Gameweek 3: Run, Score, Offside, Repeat..................

So a third gameweek has lurched out of view, leaving nothing but a trail of hangovers, ripped up betting slips and Fantasy Football managers tears in it's wake. It was a week in which the term “too early to tell” really started to get over-used (I'm even going to use it once or twice below) and some teams put their foot down and others put their foot in their mouths. And all before a mouth-watering Monday night clash between two big teams neither of which is performing to any kind of previous standard. Excellent, business as usual in the Premier League then, eh?:

Man U Vs Newcastle: Looks like 230 million can't buy you teeth........

After a stuttering start to the season in which United have managed to play themselves out of title contention this was the game to really kick up the fires especially in their main man, Rooney. In fact United's performance to date have been so abject that despite not losing a game nor conceding a single goal (in the league) so far they're still considered a team in turmoil None of that changed today. Actually Newcastle will join Spurs and Villa on the list of teams who really had United on the ropes yet failed to pull the trigger to finish off a team that really was there for the taking. While Van Gaal's focus on defence has borne some fruits on the discovery of a superb CB pairing of Blind and Smalling, it's his near total neglect of his clearly misfiring forward options that's causing major upset. Bar Walker's expertly taken opening weekend own-goal, United have scored only one goal in the league to date. And even that was a bad deflection....

Yet this match did not start off as bad as the end seemed, United were all over Newcastle in the first twenty minutes. They racked up more shots on target in that first twenty minutes then they've managed in their last two league games combined (although counting the Spurs game, with its grand total of zero shots on target is somewhat disingenuous). However once Newcastle weathered that storm they began to assert themselves on the match and really put United under the cosh. Mitrovic, who somehow got through the game without attempting to maim someone, was a constant menace and nearly snatched the game with a glancing header off the crossbar. Perez and Wijnaldum were excellent and Krul was a wall in goal, not letting any of the early United blitz faze him. Van Gaal may yet rue allowing Van Persie to go if his teams' finishing remains as blunt as it is. Not paying for Falcao was obvious (not even Woodward is THAT stupid) but it remains to be seen if Van Gaal's five “Strikers”, Rooney, Januzaj, Fellaini, Wilson and Hernandez (so that's two borderline youth players, a defensive mid, a perennial bench-player and Shrek the third), can produce the goals. But on this evidence, they really can't. United play a free-wheeling Swansea side next and they'll be needing those goals.......

Palace Vs Villa: Pards pisses on the fruit cart........slaaags

In this match we have two teams who both won their opening game, both coming off narrow losses to bigger teams and who both need a win to resume a campaign for mid-table. Although of the two teams here Palace look for more likely to rise up and challenge at least for a Europa league spot. Although if you'd walked away at half time you'd never have thought that. Palace were mauled in the opening half, the midfield ruled by a returning Grealish and it looked like the Villa team had finally gelled into the working unit that Sherwood has always wanted. Villa were dominant in the first half and for the first part of the second and can feel hard done by that they were the first to concede a goal. Dann leaping like gazelle to meet Puncheon's well taken corner and thudding the header into the net. While the accusations are that he was climbing all over his marker, he was never challenged in the slightest for the ball.

Villa struck back with Traore producing a marvelous piece of skill that will unfortunately go down as a Souare own goal. He lit up the pitch with a fantastic performance and his really should've been the last piece of serious action when, in the 87^th minute, Amavi, for some reason probably not even known to himself, passed a ball straight to Dann who turned provider this time and fed Sako who unleashed a cracking left foot finish to seal the deal on the three points. For Palace this match will be a welcome respite (and three points) and their performance highlighted their strength in central midfield now with Cabaye, McArthur, Jedinak and Ledley. Keeping four good central midfielders happy when they can't all start is a way nicer problem than they usually have at Palace and they were rampant in the final half hour, a performance they'll need to keep as they play Chelsea next. For Villa, this match has shown that the team Sherwood has built, while talented, still need time to come together before the whole becomes more than just the sum of its parts and they've a decent shot at another three points when they play Sunderland next week however, seen as how well most other teams have gelled, time may be shorter than they think...

Leicester Vs Spurs: Holding on is really just as important as getting there.......

Throughout this match one over-riding fact was made abundantly clear; Spurs are far too reliant on too few players, namely Kane, Erikson and Lloris. While two of those three were playing today only one was on form and it wasn't the guy up front. Kane has looked completely wrecked in the last few matches and while it's true the service to him has been. at best, spotty it's also true he's been a shadow of his gun-slinging former self. It's no wonder Spurs are desperate to sign another striker, with Berahino top of the list. Luckily for Spurs, Leicester were also as lethargic (a fact blamed on the unusual heat) and while Ranieri will probably never lose his “Tinkerman” label (he fielded the same team now in the last three matches) it's imperative for him to ensure his team never loses that high-energy buzz they've made their own this season. Oh how they really could've used that energy.

While Leicester were making some headway via Albrighton and their new star Mahrez, both were repelled by a solid Spurs defence with ease. But past that, Spurs were turgid and Leicester not much better. Although the crowning question in any Spurs fans minds must be: “What sort of dirt does Lamela have on Potts?”. Lamela has been anonymous so far in the season and he excelled himself here with a display of such baffling mediocrity it beggars belief how he gets in ahead of Lennon. At times it seemed as if Spurs might be better off fielding a baby giraffe. It'd be cheaper to feed too. Maybe the main problem Spurs have is that having a higher staff turnover than McDonald's might not be that conductive to team cohesion. Although they may have unearthed a fine young talent in Alli, whose goal owed more to slack defending than good positioning. And Spurs just switched off completely at the restart and Leicester equalised inside of 25 seconds. They surged forward from the kick-off and Vardy's knock down was fired past a helpless Lloris by Mahrez. With blood in the water Leicester went in for the kill and the match suddenly came to life with Spurs clinging on for dear life, with Lloris again saving their bacon with a fine close range save from Morgan to secure the point. While Leicester can revel in a never-say-die attitude, Spurs host Everton and another display like this will see the toffees racking up a cricket score.

Norwich Vs Stoke: Tale of two cities...........

The match of two City teams promised to be a real test of two teams with two vastly differing approaches to their current campaign. Stoke have focused on buying in and re-honing an array of exotic cast-off players looking to re-discover themselves in the Premier league, a bit like a bunch of Italian fresco artists showing up to paint your drywall. Hughes' project to turn Stoke into a Barca-lite continues with the bizarre signing of Shaqiri from Inter Milan. The sight of him in a Stoke jersey will never seem normal I reckon. Here, in his first start, he was deployed out on the right alongside Arnautovic and Afelley behind lone striker Diouf. It's a potent combination and, with Ireland having recovered his form, Joselu and Bojan, one with some depth and options. Norwich, on the other hand, have focused on bolstering an already set team with a strong work ethic and a fast-passing, high-energy motto. All new recruits have been carefully selected to conform to that ethos and it's paid off to quite a high degree. They've started the league in good form (opening week loss notwithstanding) and are not looking like the relegation certainties that most newly-promoted teams do.

This match will not be source of too much confidence to Norwich's playing ability but will boost their attitude that they actually belong in the Premier league. They were on the back foot for most of the game and still managed to pull it out in the end and Stoke's new addition of an immense amount of skill and finesse to their uniquely physical (one would say near, psychotic) robust play looks like a gamble that may just pay off.....

Sunderland Vs Swansea: Always fear the walking Dead..............

While Stoke will never shake the “Zombie horde” moniker, despite the fact their team now contains more champions league winners than City, United and Arsenal combined, you'd be hard pressed to find a more suitable analogy for the current shambling horde that is the current Sunderland team. Slack in defence, lazy in midfield and slow in attack, their two shining lights are goalkeeper Costel Pantillimon (a sort of friendly Romanian Slenderman) and the age-defying Jermaine Defoe who is proof, if any were needed, that while a striker can lose their pace, endurance and strength as long as they don't lose their ability to finish they'll always have a job. So awful has their start to the season been that their crowning achievement is that have already been earmarked as favourites for relegation by none other than their own sponsors, DafaBet.

Swansea arrived in fine form, having put the shits up Chelsea in the opening weekend and crushing Newcastle the next, this was to be the proverbial “Candy form a baby” scenario, with a chance of meting out a record stomping in the process. In true Premier league style, however, it was not to be. Inspired by their rabid home fans (40,00 showed up, seriously those guys deserve medals) the Sunderland team discovered the fight and grit that seemed to have already been beaten out of them. Swansea played quite reticently, possibly cowed by the sheer noise of the home crowd or by the string of just unbelievable saves pulled off by Pantillimon, and were a shadow of the team that chewed it's way through Chelsea two weeks ago. When Swansea took the lead courtesy of a sublime Gomis finish from Naughton's cross the heads could've gone down but, instead, Sunderland put their heads down and eventually equalised through Defoe, latching onto a wonderful through-ball from Lens, to secure the point. For Sunderland this welcome point comes with a warning that this season is going to be hard slog after hard slog. For Swansea, they've received a lesson that, in the Premier league, absolutely nothing is for certain, least of all three points.

West Ham Vs Bournemouth: Looks like good DO come to those who wait............

With the Hammers looking to consign their loss to Leicester as a “blip” Bournemouth could be forgiven for showing up looking to park the bus and nick a point. Bilic has the Hammers playing an exciting, attacking, brand of football and they way they cut down Arsenal in the opening weekend will still surely be lurking in the minds of this Bournemouth team as surely as it lurks in the minds of that Arsenal team. If it did, however, it didn't show. Bournemouth turned up to play and fucking play they did. Sticking to the style of play that got them promoted in the first place, Bournemouth swarmed forward with aplomb and were leading after only 11 minutes when Francis shrugged off Cresswell (this would be a recurring theme in this match) and his cut-back pass was battered home by Wilson whose run across Reid wasn't tracked at all. Cresswell went to sleep again for the second, his awful pass letting Wilson in to pilfer his second.

Not that this match was just Bournemouth playing exceptionally well, West Ham helped them out to no end by implement a diamond system so badly that their full-backs, Jenkinson and Cresswell, were left completely isolated and it's no surprise that all of Bournemouth's goals started with movements on or from the flanks. West Ham restored some solidity in the second half and pulled a goal back from a Noble penalty after King stupidly tripped him up in the box and then equalised five minutes later when Kouyate crashed Sakho's palmed shot into the roof of the net. Bournemouth did not stop though and pulled ahead again with the goal of the game as Pugh received the ball on the left, turned Jenkinson inside out, and curled home a truly fantastic goal. Jenkinson then gifted Bournemouth another as he hauled down Gradel in the box to concede the penalty and the red card (Bilic's FIFTH since he started, he really isn't going for the fair play award is he?) Wilson completed his hat-trick and while the Hammers poured the pressure on and pulled one back through Maiga, it was not to be. For the Hammers it seems as if it was their win at Arsenal was the “blip”, and Bournemouth have shown that maybe they do belong in the Premier league after all......

West Brom Vs Chelsea: What happens when two slow-motion car crashes collide?

Poor Tony Pulis, for all his railings against the transfer window leading to the unsettling of his lead striker the fact remains that he could do with some transfer business of his own. Put simply, West Brom looked fucked. Thrashed in the opening weekend and scraping a 0-0 against Watford in the next a good showing, and at least a point, against a seemingly chaotic Chelsea side would be the shot in the arm his side needs so badly. Chelsea too needed a solid performance to show the league that they are not being left behind and while they will look at the three points gained to re-enforce that point, they will not look at this match performance too fondly. The one big bright point for them is that their transfer of Pedro looks to be steal of the century.

It was “Good news-Bad news” for Chelsea with the good news being that Pedro looks to already be on the same wavelength as his team-mates, particularly Hazard, and looks to take the league by storm. His first goal came from a neat one-two with the Belgian and while his shot got lucky with a minor deflection it was well taken and his leading of the counter-attack for the second was inspired. The bad news is that their defence look like an accident waiting to happen and were lucky that Morrison chose today to take the shittest penalty I've ever seen. Matic (who clumsily gave away the penalty) and Fabregas are suffering heavily from early-season sluggishness and it's exposing their centre-backs horribly and I really wonder what Ivanovic has to do get dropped. West Brom sent everything down their left hand side and most of it went straight past him. West Brom pulled one back after Rondon went inspector gadget on one of worst passes I've seen in a while to cut the ball back to a completely unmarked Morrison in the box who drilled home. Chelsea fluked a third when Azpilicueta scuffed a shot through, not one but, two sets of legs to put them 3-1 up at half time. It was a flattering scoreline to say the least. The second half started off slowly enough until the 55^th minute when Brunt's long ball to Rondon caught the entire Chelsea team napping and Terry, with not a chance to catch him, was forced to haul him down and take an early shower. McManaman sent in a wicked cross on the 59^th minute for Morrison to head home and really rack up the tension until the final whistle.

Everton Vs Man City: Protect yourself at all times doesn't just apply to boxing......

City's inexorable march continues and, while Everton certainly posed a much bigger challenge than Chelsea and West Brom combined regardless of what the scoreline says, it looks like it may take something special to derail them now. Everton set up to bring the game to City and Martinez's faith in his youngsters Barkley and Stones was rewarded with excellent performances from each of them. Barkley especially was at the heart of almost everything that Everton did going forward, showing a coolness that belied his age, even when faced with a rampant Toure and Fernandinho in front of him. Indeed he was the first to test Hart and it was his pass that led to Lukaku slotting past Hart only to ruled out for fractional offside. Coleman too was fantastic and, for the most part, held his own against anyone who came near him. While he switched off at a crucial moment which allowed Sterling in, Kolarov should never have scored. Howard was more concerned with berating the linesman than covering his near post.

Howard had a very good game and was tested repeatedly but he again failed to commit for the second City goal. Toure chipped in a neat ball and, with McCarthy ball-watching, it fell to Nasri who should've been cleared out of it by Howard. Instead he was allowed to skip inside and dink the ball over him into the net. While Everton posed a serious threat on the counter-attack it remains to be seen if they can muster enough of a team effort to mount a serious campaign this season. On the evidence of their thrashing of Southampton, they can. On this evidence, they can't. Priority one for Everton seems to be to hold onto the players they've got and hope the poachers get bored and piss off. Performances like this don't help in that regard. They threatened only for a brief time and City more than matched them. Tuesday 6pm cannot come soon enough for Roberto Martinez. For City, they will be looking to finally bring this level of consistency to their Champions league campaign and really see if they can cut it on the big stage.

Watford Vs Southampton: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Wow, for a match with 0-0 fucking signposted all over it they really didn't disappoint. Or they really did, depending on how you look at it. Southampton could've done with ignoring those signs and a win here would've given them a neat boost and three well-needed points. Instead they laboured to a 0-0 result which raised far more questions than it answered, if indeed it answered any to begin with. With Watford the question of why Vydra was not even on the bench for this match looms high when the teams attack peaked in the 9^th minute with a shot from Nyow that nearly went out for a throw and Holebas' shot only making it as far as his own team-mate, Deeney. Vydra was their star last season and Flores' excuse that he's excluding their star striker because he's to deal with 30 players is laughable. Especially in the light of how blunt the teams he's been fielding are. They failed to muster a single shot on target today.

As for Southampton while it seems as if Koeman is taking the Europa league seriously but hasn't struck the right balance yet his decision to leave Tadic on the bench the entire game was baffling. They were devoid of any creativity and could've sorely used his thinking and energy to drive them forward. He fielded four new signings today and Tadic would have glued a lot of the play together nicely to provide more fodder for the isolated Shane Long up front. With a flat back-three and the wing-backs to provide the width, his team looked like they'd never played before and didn't want to start now. Southampton host the high-octane Norwich (my god, how weird that sounds) next week and will want to get out of this funk or they'll be run over. Watford have Man City next and.....well......they'll at least have the best view of the goals from the pitch.....that's something right?

Liverpool Vs Arsenal: What the fuck was THAT?!!?!?!?

“No, seriously, what the fuck just happened?” That was the question I got asked most frequently in the aftermath of quite possibly the most insane 0-0 in Premier League history. In a game between a supposed title contender and a supposed top-four contender both teams managed to fail miserably in living up to either aspiration and yet still delivered a thrilling engagement. Neither team will look back on this game with too much fondness; Arsenal because it shows they aren't improving and have lost the attacking fluidity that made them so feared, Liverpool because another solid performance will, once again, be overshadowed by them being helped out by another daft linesman.

Arsenal once again have to deal with defensive frailty issues. Arsenal have gone quite silent in-between matches and the reason this week was because both centre-backs were unavailable, leaving the duties to Chambers and Gabriel. How Rodgers would've loved a day or two's notice to drill his team to just batter down the centre had he known this in advance. The weakness in central defence was shown up by Chambers having an absolute mare of a first half (although he had a much better second) and was not helped by Cazorla neglecting his defensive duties leaving Coquelin alone to deal with both Coutihno and Milner. Had he more than just half a season of top-flight football under his belt he may have had a better time of it but, as it was, he was just pulled apart. The one light from this match is that Arsenal will no longer be getting shit over Petr Cech. He was immense in goal, pulling off world-class saves like a fucking boss and showing everyone that he's still got it. Up the other end, Mignolet pulled off few great saves of his own to deny Giroud whilst doing his best Neuer impression. Liverpool, despite missing both Henderson and Lallana, actually looked more balanced today than ever and played much better despite having a bad linesman call get them out of jail. They play West Ham next and will be looking to continue this fine play by taking those three points before the interlull kicks in. Arsenal have Newcastle next and the sense is that nothing less than a thumping, emphatic win will do to restore the credibility to a title chase that's gone massively awry.