So the the
season has kicked itself off with, depending on whom you support,
either a bang or a groan followed by a firm slap to the groin. It was
a curious weekend in which the Premier league seemed to collectively
attempt to convince all and sundry that it really is the best league
in the world by throwing up a series of results so odd that you could
stick a fence around it and charge yokels two bob to stare at them
through a small hole.
Or was it?
For all the guff about the PL being the most "Competitive"
league in the world (In football the words competitive and
unpredictable are synonymous) were the bizarre series of events that
occurred last weekend really all that bizarre? Let's crack open the
skull of the weekends action and feast on the goo inside:
Man
U Vs Sp*rs: An offense to paint drying
On
the surface this game promised just so many goals; two teams sans
their first-string world-class goalkeepers, coupled with some
hilarious defensive records (Spurs shipped more goals than all bar
four teams last season and United have a new look defence and what
looks like the most determined pitch invader ever in goal) in fact,
United did not have three
fucking goalkeepers available over the weekend (De gea, Lindgaard and
Valdes) naturally all of this pointed to a goal-fest; which is the
exact opposite of what actually transpired. Both teams slogged around
the pitch for an absolutely rancid 90 minutes. At least Van Gaal had
the balls to say that they were lucky to win that day.
But were they? It's not the first time United have won a game without
registering a single shot on target, they did it against Arsenal two
seasons ago. Maybe the luck he talks about is that, whenever they
play badly, they're confronted with an opposition seeking to play
even worse. United looked like a team of total strangers and ,while
I've no doubt that Rooney would've put that ball away before he was
expertly dispossessed by Walker who tucked it bottom corner, their
lack of any cohesion on any part of the pitch was truly awful.
As for Spurs this game can only be considered a wasted opportunity.
With United in such a shambles, even a mediocre display would've at
least seen them a point but Spurs succeeded in only shooting
themselves in the foot with Walker being the biggest culprit, own
goal not withstanding. He can certainly forget any chance of ever
pulling on an England jersey if this is how he continues. As Roy
Keane once put it: “It was a typical Spurs performance, they always
let you down”
Villa
vs Bournemouth: Happy to be there Vs Lucky to be there
Or maybe that should be “Won't be here next season Vs Won't be here
either”. This match really didn't add up to much on paper and
didn't disappoint in reality, at least on that “This is going to be
garbage” front. Villa have to effectively build to new spine to
their team following the loss of their two best players and
Bournemouth have to wonder if having Artur Boruc as your most
experienced premier league player is going to keep them up. But for
the most part, Bournemouth held their own and were solid. Whether
that's due to them playing well or Villa simply being shit is another
question to ponder.
For the most part Bournemouth performed just as well as the 'Plucky
Underdog' label they'll be saddled with this season will allow them.
They rightly deserved a point as they were the most active team and,
even though they never really looked like scoring, can feel hard done
by with the rocket header that put them one down against a listless
Villa team. Westwood's delivery wasn't that good but Gestede took the
header exceptionally well considering he had to leap into the upper
atmosphere to get to it. He'll be their one bright spark this year in
the midst of a season filled with plodding draws and outright
trouncings. They can celebrate three points but, if they play like
this against any other team, they're boned.
Everton Vs Watford: Martinez's season of pain begins
Only
Everton could still consider it a good match when they get booed off
at half time and get given a standing ovation at full-time. Despite
Watford playing with a level of togetherness that belies the rag-tag
nature of their team (Watford's team had 11 different nationalities,
the full squad has 16) Everton really shouldn't have had this hard a
time against them. Fielding a near full-strength team (Baines is out
while they assess an ankle injury he picked up blocking a ball in
training and may need surgery) They went behind after 14 minutes and
didn't look at all like scoring until Barkley ripped off a
thunderbolt of a shot on the 76th..
They look remarkably toothless considering the team is so
attack-minded and the fact that their two goals came from unlikely
sources should not be lost on Martinez, Barkley only scored twice
last season and Kone only scored once in the last two.
There's lots to be worried about for Everton there's an immense
amount of room to improve and Tom Cleverly on a free just isn't going
to cut it, especially in defence. Jagelka's clearance from a standard
cross went no further than a Wheezy ant with a lung infection and
Layun (who with only 15 starts for Watford can consider himself a
team veteran) rifled home. Stones, too, was comically bad for a
player that's having 30 million pound bids tabled for him. Ighalo's
dummy wasn't that good, Stones bought it hook, line and sinker before
slotting past Howard.
Everton need to be better than this, given that eight of the next
nine games are against last seasons top ten, this could be the season
that sees Martinez being shown the door that loomed so big last
season.
Leicester
Vs Sunderland: What is dead may never die....... but it's fun trying
How the fuck did Sunderland make it last season? In an escape last
season that had Harry Houdini spinning in his grave so much that we
could wrap his body in copper wire and use him as an alternate source
of power, Sunderland have decided that the old phrase “Those who
don't learn form History are doomed to repeat it” was a load of
bollocks and picked up right where they left off last season by
switching off completely, conceding a rake load of goals, and then
trying to scramble back desperately. Leicester also picked up from
last season, playing with an energy and buzz that would make them a
match for most in the league and the only reason they weren't six up
at half time could be that they believed they had fallen asleep
playing FIFA the night before and were dreaming a defence this bad.
Defoe and Fletcher were the only sources of goals and pride in this
Sunderland team and if that statement alone doesn't make them
relegation certainties I don't know what will. The entire team was
just awful and it was epitomised by Cattermole being subbed off after
half an hour. Just think about that, it took him 30 minutes in the
first game of the season to convince his manager he's that shit.
Cattermole has been eternally on the cusp of being put out of his
misery and his performance today should see him taken out behind the
barn, that his replacement scored the second goal should hopefully
load the gun.
Norwich
Vs Crystal Palace: Pards is back, bitches.................#KissMyFace
Again another match that didn't promise much on paper but certainly
delivered some thrills in the form of a dubious ref decision and four
goals. Palace certainly look like a consolidated force but, while
they were on form, they cannot depend on the type of lacklustre
marking Norwich employed to crop up every match. While an argument
could have been made for Zaha's cracking volley, there is no doubt
that the Watford defence were probably still in the dressing room for
Delaney's goal.
The
dubious decision was that Cameron Jerome's tasty overhead kick finish
was judged to be dangerous play despite the fact that the 'fouled'
player, Ward, not only wasn't contesting the ball at the time but
wasn't even facing it. The ref duly ruled the goal disallowed. Even
Pardew agreed afterwards that the goal should've stood. This was an
end-to-end match and many tuned in just to see how Cabaye fared in
the Premier league. Given he swept home a goal like a boss despite a
year out playing in the kiddies sandpit of Football that is Ligue 1
it's not surprising to hear how he needs about six or seven games to
get back to his best.............and if he does, expect Palace to
finish higher than tenth this season. The eagles have landed.......
Chelsea
Vs Swansea: It's going to be tough to move the bus with the medics
under it.....
Now we're fucking talking. After the crushing disappointment that was
United Vs Spurs compounded with further crushing disappointment that
the only other match being shown was the Villa one, we're now going
to get a game. This one promised to be a slugfest between two shower
of bastards that steadily refuse to give in. In Swansea we have Monk
and his disciples, honed in the fine art of killing a match dead
until the opposition have slipped into a narcoleptic coma and, in
Chelsea, the man and the team that wrote the book on boredom as a
method of victory. However, both teams needed to go for it as the
usual tactic of sitting on the ground sucking your thumb wasn't going
to cut it this early into the season, they both needed a win to kick
off.
And what a match we got. In particular Swansea were brilliant. I like
seeing how Gomis has grown into being the main man when, prior to
Bony pissing off to City, he looked like he'd rather cut his dick off
with a rusty breadknife than lead the line for Swansea. Now he looks
born to do it. Every time he moved the near mythically good Chelsea
defence shat themselves trying to cover him. Ivanovic had a torrid
time trying to contain the potential rising star that is the
fantastically named Jefferson Montero. He simply couldn't get near
him the whole game. Methinks the bid for Rahman has an end game of
sticking Cesar into his favoured right back position.
Oscar opened the scoring with one of those “Fools literally
everyone before curling into the net” free-kicks. Swansea responded
in style when Montero chewed up Ivanovic and spat him out while
crossing perfectly for Gomis to head, Courtois saved excellently and
Ayew picked up the re-bound before cracking home to level the score.
Chelsea re-took the lead from a heavily deflected Willian shot and
Swansea kept coming and got their second from a Gomis penalty after
Courtois took him out when a beautiful chipped through-ball from
Shelvey left him one-on-one. The Belgian cleared him out Stoke-style
and was sent packing. Now, Jose needed a scapegoat.... and two duly
arrived in the form of his own medical staff attempting to do their
jobs towards the end of the match.
Arsenal
Vs West Ham: AFC- Providing that WTF moment since 2012
It was all going so well, Great pre-season? Check. Beat Chelsea? Cech
(sorry,couldn't resist) Injury free squad? Mostly Check. The first
game promised an abundance of attacking riches to be meted out on the
poor unfortunate London Morlocks of West Ham. Not so. Arsenal were
blunt and confused in attack, Giroud was attempting to cross in from
the left wing on occasions for fucks sake, to listless in midfield
and clueless in defence, Arsenal hit the trifecta of shoddy play
against a solid Hammers team determined to never again be sucked into
the Europa League against their will due to fair play. They managed
to get both their CB's and their main CM booked inside the first
twenty minutes. In the face of this obvious weakness Arsenal instead
retreated into their own shells rather than take the game on and it
just all fell apart from there. Cech had a game so poor you'd swear
he'd been an Arsenal keeper all along, diving into no-mans land for
the first and just not diving for the second. The only positive from
this game is that it seems Oxlade-Chamberlain has finally discovered
the player he can be, at one point he ran the ball past at least
seven Hammers only for no-one to be in the box for his cross.
Ozil
was played off the pitch by Reese Oxford, the only Premier player who
will have to travel to overseas games on his mother's passport. The
defence still
don't know how to defend from set-pieces and the movement and energy
was so bad that a clearly gassed Alexis was thrown on with Walcott as
Arsenal reverted to a flat back three to chase down the game.
It's unfortunate that most of the focus will be on how badly Arsenal
played which will overshadow the praise West Ham deserve. Zarate,
Kayote and Payet were all excellent and seem to be the attacking
triumvirate that Bilic is basing this teams hard-boiled, attacking
philosophy around. There'll not be an FF team in the land that
doesn't have at least two of those by the end of the month if they
continue on playing like that. Maybe this Bilic guy does know what
he's doing.........
Newcastle
Vs Southampton: Return of the Mc
Southampton managed to avoid being picked clean this season again and
can so claim to having something resembling a settled team for the
first time in a while and Newcastle have recruited Steve McClaren and
can so claim to having a settled manager for the first time in a
while. This match was a good view of how both teams will attempt to
start this new season and it looks to be a promising albeit spotted
start. Newcastle have some slick attacking players in Wijnaldum and a
reliable defender in Mbemba (who'd showed up dressed for a James bond
audition not a PL match..... don't hate the playa, hate the game).
Too bad their other defenders looked unconvincing, Coloccini
especially, and Mitrovic looked like a man who badly needs an anger
management counsellor.
Lucky not to be sent packing seconds after getting off the bench by
taking Targett's name too literally and launching into him with
tackle that could only be charitably described as “blood-curdling”
he compounded it by elbowing Yoshida in the face. Newcastle, however,
were stretching the Soton defence to the limit when Obertan flew in
an excellent cross for Wijnaldum to head top corner to crown his MOTM
performance. Cisse took Newcastle ahead again and it really seemed
like they would do it until Janmaat performed a vanishing act to
allow Shane long in to power home the equaliser fifteen minutes from
time.
Stoke
Vs Liverpool: The Revengence
The hype job on this game was something else. Returning to the scene
after a 6-1 trouncing Liverpool were without their talismanic
midfielder and DJ upper-cutter Stevie G and their potential talisman
in Sterling who pissed off to City. Even after using the money to buy
a centre-forward who specialises in the air even though they're not a
crossing team and splurging 30 million on some unknown Brazilian who
was started on the bench, Liverpool could at least expect to do
better than last time against a strong Stoke team who, despite having
added real talent in Afellay, are still badly without a spine.
Reliance on Charlie Adam and Glenn Whelan (Two men who look like they
would be genuinely confused by their own reflection) was always
asking for trouble.
In fact, it was a lack of closing down from Footballs' Mr and Mrs
Potato head which led to the goal, even though they could be mildly
forgiven for thinking that there was no way Coutinho (even with his
track record in the distance department) was going to do what he did.
It surprises me that Liverpool are so eager to buy in new talent to
become stars when they've had one in the making for years with
Coutinho. Maybe it's the nerves that, if the team were built around
him and he exploded, he'd just sod off to City or Spain. For all it's
hype, however, this game delivered an expected match between two
teams in flux. Liverpool are still to work how to play in Benteke,
Johnson proved just how useless he is by putting over from about ten
yards out. Pointing out individual players though seems a little cruel
in a match that was this mind-numbing, plodding towards a
point apiece until Coutinho decided “Fuck bitches, get money”,
accelerated through the middle and thumped home the winner.
Man
City Vs West Brom: MY LAZARS ARE WORKING AGAIN!! NYAHH!!
Whilst
reading into the league after first game is a recipe for disaster,
City have firmly ensconced themselves as the title favourites by
simply being the only big team that didn't suck ass over the week.
They also look like the only team that has improved from the top tier
despite Aguero not being entirely match fit, which is a worrying
prospect for the other title teams. City are now no longer dependant
on the status of Sergio Aguero's hamstrings, it's official. Almost to
a man City were fantastic, Silva in particular, and the relative ease
at which they carved open the Brommie defence was startling. Were it
not for Myhill putting in one of those games the scoreline would have
been humiliating, his one-handed save after a mazy Sterling run,
which the Brommie players were so mesmerised by I half expected them
to start fucking clapping, was the high point of a fine performance.
Yet, next week, city will not find opponents this accommodating.
While the first goal was a dribbly mess of deflections, the second
was practically asked for. Giving Toure that much space 20 yards out
on his right foot is ludicrous and it was no surprise when he
plastered the ball into the top right corner. West brom were in
damage limitation mode after that and when Kompany added the third
the whole Brommie team resembles an 11 part picture of deflation,
they just wanted it to be over. Make no mistake though, should City
add De Bruyne to their ranks, only the most hardened, delusional
fanboy would look past them lifting the title come the end.
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