the entire half to themselves, Lloris was on hand to again make some properly world-class saves, they made enough of a mark to walk into the dressing room at half-time with their heads held high and assured of the three points.

Only no-one told Stoke this. One thing Hughes has always been able to breed into his teams is a never-say-die attitude and it served them so well this day. Having a quality bench helps too. An obviously tired and leggy Kane scuffed his only chance of the game to make it 3-0, denied by a super save from Butland and then Stoke applied the pressure. The pressure arrived in the 59^th minute in the form of Stephen Ireland. A fringe player so far at Stoke despite the obvious love Hughes holds for him, his link up play with both Arnautovic and Diouf was what allowed Stoke to really crank up the heat. Alderweireld stupidly tugged back Joselu, another new signing, in the box leaving the ref with no option but to point to the spot. He put it away with aplomb on the 78^th minute and on the 83^rd Ireland crossed for a hilariously unmarked Diouf to head home to seal the draw and the point. Booed by a section of their own fans, Spurs will have to pick themselves up after this and their thoughts will be with how they'll manage against better teams with Kane tired and with the newly incumbent Njie as the only other viable striking option. For Spurs, it's a worrying thought.

Norwich Vs Sunderland: The crowning of the whipping boys.........

Let's face it, Sunderland seem pretty fucked. After an torrid display in their opening game a second game against a newly promoted team seemed like just the ticket. Only Norwich played quite well against a robust Crystal Palace team and it was only their slack marking that undermined what was a decent performance. Sunderland have none of the qualities that marked out that Palace performance; skill, grit, determination and that potential for a flash of genius to light up a game. The only thing Sunderland lit up today was the exit signs at half time as their fans left in droves. The only reason the booing wasn't louder was because so many had left by the end, silver linings and all, I suppose.

For Norwich it's a well deserved three points and a fine showing for their Irish contingent as both Brady and Hoolihan (2) picked up the assists with some lovely interplay with the strikers, Redmond especially. For Sunderland it's the reality that their policy, of simply throwing shit at a wall and staying up solely because the other guys' shit didn't stick too well, has finally caught up with them. With barely any investment in the squad Sunderland fans have actually taken to wondering if Mike Ashley might be better than Ellis Short, which is surely the footballing equivalent of arguing about which barrel of the shotgun you want to be shot with. Season after season of wretched displays still haven't dis-heartened what must be the most loyal fanbase in history, 41,000 fucking thousand turned out to watch this crapfest, and they want more, no, they deserve more.

Swansea Vs Newcastle: Karma is a bitch..............

Not so long ago McClaren was one of the rounding voices urging more British (emphasis on English) players being bought and fielded by Premier league clubs. So much so, that he added his name to a letter which resembled a papal bull which was sent to the FA. Now he's at the helm of arguably his biggest club ever he............fields only one English player, another as a sub and then splurges 35 million on a Dutchman, a Congolese and a psychotic Serbian. Sticking to your guns eh, Stevie? Well fucking done there. Bet the FA and Hodgson are falling over themselves to applaud your efforts to help them out. Being out-played by a Swansea team fielding eight British players (including subs) was just the karmic filling in the humble pie.

None of this wanton hypocrisy, however, detracts from the fact that Newcastle never deserved to win this. Pressed back their 18 yard line at times, Newcastle could barely draw breath, let alone play football. Despite showing a good degree of pluck after Janmaat getting himself sent off ridiculously for a second yellow on 41 minutes, Newcastle were never in this game and were outplayed to a man. The trio of Ayew, Montero and Gomis were just fucking brilliant today, along with a fantastic assist from Shelvey. It's no surprise that Janmaat was sent off for dragging back Montero although his exposure could be part McClaren's fault as pairing him up with Sissoko (who laughs in the face of his defensive duties) didn't help. But it was sheer luck that Newcastle weren't stuffed and Swansea fully controlled the match from start to finish. Mitrovic again getting himself booked within minutes of coming on really should have McClaren shaking his head at his decision to buy him so hard he'd need a neck brace.

I'm telling you, their game against Sunderland next week is going to be fucking bloodbath...

Watford Vs West Brom: Hornets are missing their Sting.........

Watford were keen to continue their hard and fast method of football having only collected a point against Everton last week and were certainly hoping for more luck against a Brommie team reeling from a comprehensive 3-0 destruction at the hands of Man City. Flores has whipped his team into a fast paced, high tempo whirlwind and, while it sure as hell shocked the West Brom players who at times looked like super fans who just wandered onto the pitch, he could not be expecting his team to be this blunt in attack. His team enjoyed almost 65% of the possession and out-passed West Brom almost 4 to 1 yet they could not kill the game off and it'll certainly leave a bitter taste in his mouth that all the best chances fell the Brommie attackers, particularly Berahino who headed narrowly wide on the 80^th minute.

Last week, Pulis held his hands up and conceded that he really shouldn't have gone with two strikers against a team as strong as City. Today he fielded three at one point and, worryingly, they just as ineffective. He'll be thanking his lucky stars that Watford lacked even a tenth of the finishing verve of their previous opponents, with the Watford attacks doing nothing more than beef up Myhill's fantasy football score. For both teams, however, the time for easy points may be up already as Watford's next three games are against Southampton, Man City and Swansea respectively and they'll be lucky to salvage a point from those three fixtures. Same goes for Bromich as their next three are Stoke, Chelsea and Southampton and they would surely be fortunate also to garner more than a point from that run......

West Ham Vs Leicester: Swings and roundabouts I suppose.......

Fresh off arguably the major upset of last week, West Ham were looking to extend their fine start with a comfortable romp over a Leicester team that would have surely posed easy pickings a week ago. Leicester's 4-2 trouncing of Sunderland having the sheen taken off it by the subsequent toxic Sunderland performances, the Hammers could go into this knowing they were clearly favourites. Maybe it was this hubris that was their undoing or maybe Tinkerman has found his working formula and will probably tinker quite a lot less in the future?

West Ham fielded pretty much the same team that trod all over Arsenal, bar Jenkinson at left back, and would've been happy with the rushing out of the blocks right at the start, Schmichael flapping his hands at a curling Payet free-kick in and Reese Oxford (who picks up his school exam results on Thursday for fucks sake!) heading just a fraction over. This fast start was an illusion, however, because either Leicester put their foot down or West Ham took theirs off (or both) the tide of the game turned swiftly. Leicester's hustle and energy in attack was compounded by West Ham virtually ignoring the flank play that saw them so much success at the Emirates and they played almost right into the Leicester midfield.

This congestion tied them up whilst releasing Leicester's own wide players to bring havoc to the Hammers defence. Vardy and Okazaki had a field day today, they surely will not enjoy better fruits as this. They sliced through the West Ham defence almost at will and it's no surprise that both were at the hearts of both goals. The first was from a stunning Vardy cross met first time by Okazaki which required Adrian's inhuman reflexes to stop. Unfortunately, his save succeeded in only palming the ball straight up and Okazaki just had to stand there and allow the ball to drop onto him to score his first PL goal. The two then combined to tee up Mahrez for his third, carving open the defence to leave him free to thump home. Payet pulled one back but Ranieri shut up shop at that point and rode the crest of the wave to another, deserved, three points.

Crystal Palace Vs Arsenal: Right, last week doesn't count right?..........

After blowing their chance to kick off the season in style against West Ham last week the Gunners had probably soaked up a lifetimes worth of pressure before this match, which is not ideal at the best of times and far less so now. Selhurst Park is renowned as one of the few remaining “Lion's den” grounds left in the PL. The fans are so close that, when they shout, you can feel their breath on your neck in the centre circle. And shout they do. Palace fans bring the fucking noise and ,at home, they can sound a lot like a cross between a zombie hoard and a marching band filled to the tits with amphetamines.

They've a decent team too. Smoking Norwich 3-1 last week really put a spring in their step and smashing the Arsenal at home would be the cherry on top of a fine premier league start. However it was not to be. The Arsenal that showed up this week actually remembered how to play football, how to mix it up and how to score goals. And mix it up they did, I've never seen an Arsenal team sling in this many crosses and each one seem to put the shits up the Palace defence. I hope they keep this aspect of their game up as it's really great to finally see them stick it in like this. One aspects fans will hope not to see is the recurrence the “Only score the perfect goal” mentality. Alexis really should've had a hat-trick inside of fifteen minutes if only he'd remember to pull the fucking trigger a second earlier. Ozil put on an absolute fucking masterclass and was only short a goal himself to make it a perfect game. He racked up an assist and mis-placed only one pass the entire game (He attempted 55) most of them being in the Palace final third (37 of 38).

Giroud took his goal very well considering the ball, crossed very well, was a bit behind him and his volley completely wrong-footed McCarthy. Palace pulled one back through a well taken Dann strike into the far bottom corner which both Koscielny and Cech really should've done better for. Koscielny, in particular makes no attempt to even stop the shot, he just turns around to watch it sail into the bottom corner, whilst Cech seemed to almost pull his hands back at the last moment for fear he might actually touch the ball. Wickham would hit the post later on but when Bellerin slung in a cross (yes, BOTH Arsenal goals came from crosses!, yeah I know!) Alexis practically vaulted over Dann to thunder home a header that Delaney could only direct into his own net.

Man City Vs Chelsea: Yeah, Karma REALLY is a bitch..............

I reckon there's a lot of medical staff toasting this one even a few in Chelsea colours. The first meeting between two of the top four was likely either to be an all or nothing affair. City were looking to kick on from as good a start as anyone could hope for and Chelsea were looking to kick on from an opening match that loomed so close to disaster is was palpable. Even without Courtois, hands down one of the best keepers around, Chelsea have a brilliant understudy in Begovic and one the most water-tight defences in the league. City also have a potent squad that, at times, has failed to click but when it does it's so difficult to play against given that there are virtually no weak points.

This potential clash of the titans, however, could not have gone more wrong for Chelsea. Their only positive point is that the scoreline actually flattered them. Begovic was immense in goal, he alone was responsible for the deficit not being three times more than it was at half-time. The Chelsea defence was hilariously porous and vulnerable to the speed that City fielded. Sterling, clearly taking notes from the Swansea game, was given licence to run at both Ivanovic and Cahill while Terry was so unable to deal with Aguero that he was subbed, for the first time in 177 games, at half time for Zouma in a last ditch attempt to add some speed to the backline.

Right from the start City just flew at Chelsea with near reckless abandon but never exposed themselves. Kolorov and Sagna by-passed the Chelsea midfield almost as if it didn't exist while Silva and Toure, both of who collected all the assists, pegged straight through the centre with no real resistance. The first goal was signposted long before it came, Toure blitzing through midfield and fed Aguero who was given entirely far too much time, with three defenders around him, in the box to turn and sweep home with his left foot. Chelsea weren't much better after the interval and they conceded a second from a standard corner. Kompany out-muscling Ivanovic to glance home. City's total control was beginning to show, Chelsea were epitomised by the figure of Costa frustrated at being in Mangala's pocket the whole match, and when Fernandinho capped his stunning MOTM performance with an equally stunning strike in the 85^th minute Chelsea were just about ready to lie down and die.

Liverpool Vs Bournemouth: Here are the new rules.....same as the old rules.....

If Bournemouth had harboured any aspirations of taking a big team scalp they won't get much of a better opportunity here. Liverpool are still in transition and lack fluidity but given that Rodgers picked the exact same squad that played Stoke it's obvious what his preferred lineup is. That lack of cohesion nearly cost them, and really should've, inside the first ten minutes. Ritchie had a serious amount of success down the flank and his corner was perfectly delivered for Elphick to jump and head home. The goal was harshly judged to be a foul on Lovren, when he'd done little more than lean on him. It proved to be a turning point of sorts for the match and Liverpool steamed forward whilst simultaneously killing off Bournemouth's own counter-attacks. Coutinho was, again, Liverpool's main source of attacking threat and invention but it was either sheer dumb luck or incompetence that didn't see him ruled offside for Benteke's goal.

Henderson managed to catch the entire Bournemouth defence on the hop by playing a corner back for Clyne to set him up to cross in from a better angle. Bournemouth sprung the offside trap expertly, catching Coutinho offside who swiped at the ball, the attempt leaving Boruc in no-mans land. Benteke swept in at the back post and converted. Under the new interpretation of the offside rule, Coutinho met all three terms of intent, proximity and impact on the opponent and was the very clearest definition of offside. It's sad that this match was decided by a grey interpretation of a rule that was specifically designed to have no grey area. Yet the goal stood and the match ended in a flurry of activity for both teams with Benteke hitting the post and Coutinho seeing some good chances spurned or blocked and the final whistle brought relief and three welcome points and some controversy.