Gameweek 10: Tales from the car bonnet...............

Apologies for the delay in bringing you last weekends round-up as I've been resting up since someone decided to try and spread me all over their car bonnet like some kind of sexy nutella.....So another weekend, another manager sacked. As much as I quite enjoyed Sherwood's "barrow boy, apples-an-pears" shtick, it was clearly obvious he was one of three things majorly wrong at Villa and they are: The board, The manager and the players. In a three-way tussle between those forces there's only ever going to be one contender for who gets the boot first. So poor Tim has to sling his hook, and now Villa are targeting a former Gunner in Garde to take over. Whoever arrives at Villa however will have one remit and one only; keep them in the Premier league. Whether or not the player are up to the task, or if the board are willing to fork out for some that are, is another question entirely. So without further delay............This weeks car-crash action!

Aston Villa Vs Swansea: Our Tim has slagged his last..........for now.......

Much was made of how precarious Sherwood's position was before this game and how long he'd have left afterwards if he were to lose. Turns out the answer was only a few hours. It's quite fitting to layered mess that is Villa that their fate was sealed by a goal from the brother of their only goalscorer today. Yet both will be heading in markedly different direction I reckon. One point from nine games is relegation form, even this early in the season, and with Newcastle's loss in the Tyne-Wear derby; Villa are now rock bottom. Although for all the guff being spouted about the board being a shower of incompetent bastards (they are) and the players having almost no drive or sense of urgency (they don't) Sherwood does have to shoulder his own share of the blame today. He fielded only one central midfielder (despite having four to choose from) and still seemed like he'd no real idea what he wanted his team to do, other than win. Cruelly, it almost got what he wanted. Swansea were awful in the first half and gifted possession away so many times it beggared belief. It has been over-looked, in the aftermath of Sherwood's sacking, that Monk needed a win as badly as his opposing manager did. Swansea have been in dire form recently and started today off no differently.

This game was the very definition of a slow burner and the first half saw barely any action outside of some wasted free-kicks, some argy bargy and Fernandez blazing over from six yards out. Villa seemed to be on top and slowly imposing themselves on the game when, in the 62^nd minute, Gomis ran down the inside-right channel and squared for Ayew to fire home. His shot was brilliantly read by Guzan and he saved it well. The rebound led to Grealish picking the ball up and running most of the pitch to release Agbonlahor who clipped over a cross, of such skill it probably surprised himself more than anyone, for Ayew to head in and take the lead. To say that Villa Park erupted would be giving tectonic plates too much credit. The relief would last for only six minutes. A Swansea attack that was really going nowhere fast led to Sigurdsson being bundled over stupidly 25 yards out. He stepped up to the plate himself and curled in a stunning free-kick top corner. Swansea were spurred on by this, having gone one down after playing some of their worst football ever, they now sensed they could grab all three points. On the 87^th they got it. Naughton was given acres of space down the right and his cross was simply watched by the Villa defence as Ayew (the younger one) stole a yard on his marker, slid in and tapped home for the win. For Villa they've a scant few days to pick themselves up from this, with new manager, and hope to produce something at Spurs next week. Swansea, in the meantime, will hope that their first half performance is a low point never to be repeated as they host Arsenal next week.

Leicester Vs Crystal Palace: Vardy downs the Eagles to keep Leicester flying high.....

Two things can be taken from this game: Leicester seemed to finally learned how to win without conceding first and Vardy's “Roy of the rovers” impression shows no signs of stopping. Such was Leicester propensity for conceding that Ranieri promised to take the team out for pizza if they kept a clean sheet. If all it takes is the promise of free pizza to get players fired up for a clean sheet expect the BMI's of every player in the league to sky-rocket. Leicester's first clean sheet was helped by some uncharacteristic play from Palace. Normally an attacking team they sat back for vast portions of the game which allowed Leicester to steal a march on them. The Palace away form has been something of a hallmark of this season (they're second only to Arsenal in that regard) and it was thought that they would strike first and often and build the momentum needed to deny any chance of the fabled Leicester fightback from having any later impact. Instead they seemed to be employing some sort of counter-attack system which really didn't work at all as they stood off rather than pressed.

The game certainly started out proving this as Albrighton managed to confound most of the Palace defence by simply not crossing when everyone expected him to. His shot ricocheted off the post at a tricky angle and Mahrez was unable to steer his first time shot on-target. The entire Palace back-end was nowhere to be seen for any of that and Hennessey stood totally still. Precious little else happened in the first half bar a well-worked Cabaye shot that was straight at Schmeichel. Other than that, both keepers could've taken the first half off there was so little going on. Palace attempted to inject a little pace into their game by subbing on Bamford for Campbell in the second half but the game never looked like getting started until Hangeland made his mistake on the 59^th. Dann was under no pressure when he calmly headed towards his team-mate. His team-mate responded like a deer caught in some headlights and his half-arsed clearance reached only Mahrez who spotted Vardy's run and threaded the ball through. Vardy held the ball well, with a defender on his back, ghosted past Henessey's awful challenge and rifled it into the roof of the net. Leicester then sat back and defended deep for the remainder of the match. Sako had a great curling shot well saved, Bamford had a header excellently cleared off the line and Zaha was booked for diving in a hectic final third that saw Leicester defend like their lives, not just pizza, depended on it. They will hoping to take their new-found defensive nous to West Brom next week and there's a high chance they'll continue it given the attacking form of the Baggies. Palace host Man United and will hope to play a good deal better than they did today.

Norwich vs West Brom: Brommie defence bail them out once again.........

Bouncing back from a 6-2 drubbing isn't always the easiest thing to do. Least of all when your next team is one that's been picking up clean sheets left, right and centre this season. The good news for Norwich was that it's the West Brom attack that haven't exactly been setting the world alight, having only managed eight goals so far, and that meant they would surely avoid conceding in the manner they did last week. A nice 0-0 or 1-0 smash-and-grab victory was just what Norwich needed but, instead, Alex Neil now has to contend with losing three on the trot for the first time in his career. The most likely culprit for this is, unfortunately, Neil himself. His attacking ideals are well-meaning and welcome but his naïvety in being unable to switch or shift tactics to suit play are really starting to cost his team. Sending cross after cross into a towering and well-marshalled defence, managed by Tony Pulis no less, was never going to pay dividends and his inability to alter his sides approach was their main downfall here.

The game did start more openly than it would eventually end. Both sides had good opportunities, both from distance, as Brunt sent a thumping shot that Ruddy palmed away at full stretch while, up the other end, Redmond fired on-target from a tight angle that need a strong hand from Myhill to turn away. Best chance of the half fell to Rondon as Dawson, after another unbelievable passing free-kick sequence, drilled a low cross across the six yard box. It only needed a tap to go in and Rondon was only an inch away. Dawson later managed to head the ball down so hard from a corner that it bounced over the bar. The deadlock was broken one minute into the second half when Rondon, after missing a succession of headers so far in the game, got onto the end of a perfect cross from McClean and made no mistake from seven yards out. Brunt came close a while later with another long-range effort that needed a good save from Ruddy. Bassong headed over a great opportunity in the last moments of the game and that was about as close as Norwich ever got. West Brom host Leicester and will hope their defensive style hold up against their far superior attack. Norwich travel to Man City next week in a game you reckon can only go one way.

Stoke Vs Watford: Hornets sting as the Walking dead falter............

Two teams with quite differing fortunes clash today as Stoke are on the back of winning three in a row and Watford arrive on the back of a three nil drubbing at Arsenal. With Watford having scored the least amount of goals of any team in the league it was thought that they would struggle with the new possession based game Stoke have began to play. Stoke clearly hoped to get the ball and make Watford work for every inch and gradually pass them in submission right from the start. Losing Cameron inside the first nine minutes to a thigh strain wasn't the best way to start that. That he strained it in a tussle with Deeney in the box was a portend for the future of this match as Stoke struggled to cope with any pressure that Watford pressed on them. Watford are one of the few teams that field a front two and it looks like it'll be paying off sooner rather than later. Ighalo and Deeney look to have built up the level of understanding required for a strike partnership and Watford are now just waiting for the goals to flow. They had to wait 43 minutes for Deeney to notch up his first.

After Arnautovic was tee'd up perfectly for a header by Shaqiri on the 29^th minute Watford began to accept the fact that Stoke were going to have the majority of the possession and simply allowed it to happen in order to exploit the gaps that opened up whenever Stoke lost the ball. A good flowing move from this resulted in Oghalo hitting the bar from a cross by Anya after winning the ball in midfield. The ball rebounded to Ighalo who recovered the ball and fed it to Abdi who got his knickers in a twist and could only shuffle the ball to his left as far as Deeney who hit the bar also despite being around eight yards out with almost no pressure on him. Then the 44^th minute ticked around and Adbi, out on the left, worked it well to Ighalo who fed Deeney with a neat little flick and Deeney finished it bottom right from just inside the edge of the box. The second came on the cusp of the 70^th minute when Ighalo dispossessed Wilson after some blind stupidity from Wilson and fed Adbi who smashed the ball home from the edge of the box. Stoke continued to display the absolute worst of their “Jekyll and Hyde” style game by playing some of the shittest football they've ever played and they were fortunate that it only ended 2-0. Stoke will hope that they shape up again for the arrival of Newcastle next week and their mid-week game against Chelsea in the league Cup. Watford have the travel-happy Hammers next and they'll be lucky to escape with a point on how well West Ham are playing.

West Ham Vs Chelsea: The Hammers pile in on Chelsea's misery..............

Much will be made of Chelsea's self destruct here that it will take the gloss off what was a fine West Ham performance. Not that any Hammers fans will give a shit. To them, the taunting of Chelsea and Jose simply add more spice to a dish that has gotten progressively more tasty as the season has gone on. Their win here elevates them to third, on goal difference, level with Man United. For all the complaining Chelsea will do post this match it will not hide the fact that they were the architects of their own downfall, here as much as anywhere else. The traditional stalwart defending has gone, replaced now by a listless apathy that often gifts immense amounts of space or golden chances to opponents. The fast and lithe midfield has been replaced with a bunch of stooges running around with little to no purpose other than trying to apportion blame to one another. The lethal and aggressive strikers have been replaced with sycophantic divers, one minute hard and unflappable, the next, soft and rolling around in agony. This isn't just any team implosion, this is a Chelsea team implosion....

The first goal was a trademark of this new Chelsea. Fabregas, operating in an advanced position as the exact type of luxury player Mourinho would never have played in the past, left a foot in on Payet after attempting the laziest tackle on record. Payet took the free-kick himself and it required a fine save from Begovic to keep it out. The resultant corner was also taken by Payet, it went straight to Costa who fluffed the clearance as far as Zarate on the edge of the box who whacked it home. For once, this affront seemed to bring about the old Chelsea with Zouma having a header cleared off the line by Lanzini from a corner. West Ham settled into their more comfortable (and more dangerous) counter-attacking stance and nearly went two up twice with a header from Collins requiring another excellent save from Begovic and Lanzini chipping the keeper went one on one. Unfortunately for the Hammers, he managed to chip the entire goal also. The game turned on the 44^th went Costa managed to properly clear a fucking corner this time and his effort resulted in four Chelsea attackers bearing down on two hapless West Ham defenders. Willian ate up the field and slipped Fabregas through on goal and he fired low into the net. The flag was up for offside though and then the new Chelsea “personality” re-asserted itself with some force. Matic was shown a second yellow for tripping Sakho and the Chelsea team went nuts. Terry and Fabregas were both booked for dissent while the assistant coach was sent to the stands for abusing the fourth official. When the second half began, Mourinho watched from the directors box, having been told not to return to the dugout. Yet, still the old Chelsea made one last bid to be known, eleven minutes after the re-start, when Zouma flicked on a corner and Cahill rifled home the equaliser. It was short-lived, however, on the 79^th minute Cresswell slung in a high cross and Carroll (of all the donkeys, I mean, people) headed home from ten yards. Humiliation complete, Chelsea could only slink to the end and back home where, surely a raft of FA charges and fines, so numerous that they might as well set up a direct debit with the FA, await them. They'll need to re-form next, as they host a Liverpool team that has been gaining confidence despite their recent results and will fancy taking Chelsea at Stamford Bridge. West Ham travel to Watford and three points....surely?

Arsenal Vs Everton: Leggy Gunners maintain winning form against lazy Toffees.......

Arsenal are a confidence team it's said. And after beating Bayern 2-0 midweek, it's safe to say confidence was high. Yet, confidence cannot make legs run when there is no energy left to make them do so. Rotation is key to performance in multiple competitions and it is here that many an Arsenal team have stumbled in the past. Maybe it's worth revising that opening sentence, maybe Arsenal are a stability team. A team that requires a set eleven, week-in, week-out to get results. Arsenal seem to attract players that do not lend to much rotation. Give an Arsenal player a game here or there to impress and, chances are, you won't be. Give him ten straight and you'll have someone undroppable. It's a curious thing. For example, Bellerin did not truly shine until Debuchy, who'd been excellent up till that point, got injured. Now he can't be dropped and it's Debuchy who looks shaky every time he's played. Same applies to Coquelin. So surplus to requirements he was shipped out to Charlton and only recalled because there was literally no-one else to do it. Now there is no-one else Arsenal would rather have do it. I think it's safe to say that it's not a confident Arsenal team that is bad to play against, it's a settled one. Yet there is one area Arsenal do have a good rotational option: Strikers. Arsenal are two different shades when Walcott is up front as opposed to his French counterpart. Faster with Walcott, stronger with Giroud. Horses for courses some people say.

Arsenal went with Giroud today from the start with him only having made substitute appearances recently and he put on stellar No.10 performance. With the team behind him weary, he had to work harder to bring his team-mates into the game. It appeared for the most part that Everton were steadily gaining momentum in the match. While not threatening they certainly weren't being put under the usual Arsenal firestorm and it may have been this that led to the lapse in concentration that led to the first goal on the 36^th minute. Ozil, out right, was given far too much space and time on the ball and his delivery, high and looping, for Giroud was perfect. Giroud was much too tall and strong for Jageilka and, with Howard ball-watching, he needed only to jump slightly to guide the ball into the net. Everton still reeling Arsenal knocked home another two minutes later. Cazorla served in from a free-kick on the left and Koscielny had only to run forward to bundle the ball into the net at point-blank range. Everton rallied back and when Barkley, on the stroke of half-time, fired from 30 yards out many could be forgiven for laughing. Not that they'd still be laughing after seeing the speculative shot bounce off Gabriels' shin and loop past Cech. The second half was a whirlwind of activity as Everton pressed and Arsenal replied. Lukaku skimmed the bar after 76 minutes, Flamini decided he was a centre forward and was in the six yard box to head directly at Howard, Ozil hit the post and Barry suffered a rush of blood to the head, cleared out Gibbs and went sent off. Everton will hope that they can muster this second half resolve for a full 90 minutes against Sunderland next week, although they may not need it given how badly Sunderland have been playing. Arsenal will await the possibility of taking revenge on one of last seasons bogey teams when they travel to Swansea next week.

Sunderland Vs Newcastle: The tyne-wear derby gets even more fucking crazy......

The bi-annual tyne-wear derby has always held more of a spectacle than it really should on paper. These are, generally, two teams scrapping either to avoid relegation or for neighbourhood bragging rights. Not ones battling for top four finishes or titles. Yet, such is the animosity between the two, you know you;ll always get a good game, unlike in other derbies I could name.....*cough, cough* Mersyside...*cough, cough*. Yet, despite the fiery nature of past derbies this one took a while to get going, but when it did it really got going! It seemed a meeting of two opposing strategies, McClaren was all about retaining the ball and his team did that with 60% possession by the end whereas Allerdyce is on record as saying “Possession is over-rated sometimes” and his team followed by standing off their opponents to an almost reckless degree. Any notions in any Sunderland fans heads that this was deliberate were quickly doused as it became very obvious that Sunderland were just incapable of challenging for the ball at any point. They were out-manoeuvred, out-passed and out-witted by Newcastle. Yet, for all their movement, Newcastle couldn't really do much but dominate the ball and, in a flash, it all unravelled a minute before half-time.

For all the talk of how it wasn't a clear goal-scoring opportunity as Fletcher was never going to reach Defoe's long ball (he wasn't and would never have even with a five yard head-start) it still remains a puzzle as to why Coloccini felt the need to barge him out of the way. His keeper had the ball covered and Fletcher was, in no way, a goal threat (it IS Fletcher after all). While the tackle was a nothing one anyway, it presented Fletcher with the chance to go down in the box and he took it. It worked and the ref pointed to the spot and brandished a red card for Coloccini. To rub salt into the wounds, it was Johnson who stepped up and slotted home. The second half brought more Newcastle domination, even down to ten men, and they restricted Sunderland to just two shots on target the entire half.................too bad they scored with both of them. Twenty minutes after the re-start M'Vila met a corner with a scuffed volley that Jones swiped home from two yards out that really should've been dealt with long before it ever became an issue. Their misery was compounded four minutes from time when Kaboul picked the ball up from Defoe and chipped a ball that Fletcher could get to. His finish was low, strong and final. Three valuable points and they leap-frog their rivals out of last place too. Sunderland can only hope against hope that Everton are as generous when it comes to goals next week (and with Jageilka injured and Howard playing like a scarecrow it could happen), whereas Newcastle have another daunting match against Stoke to contend with in their race to stay alive.

Bournemouth Vs Spurs: Bournemouth left scrabbling for points as Kane kicks on....

You have to feel sorry for Bournemouth, they played exceptional football to get promoted and then go ahead and lose the entire spine of their team after the first few weeks. It's a balancing act to re-order a team after so many injuries and it's obvious that they haven't gotten it right yet. Although if their keeper could stop, literally, handing goals to their opponents they'll find that task a good deal easier. Boruc had easily one of the worst games I've ever seen a goalkeeper have and it's no good stating that a better defence would've screened him better. Three of the goals resulted directly from handling errors when he was under little to no pressure. It also didn't help that Spurs had one of those games where everything for them just “clicked” and it's fair to say that Kane has been praying for opponents this charitable for months now. Not much has been made of his recent barren spell and it will do him the world of good to notch up a hat-trick, even if it was completely gifted to him. The main hope here is that he'll kick on from this bounty and re-discover the form that made him such a media darling. If every team plays like Bournemouth did today, he'll have 30+ goals before Christmas.............

Yet the match did not start off like this. After a loose start which saw them aimlessly knock the ball around and concede possession, they were one down after fifty seconds. Daniels running down the left flank and crossing for Murray. The ball was a fraction too high but it didn't matter as Spurs had focused entirely on making sure Murray saw none of the ball. When Ritchie ran in behind to gather the cross he was totally un-marked in the box and his left foot shot left Lloris with no chance. The celebrations were short-lived (about seven minutes), however, as Spurs put their foot down and Boruc made himself known. A raking Spurs counter-attack saw Kane released into the box to the wide left of the goal. He was running full-steam just to keep up with the ball and was marked so it really asks the question as to why Boruc felt the need to clear him out the way he did. He didn't even get near the ball. The ref pointed to the spot and Kane himself scored the penalty. Then the game really took off. Nine minutes later a Rose thunderbolt hit the defence and dropped nicely in the box for Dembele. The defence then simply stood and watched him run goalwards and tuck the ball into the bottom left corner. On the half-hour a tame Kane cross flew across the goal for Lamela. Boruc's attempt to catch it was unbelievably bad and he succeeded in only spooning the ball straight to the feet of Lamela. He couldn't miss. The second half continued much like the first one with one half of the Bournemouth team trying score and the other trying to concede. On the 56^th minute, Erikson was given acres to pick his pass and his fast, looping cross for Kane needed only a hint to go past Boruc. Six minutes later Boruc completed his hat-trick of errors by handing Kane his hat-trick. Erikson's corner went straight to Alderweireld and his header was on target. Boruc saved well but still couldn't keep hold of the ball and spilled it straight to Kane who just dinked the ball in for 5-1 and the match ball. Bournemouth now face Southampton and two 5-1 losses in a row will not be good preparation. Spurs now take on a ragged team of misfits formerly known as Aston Villa next week.

Man United Vs Man City: Dullest derby in history....seriously.....

…......Okay.....that was...........something...........was it? I'm not sure. It was a game so interminably boring and so devoid of any action you could scarcely claim that a game had taken place at all. A dull, flat lifeless ninety minutes that could have been written off as a huge conceptual art piece about the limits of human boredom. It was written this way from the start though. The instant anyone saw the team sheets the notion that this was going to be a guns-blazing affair were dashed. Replaced only by the hopes that watching two groups of millionaires list around a pitch would somehow result in a black hole opening up in the middle of the pitch and swallowing the whole stadium whole, you know, just to liven things up a bit. Both teams have utilised two forms so far over the season and both were so afraid of losing this game that both went defensive. Van Gaal fielded three central midfielders to clog up the main channel and Pellegrini responded by shoring up his own central area by deploying both Fernando and Fernandihno. Both teams set up to nullify the other, not overcome them. A thrill-ride this was not.

Both strikers were completely isolated. Telling stats from this bore-fest. It was a full 82 minutes before a shot on target was had. Both teams only mustered one shot on target each and Rooney had exactly ONE fucking touch of the ball inside the opposition box. There was such a lack of any kind of impetus to score a goal........................you know what?..............fuck it........I'm not doing this. LITERALLY NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED. I've got nothing to talk about. We all know how much fucking money both teams have spent on garbage so I'm going into that. Look, United have to travel to Palace next week and City have Norwich and let's hope to fuck that they pull their thumbs out of their arses and play with some fucking balls.

Liverpool Vs Southampton: First real test for the Akloppalyse.......................

This match promised to give the new Liverpool manager a stern test of the new system he's imparting. Southampton will not be as meek as Spurs were last week and will look to capitalise on the relative weaknesses of this Liverpool squad, notably those in attack. With only a half-fit Benteke and their fourth-choice option in Origi Liverpool are shit out of options up front. No doubt they'll see now as the ideal time to take three points off Liverpool, before whatever Klopp is trying to do with them clicks into gear. Southampton are looking for those points to keep them within reach of the pack leading the table. Liverpool will be hoping to not fall too far behind before their striking options all return from injury. It doesn't help that Coutinho has been below-par this season also. The lack of any impact of Liverpool on their fans can be seen with the lack of any of the serious atmosphere wherever they play.

Any promise of a decent game was not shown at all in the tedious first half. All excitement was saved for the last fifteen minutes. Liverpool started with Origi up front and his lack of experience showed as his link-up play with the rest of the team was lacking, despite them not really helping him out much. He was hooked at half time for Benteke who immediately linked up with Lallana for a chance that went out for a corner. Liverpool won a series of corners that came to nothing but served to give the previously quiet crowd something to cheer. They really got something to cheer on the 77^th minute when Milner won possession back on the right flank, ran forward and measured his cross to perfection. Benteke stole a yard on Fonte, leapt into the air and thumped his header on the net. It was a cracking, typical big centre-forward header of a goal. The cheers lasted until four minutes from time when Ward-Prowse slung a free-kick into the Liverpool box. The defence failed to deal with the first header and the second before Ramierez headed tamely across the goal and Mane fumbled the ball in. The match was destined to end in a draw and Mane made a further impact by committing two idiotic, rash tackles , picking up two yellow cards and getting himself sent off in added time. Liverpool will need Benteke for their next game as they travel to Stamford Bridge to play Chelsea and Southampton could not hope for more accommodating opponents (as Spurs found out) than Bournemouth next week.