Gameweek 17: "Onward into the Christmas schedule!!!" cried the FA.................

This weekend marks the start of officially the most insane schedule in all of world sports: The premier league Christmas rumble. While every other league is giving their teams most of Christmas off to rest, recuperate and be with their loved ones, the premier league is saying “Fuck that shit, we pay you chimps to play so you'll fucking play”. This bank balance management leads to teams playing games on the 26^th through to the 30^th and onto the 3^rd. So enjoy this weekend as it's the last time most players will get to have the guts of a week off in-between matches for a while. So let's crack into this weekend while the league prepares to crack the whip..........................

Chelsea Vs Sunderland: Headless team of prima-donnas trundle pathetic Sunderland.....

Chelsea's first match without Mourihno (again) was a loaded one. Win and look good and they'd be denounced as mercenaries who revolted against a popular ( popular amongst Chelsea fans, anyway) manager, lose and they'd still be denounced as it would confirm they really are as shit as they've been making out. So Chelsea's only hope is to scrape a win and not look too convincing whilst doing so. Pity they were up against one of the few teams playing worse football then them. Sunderland are coming off the back of two losses (after winning twice on the trot) and are firmly locked into a relegation battle already. Hilariously they go into a match against the current champions only two place below them and looking like they could possibly get something here. Sadly Sunderland were Sunderland and contrived to give Chelsea everything, including a few scares. Even as the Chelsea fans loudly booed their own players, Sunderland managed to be worse. For the new guy, Hiddink (again), it was not a match that would tell him anything other than how toxic the atmosphere is currently at Chelsea with three of his biggest star players (Hazard, Fabregas and Costa) singled out for torrents of abuse and subsequently labelled “The Three Rats”

It took less than five minutes for Chelsea to take the lead and in the style that befit the day it came from one of their serial under-achievers this season, Ivanovic. He rifled a Willian corner into the roof of the net. Coates was completely at fault, letting Ivanovic go and gave him plenty of room for the header. Coates was at fault for the second too, eight minutes later, when he was caught horrendously out of position for Ivanovic to sling in a cross for Pedro to thump in, leaving Pantillimon no chance. Coates was subbed off seven minutes later having shambled his way around for 23 paltry minutes. His removal led to the restoration of some sense of stability and Sunderland managed to scrape into the break at 2-0 despite Costa coming close with two gilt-edged chances. The second half started as a continuation of the first with Chelsea dominating and pouring forward with Sunderland desperately trying to keep afloat. Five minutes in, Willian was hauled down in the box and Oscar converted from the spot to make it 3-0. Then the scares came in. Borini pulled one goal back two minutes later after Courtois flapped a Kaboul header onto his leg and Borini nearly capitalised on some more suspect handling from Courtois and Whatmore could've racked up one too after another gaffe. He somewhat atoned for those shakes with a solid save from Defoe late on but that second half passage only served to highlight the weak points in this Chelsea team that any team better than Sunderland (and there's quite a few of them) would've exploited. Chelsea have Hiddink fully in charge for their next match to Watford and he'll need to bolster that defence to keep out Deeney, Ighalo and Co. Sunderland limp onto their next match against Manchester City like their walking to a gallows and, in a sense, they really are......

Everton Vs Leicester: Foxes chew up the brittle toffee defence........

I've spoken before about the Everton defence not exactly being something you'd make the bedrock of an entire season. It's been the chief source of headaches for toffee fans and staff alike and also the chief reason they languish in 10^th despite possessing far more talent than a lot of the teams above them. For all the bright sparks they've got upfront there's an evident dullness at the back (Stones not withstanding) and it's really starting to get to them and this match was proof pudding of that fact. In fact, it was embarrassing at times to see how easily Everton self-destructed in defence. The first goal came from a Fuchs throw that Vardy had lobbed speculatively into the box. Any other defender would've put his foot through it but Funes-Mori decided (for some reason) to try to play the ball out. In the process he wound up hanging out of Okazaki and the referee correctly pointed to the spot. Mahrez tucked it away. Everton then showcased the better side of their game by equalising five minutes later, with some nice interplay between Kone, Lukaku and Deulofeu (when he wasn't rolling around like a twat every time he was tipped) found Barkley who's low shot was saved. The re-bound went straight back to him but he again couldn't convert thanks to King. That rebound went to Lukaku who made no mistake and slotted home. The rest of the goals came in the second half, along with the Everton midfield totally ignoring their defence, with the first coming after twenty minutes. A sustained bout of Leicester pressure led to Mahrez sliding a neat ball for Vardy who was then cleared out by Howard. Mahrez converted that one too. Leicester had hit there stride and racked up the third, four minutes later. A lame Everton throw to Coleman was following by an equally lame clearance attempt. Albrighton charged it down and the ball broke to Vardy who's square ball across the box to Okazaki was finished well. Spurred on somehow (maybe from the screams of more than a few Arsenal fans) Everton began to apply some pressure and Leicester broke in the 89^th when a Lukaku shot was pinballed around the box and fell to Mirallas who fired home to set up a nerve-wracking last few minutes. Leicester now have to contend with going into a tough fixture run at the top starting with Liverpool next week, Everton have the revitalised Newcastle.

Manchester United Vs Norwich: Canaries outplay the Red Devils to ramp up the heat......

Oh how United needed a win here, and how badly they played to spite themselves. Mnay were expecting that, with their back seriously to the walls and about to slip out of the top four, some semblance of the old United would creep back and secure at least a point. Maybe a win even, most were thinking, against a team second from bottom and mired in a relegation race already would not be too much for a team of this calibre, no matter how badly they're playing. Sixty minutes later and United are two nil down having not registered a single shot on target and not looking like doing so either. Norwich had a defensive, counter-attacking gameplan to operate and they stuck to it and got a much-deserved win. For everyone harping on about Norwich and their defensive tactics today I ask: “Did any other method make any sense for them?” Seriously, just look at their team and tell me how they'd have gone about playing open football. The gameplan had a nous of simple psychology to it: Don't concede and United will panic, then strike. Norwich gave over possession (they had the ball a mere three minutes out of every ten) and didn't even manage to win a corner yet had slotted home twice and won.

For United, looking back, it's obvious the main weak point was tactics. Playing Fellaini and Carrick in front of Jones and Smalling was asking for trouble. With Smalling the only one with pace it left the centre wide open for Norwich's forwards to exploit. And exploit they did. The first goal was a showcase of how easy this current setup was to by pass. Redmond picked up the ball just inside his own half and made up around thirty yards before any tackle was put in, he slid the ball off to Jerome on his right. Jerome then skipped past the desperate obvious tackle from Young and, with Carrick plodding behind him and Smalling trying to get in front, had pretty much the entire box to himself and his shot still found the back of the net even though De Gea got a hand to it. Th efirst half ended with lots of United possession, no shots and plenty of boos. The second half kicked off the same way until fourteen minutes later when Rooney got caught in possession in the centre circle and had hid pocket picked by Tettey. He played a short ball to Jerome and continued his run, tracked by literally no-one. Jerome covered around ten yards and slid a superb through-ball back for Tettey and his finish was low and hard into the bottom left corner to sent Old Trafford into a chorus of boos. United then finally got their first shot on target and their first goal twelve minutes later. Young pegged it to the byline to keep in an errant pass and his cross was delivered just a fraction to high for Rooney. Rooney's attempt, however, helped the ball onto Martial who held off a series of increasingly desperate tackles to fire the ball into the roof of the net. Mata got the second shot on target in the 78^th minute when Martial was fouled in a good position for a free kick and Rudd did well to keep it out. Full time trudged on and the boos rang out once again. United have to start the Chirstmas schedule against who will really fancy their chances of taking all three points. Norwich are out of the relegation zone and will have a job of staying out against Spurs.

Southampton Vs Spurs: Saints go limping in as Spurs go top four...........

It's been a bit of a familiar story with regards to Southampton. The feelings from the wondrous season they had and the subsequent fending off (well, mostly) of the predators who tried to poach virtually their entire fucking team has given way to a feeling that's definitely more “sinking” than anything else. They're 12^th and not up shit creek by any stretch but any more results like today and the alarm bells will be ringing. Today saw their fourth defeat in their last five games and, more worryingly, no signs that the team are learning from their mistakes. Suicidal defending, complete lack of finishing and running out of gas in the final third of the game have been hallmarks of their previous performances. So strange for a team that used to pride itself on relentless intensity. Spurs have halted a winless run of three games and are now top four and will be looking to stay there given how generally awful their surrounding opposition have been. They will definitely feel if Pochettino can wring some of his trademark consistency from this team, Europe's premier club competition will be a reasonable target for them, which will certainly help them retain some of their prized assets coming into the summer transfer window.

The start of this match didn't showcase the result and it would've been a far different match had Southampton's aforementioned finishing issues not reared their head so early. Mane was put through in the sixth minute, albeit at a tight angle, and his shot was deflected wide by Alderweireld. The resultant corner came to nothing. Two minutes later a Lloris punt forward was headed to Tadic who ran down a totally clear left flank and squared the ball across perfectly for Mane on the edge of the box. Mane was unmarked and the pass had caught the entire Spurs backline in the middle of their “statue” routine. His side-footed shot was strong but too near Lloris who got down well to save it. It was a golden opportunity. Spurs began playing themselves back into the game and got their first real attempt through Kane when he played a neat one-two with Eriksson and Gazzaniga could only parry his shot out for a corner. Then in the 40^th minute Lamela and Alli moved the ball forward in a swift counter-attack and Alli was cleaved out of it. The ball bobbled to Kane and, with the Southampton defence expecting the whistle, the ref played advantage. He strode forward, yards clear of anyone else and placed the ball into the far corner of the net. Three minutes later another Spurs counter caught the entire Southampton defence napping when Walker ran down the right flank with three other Spurs to his left. Not a single challenge was put in and his neat, low cross went straight to Alli's feet, totally unmarked at the back post, and he slotted home while the defenders still had their hands in the air. Fitting returns for the horrendous tackle put on him earlier. The second half petered out mostly event-free as Spurs shifted down a few gears and Southampton contrived to almost shoot themselves in the foot again with some calamitous defending. Spurs will take on Norwich next week and will be in fine spirits following this comically easy win, Southampton will hope to avoid another North London nightmare as they have Arsenal next.

Stoke Vs Crystal Palace: Eagles get justice thanks to Lee screamer............

Both teams today lined out dizzy from recent highs. Stoke's 0-0- draw at West Ham last week has not deflated the good mood they picked up with their comprehensive 2-0 win over Man City and Palace have been sitting pretty towards the upper end of the table for a while now. Pardew's lofty goal of a top-six finish seems not as nakedly flippant as it did at the start of the season. It's clear both teams have overhauled their images as of late and both are reliant on key pivot signings; Stoke have Shaquiri who returned today, Palace have Cabaye who was injured. If Stoke had one issue it was their inability to perform in the final third (they're the joint lowest scorers) and while they definitely performed better in that regard, they could do with a more clinical approach. And not encountering goalkeepers like Hennessey. Palace needed to maintain their shrewd away form and defended compactly, happy to allow Stoke possession, only applying pressure in their own half and only breaking forward when it seemed it would lead to a sure thing. This approach, of course, resulted in a game in which nothing much really happened outside of some strong midfield duels and periods of Stoke pressure. Stoke actually had their best chances in the first half with their main one coming on the 38^th minute when Van Ginkel flicked a cross off the outside of the post. It would be the closest they would come to scoring the entire game.

With the first half end looming, added time brought the respite. A lobbed free-kick was poorly dealt with and Delaney helped the ball to Zaha. While it cannot be disputed that Zaha was moving away from the goal when Whelan's tackle came in, it also cannot be disputed that he got Zaha's ankle rather than the ball. Zaha went down and the ref pointed to the spot. Up stepped Wickham to produce quite possibly the most thumping fucking penalty I've seen in ages. He hit that ball like it fucking owed him money. The second started off with more spice as five minutes after the restart Johnson came close with an arrowed shot that Hennessey palmed away for a defender to put clear. Seventeen minutes later Arnautovic came within an inch of levelling it when his shot skimmed off two defenders and brushed the side of the post with Hennessey (for once) well beaten. The 74^th saw Krkic somehow completely unmarked in the box and when a horde of penalty appeals went up for a foul he had only Hennessey to worry about. Unfortunately Hennessey was more than able to get low to his left to parry out the shot. Then, in the 75^th minute, what could've been the turning point of the game happened. After affording Shaquri far too much time and space on the flank to just swing in crosses, one of them bounced straight up in the air and when it came down Delaney and Whelan jumped for it. The ball missed both heads and instead came down on Delaney's arm. The referee pointed to the spot. Krkic stepped up and Hennessey nearly kept it out but it was hit too strongly. Palace then applied their own pressure and should've scored when Bolasie was put clean through when McArther cleverly dummied a Lee pass. Butland got out just in time to save. The corner led to some penalty box pinball and when it was eventually cleared as far as Lee, over twenty-five yards out, no-one expected what happened next. Lee ran onto the ball and caught it sweetly for a shot that soared into the far corner of the net. It was unbelievable and a sure-fire candidate for goal of the season. Butland, even at full stretch, could do nothing. What a fucking to seal the win. Stoke can take heart form their performance, if not the result, and will fancy that another one like this will see them rewards against a languid Man United next week. Palace will be looking to get their foot firmly in the top spots against Bournemouth.

West Brom Vs Bournemouth: Cherries bite twice as the Baggies lose their heads........

It's now three on the trot for Bournemouth. Their industrious hard-work ethic had been getting a going over in the press (and by his own board and fans too) a month back. Fast forward to today and they've racked up straight wins over Chelsea, Man United and West Brom. They've added good attacking play onto the solid team ethic and it's now paying huge dividends back in the form of nine points from games they'd no right to expect anything from. That they're doing it whilst in the midst of an injury crisis speaks volumes about the atmosphere Howe has borne into this team. West Brom, on the other hand, look just inches from a crisis. It must be incredibly disheartening to their fans that the clubs' sole aim is to stay up, there's not even a token effort to live up to the aspirations of entertaining, expansive football. Also the petulant way they went down to nine men today will not boost the flagging spirit in the dressing room. Now shorn of one of their few specialist wingers and their main goal threat until mid-January it remains to be seen how Pulis will re-jig his team to compensate. Berahino cannot play the lone striker role Pulis favours and it's clear that, after whining for weeks about how much he wanted him on loan, he would rather field ten men then put Gnabry on the pitch. There's a weird method to how Pulis uses the so-called “flair” players he has. He seems to collect them purely on the basis that everyone else has them, yet can't bring himself to field any of them, and won't consider ending the loans early to avoid paying their wages. It's baffling.

Bournemouth sure wasted no time here, Murray teeing up Stanislas for a ferocious drive that Myhill could only palm away. He wasn't catching that one, it would've broken his wrists. The match cantered around until the 34^th when a 50-50 challenge between McClean and Smith left McClean holding his foot in pain. When nothing was given he promptly got up, ran to the byline and scythed a tackle over the ball onto Smith's shins. Fuck a red card, that tackle deserved an assault charge. He walked and Brommie were down to ten. A week after calling Klopp “a bit of an idiot” for refusing to shake Pulis' hand. Karma can be a quick bitch when she wants to be. The first half with Bournemouth squandering a late chance when Ritchie was clear in the box only to head wide with the goal at his mercy. The second half would present most of the action in this game with West Brom making a rare foray into the Bournemouth box. Evans lofted in a superb ball straight to Rondon who brilliantly chested it down, turned and fired first-time a the top corner. It required a fantastic reflex save from Boruc. The 52^nd saw the first goal when Surman's diagonal long-ball found Smith wide right. He trapped the ball well and ran straight across the face of the box. With everyone expecting a pass, no-one put in a tackle, and his shot was perfectly placed into the bottom right corner. West Brom equalised in the 79^th when Dawson won a corner and Gardner swung in a great cross for McAuley to glance it in across the goal line and in off the post. The 83^rd saw Bournemouth's set-piece defending again so to shit when a floated free-kick left Dawson free and clear with a header that he somehow put wide. Bournemouth would score the defining goal five minutes later. A Bournemouth corner was well cleared to Lambert who succeeded only in getting his feet caught up and lost the ball to Gosling, who he never bothered chasing down. This left Gosling running full steam past Fletcher who's attempt to foul him outside the box was so slow they were both inside the box when he made contact. The ref pointed to the spot and Daniels smashed home the penalty. Bournemouth are looking well out of danger and are riding high and will need every ounce of drive to get past Palace next week, West Brom will need quite the Christmas miracle to see anything from Swansea.

Newcastle Vs Aston Villa: Point apiece in the monsoon rain............

Relegation haunts both of these teams like a vengeful spectre so the imperative was probably more on “don't lose” than “must win” which meant that any hope of free-flowing scintillating football today was diminished. It was snuffed out even further thanks to rain so heavy it made accurate passing next to impossible. The start of the first half bore this out as both teams lost possession without any hint of strong counter-attacking going on. Indeed the first chance came in the 28^th when Janmaat's cross was met by Cisse in the box. His header was straight at Guzan. Cisse's next act would be to injure himself chasing a lobbed pass and he replaced with Mitrovic. Mitrovic then comically missed a Sissoko cross. His improvised header, with the ball slightly behind his head, in the 36^th forced a good tip-over save from Guzan. That led to a Colback corner which bobbled it's way through every player and arrived for Colocinni completely unmarked at the back post to smash home.

The second half saw an easing in the rain and a super shot in the first minute from Vertout that Elliot needed to be good to keep out. That parry led to a Newcastle counter-attack that ended with Sissoko attempting a left-foot shot and scuffing it harmlessly wide. The 56^th saw a pivitol moment when an over-hit Janmaat cross was kept in by Wjinaldum (and the water-logged pitch) his lobbed cross fell to De Jong, unmarked and three yards out, at the back post. Somehow he headed wide. It was a chance they'd come to rue. The 60^th saw his substitution for Perez and Villa introducing Gestede. It was the latter that proved to be influential as he spurred Villa to life. He forced a tip over from Elliot with his first touch. Vertout's corner didn't make it past Colback who headed it clear to Hutton who gave it back to Vertout. He slung in another cross which found Ayew on the far corner of the box. He jinked around a tackle and shifted the ball onto his right foot and then unleashed a curling shot into the far corner of the net. A goal from no-where that kept Villa in it. Villa fought back with Gestede narrowly missing a cross that would have been a tap in. the 74^th saw Wjinaldum fluff his lines from seven yards out after being found by Perez, the resultant shot will only be classed as “on target” solely by virtue of Guzan having to pick it up. The 88^th saw Gestede latch onto a Vertout corner with a header that Elliot had be alert to tip over. Sissoko and Perez then combined in the box, in the 90^th minute, only for Perez to baloon the ball over the bar. Newcastle have Everton to contend with next week and it'll be a very unhappy Christmas if they defend this roughshod again. Villa will take this glimmer of hope (they're still bottom remember) and will seek to find some more against the Hammers.

Watford Vs Liverpool: Klopp gets it wrong as the Hornets help themselves............

Watford are flying high it has to be said. Their fourth win on the trot has seen them to within a point and some (okay, quite a bit) goal difference off the top four. In doing so they handed a dour Liverpool team a thumping that reminds them that, for all the talent and cash, they're still a work in progress. Although, after this display, quite what they're working towards or progressing to remains a mystery. True to their nickname Watford swarmed Liverpool, from the off, forcing error after error. The backline were totally unable to deal with either Deeney or Ighalo let alone both at the same time and Bogdan choose one hell of a game to produce a gaffe. He wasted no time in producing it either, the third minute, when he fumbled a Carson cross, under zero pressure and Ake simply kicked the ball in. Bogdan later claimed that he had both hands on the ball when it was kicked but he never looked even remotely confident that the ball was under his control. Watford continued hustling Liverpool all over the pitch, with Ake pretty much laying claim to the entire left flank, and the second goal was pure persistence. Deeney ran Lucas ragged and stole the ball from him and immediately clipped it over the top for Ighalo to chase. Despite Skrtel having a brief headstart he didn't count on Ighalo's persistence and the ball broke wide, Ighalo reacted first, collecting it and looping it into the far corner of the net.

Klopp started this match with no recognised strikers for some reason. It's obvious Liverpool have a goal problem as they remain the only top-ten team with a negative goal difference so quite why he started with Benteke and Origi on the bench is beyond me. Origi got on when Skrtel injured himself in the 41^st minute. This restored some fight to the team after the break and Moreno and Origi himself went close. Ibe and Benteke were subbed on in the 74^th with the hopes that simply “going for it” would produce something, anything. The second half did have a goal in it but it was for Watford as Behrami stole down the right and crossed for Ighalo in the box. He buried his header to seal the three points. Liverpool have a worrying conundrum ahead of them next week as they take on Leicester, play with no attackers again and they're doomed. Play with some and they may be handed a trouncing that'll sting far more than this one. Watford will be taking their brand-own blend of muscle and skill to Chelsea next week and they'll fancy taking all three there as well.

Arsenal Vs Manchester City: Battle of the favourites opens up a gap at the top............

This was the early one for Arsenal. Their first game against City, while undergoing their annual injury crisis, would prove their credentials as title contenders this season. Win, and they're set as favourites; lose, and they'll just be another pretender Arsenal team imploding as per usual. This was the time for Arsenal to show that they can truly mix it up and stay in the race, even when everything is going wrong for them. And how they did. Arsenal employed a tactic that suits their players to a tee, counter-attack. Utterly ruthless on the counter they showed why they are head and shoulders above all other (except maybe Leicester) when moving forward. They cut straight through the City midfield and defence at will and should've been four clear by half-time but for some, unfortunately also trademark, Arsenal profligacy. It also helps that they were up against a City team that seemed just not interested in the game and had already gone on holidays. Also, without Kompany, the central pairing of Otamendi and Mangala were, again, nothing more than 50 million worth of useless tripe. City again thought that they could defend with reckless abandon and get away with it and were punished for it. They can have noexcuses about squad depth or injuries: their bench cost more than the entire Arsenal team they faced.

Simply put, they afforded far too much space to Ozil. Without Alexis and with Ramsey and Flamini in place of Coquelin and Cazorla, it was plainly obvious that everything Arsenal planned to do was going through Ozil. Yet City refused to man-mark or even press him. Instead Toure blundered about like a race horse that's bucked it's jockey leaving Fernandinho alone to try to screen a shaky defence from Ramsey, Walcott, Campbell and Giroud whilst also contending with Ozil. No chance, pal. To make matters worse, Arsenal were set up to counter, meaning that the overloaded backline had to contend with the pure pace on the break, when most of the other players were out of position and gaps open up. On the 33^rd minute Ozil interplayed with Giroud to receive the ball in the box, he played it slightly back to Walcott on the edge who shifted onto his right and swerved the ball far corner to open the scoring. That was Ozil's 14^th assist of the season so far. He notched up No.15 twelve minutes later when he collected a shanked clearance from Mangala (who had no need to do so as he was under no pressure) and his through-ball for Giroud was so perfect that he did not even need to break stride, he rode over Otamendi's idiotic, desperate slide block and thumped the ball across the goal into the net. One of the key aspects of Arsenal's new-found forward game is a defensive stability and calmness unlike anything they've had in a while. They kept Silva under wraps meaning that anything that was going to happen was coming from De Bruyne. In an attempt to free him up some more, the two drifted right to tag-team Monreal. Ramsey's powerful running from deep was causing City all sorts of problems and he really should've scored when one-on-one with Hart only to see his shot bounce off the keepers face. City pulled one back and set a nervy endgame in place in the 83^rd minute when, of all people, Toure woke up to realise he was actually playing a match. He took the ball on the edge of the and his shot couldn't have been better placed had it been on remote control. City spurred into life and Arsenal compacted and hit on the break. The match ended with Arsenal victorious. They now take on Southampton next week for a fairly winnable (if their title claims are to have any weight) run of games. City have to go back to the drawing board and have no better team to do that against then Sunderland.