Gameweek 25: Let's get back in this......

After a sustained period out with my own litany of maladies including, but not limited to; Injuries, writers block, excessive drinking and not giving a fuck, I gathered it was time to get back on the horse so to speak. And this has been one restless fucking horse. With Leicester five clear and everyone else utterly incapable of dodging the banana skins the league is more open and more chaotic than ever. This week was no exception with City failing to put up any fight, Liverpool skidding to a halt and the clash of two titans turning in a bore-fest for the ages. Hell, even Villa are failing to live up to their tag of a guaranteed three points by . So without further ado.....

Manchester City Vs Leicester: Foxes put the billionaires to the sword and pull ahead.....

With the announcement of the arrival of Pep Guardiola the City players are in an interesting state: Ignore the current manager because you know he's out the door and the other guy will change everything or go for it and try to put your best game on show to ensure you're unstoppable for said other guy. Both carry the risk of the incumbent management deciding you're superfluous (for different reasons) and both risk the fans branding you a mercenary bastard. Quite how they manage to throw that label around in a team staffed entirely with mercenary bastards is a topic for another day. In any case City are a team of Schrödinger’s footballers: you don't know if they're going to play until you watch them. In the case of Yaya Toure, however, we've long known the answer: FUCK NO. He was the epitome of an empty shirt today and is surely on the way to sitting out the rest of the season like the petulant child he is. Having said that, he was in no way alone in shouldering the responsibility for this performance.

Put simply, City were taken to school. Had City walked away 4-0 down they still could not have complained, such was the disparity between the two. The musings prior to this face-off were that the Leicester spear tip attack of Vardy, Mahrez et al, would find the pondering City defence easy going, it turned out that the it was one of Leicester’s own burly defenders that was the main goal threat. In the third minute, Huth had ghosted (as much as it's possible for him to ghost anyway) in front of a failing Demichelis and shambled the ball home. It was the first set-piece of the game and it set the tone for the level of defending City were going to display. With such an early goal, Leicester were happy to sit deep and invite the pressure. Normally this would be suicidal, allowing players of the calibre of Silva permission to roam, but it worked. Leicester saw the 1-0 lead into the break and stung City again three minutes after the start. Zabaleta lost possession high up the pitch, where he'd no right to be, and with Vardy as his decoy, Mahrez ripped past the entire defence and slotted home past Hart. Off went Toure and Delph, both useless, and before the new additions could take effect, Huth scored again, heading a Fuchs corner home by simply being the only fucking player who could judge the height of the ball. And that's how the match should've ended before Aguero was gifted too much space to guide home a header to give the scoreline some balance, even if the game did not have any.

Aston Villa Vs Norwich: Head-less Villa overcome spirit-less Canaries...........

Villa claimed three vital points today and, while they'll still be rooted to the bottom of the table, Norwich are now dragged down into the relegation zone with them following this result combined with Newcastle's win over West Brom. And they've got no-one to blame but themselves. They did not even look like they were attempting to win until they went 2-0 down on the 73^rd minute and the nature of the two goals they gave up will not be filling their coaches with pride any time soon. Having won promotion two seasons in a row, relegation is the last thing they'll want but performances like this are not ones given by a team that cares if they stay up or not. Villa have given themselves a mighty boost over the past few weeks, taking eight points from their last five games. What they won't be looking forward to is seeing how their total lack of options up front affects their struggle to claw their way out of the drop-zone. Outside Agbonlahor, Villa have no-one bar youth prospects, with the closest thing they have to a back-up being a 17-year-old who was dropped by Stevenage.

That Norwich came today with an ultra-defensive setup did not help. This was possibly brought on by their recent winless run of six games with 19 goals shipped. But the setup sought to only highlight the deficiencies at the back rather than shore them up. One would think “Of course they can't defend, they've got Bassong and fucking Martin at the back” and they would be somewhat correct. They'd also need to realise that defending requires only four defenders with one midfielder to track back to be effective, why some managers ignore and pack the back is beyond me. On the cusp of the break, Villa won a free-kick and Gil slung in a floating ball that Lescott bobbled in off Klose. A stern team-talk later, Norwich were out and playing just as shit as before and conceded after seven minutes when Vertout fed Agbonlahor and he calmly fired home for his first goal since God was a boy. Then Norwich came to life and set up a nervy last fifteen minutes for Villa. However, the Villa defence has improved when Bunn was put between the sticks. His better positioning means his centre-backs don't look shit and his distribution is better (although to beat Guzan all he has to do is avoid passing straight to the opposition striker) resulting in a rare clean sheet and two goals. The only way is up for Villa.

Liverpool Vs Sunderland: Liverpool squander two-goal lead as fans leave en-masse......

I should really stipulate here that the fan walk-out had nothing to do with the draw as Liverpool were 2-0 up and cruising with only eight minutes left when they blew it. The fans had left before that. Yet while the more romantic among us will try to draw the lines between the two events, nothing could really be further from the truth. Sunderland were absolute tripe in the first half, surrendering almost 82% of the possession but Liverpool failed to do anything with it. Their passing was tame and pedestrian and Sunderland had clearly arrived with a plan to pack the box and hope Liverpool fell apart before scoring. Turns out, they were only half right.

Fifteen minutes after the re-start, Firmino (who has been enjoying a renaissance of sorts) left his marker for dead and headed a Milner cross into the goal. Liverpool steamed forward afterwards and the match seemed done and dusted when Firmino charged and awful clearance and raced into the box. His square ball left O'Shea for dead and left Lallana with the easiest tap-in goal you'll ever see. Liverpool then starting playing with all the pace of a pre-season friendly and it all unravelled eight minutes from time. That the fightback was led by Johnson (a now convicted paedophile) will serve to only rub bitter, acrid salt in the wounds. Another thing fans won't like seeing is Mignolet's, quite frankly, awful attempt to stop his free-kick in the 82^nd minute. This spurred Sunderland and they poured it on. Defoe finished expertly in the 89^th to seal the comeback although quite how five Liverpool players failed to put in a tackle as the ball was worked around for him is a question that really needs to be answered.

Newcastle Vs West Brom: The Magpies see off Brommie to clamber out of the drop zone...

Such is the paucity of confidence at Newcastle that they can virtually control a match for the entire 90 minutes and still class it as “a nervy one”. The full-time whistle saw McClaren not just sigh but actually deflate with relief. His face bears the scars of much worry and this result will see him be genuinely secure in his job since he took over. At least much more so than at three o'clock anyway. Both teams were fielding weakened defences, with Newcastle fielding a winger, Aarons, at left-back, Tiote in midfield and Taylor back after five months. West Brom were missing Evans, Morrison and Brunt. Although Brommie had the advantage of a far superior goalkeeper in Foster.

And it was Foster that was the main difference between the two teams for the most part. Having denied both Townsend from range and Mitrovic from about two yards before Tiote rifled home from 25 yards, a superb goal. Too bad it didn't stand as Mitrovic was well offside and right in Fosters' eyeline. Just when it seemed like one of those days, Shelvey threaded a great through-ball to Mitrovic who fired low past Foster. McClean later had a shot blocked thanks to a last ditch tackle from Janmaat and the half ended in a flurry. The second half saw the prodigal son in Berahino go on and his first act was to craft a wonderful chance for Pritchard, which he then blasted over the bar. Newcastle resorted to double-marking him with Taylor and Tiote paying him lots of attention. The second half ended again in a flurry as Townsend smashed the post with another long-range effort and Wjinaldum heading narrowly over.

Spurs Vs Watford: Spurs barely break a sweat dispatching the hornets......

Spurs are fast emerging as the dark horse of the campaign this season. With all eyes on the wonder that is Leicester and all the other teams fucking up to varying degrees, they have been able to steal in under the radar over the past few months to sit in second without anyone noticing. This is not an accident. One main group of people Spurs' title charge is meant to go unseen by is the players themselves to avoid any cases of the jitters from affecting his unusually young team. But any more wins and it will be difficult to contain the excitement. They've been taking on all-comers and have soundly beaten most of them to end up with, by far, the best goal difference in the top four. Watford arrive safe in the top half and looking to climb further up the table. Here, any hopes they had of winning rapidly evaporated as they were comprehensively overwhelmed for 90 minutes.

Watford had already started off on the back foot, with Ighalo forging up front alone due to Deeney picking up a knock and starting the game on the bench. They aimed to stifle the Spurs swarm forward and hit them on the counter. Quite why they chose to do this when shorn of one of their best attackers is quite beyond me because they failed to muster up one single shot on target the entire game. In fact, Watford managed only one shot in the first half and two in the second. Spurs, on the other hand, virtually peppered the Watford goal with 23 shots, eight of them on target. When the deadlock was broken it was from one of a number of superb flowing movements. Dembele and Alli combining nicely to leave Alli squaring the ball across the face of the Watford goal. Trippier, having run almost forty yards, arrived at the back post completely unmarked to tap home. Spurs never let up, mindful to prevent the breakaway goal that would've cost them two points. But it never came as Watford simply played out the game deflated from being so out-played.

Stoke Vs Everton: Toffees rampant against the walking dead......

Everton arrived at the Hawthorns on the back of a 3-0 victory, chomping at the bit to reverse what has been the most bewildering and upsetting season for them. Despite possessing the best team they've had for decades the Toffees find themselves worse off now than they have for a long time, with no real tangible target in sight for the end of the season other than “let's not fuck it up too much so we get all our best players poached”. The usual excuse of “haven't had time to gel” doesn't ring through either as most of the team have had more than a season or two to work out any kinks in their styles. Stoke, conversely (or rather perversely), sit above Everton despite having lost their last two matches 3-0 and having not scored in six games. Hughes' renaissance at Stoke seems to petering out and there's a creeping realisation that they may not nearly as good as they believe they are. A win to keep Everton at bay in the bottom half would go some way towards staving off that conclusion.

No such luck today then, as Everton cut them to shreds almost immediately when Barkley sliced clean through the backline and released Cleverly into the box. He was upended by Butland and Lukaku sent him the wrong way from the penalty spot. After that, Stoke fell to pieces. Fourteen minutes later Cleverly served in a corner and Coleman was left totally unmarked to head home in the box. The first half had yet more humiliation in store for Stoke as Wollschied dreadfully underhit a square ball so badly he should be credited with an assist for Lennons goal. He was left clean through and dispatched clinically. The second half saw Stoke conduct themselves better but they'd left themselves far too much to do and Everton just kept it nice and tidy and left no gaps for Stoke to try to worm their way back into the game.

Swansea Vs Crystal Palace: Bad habits return to bite back at the Swans.....

It was very much a match where the old habits, both good and bad, came to the fore. Swansea took the lead through a Sigurdsson free-kick and conceded a goal from a laughably defended set-piece. Spurning chance after chance in the first half, the were left to look back on what could have been a rout at full time. It would have been three much needed points for them as they languish just four points off the drop zone with all the teams below them (bar Villa of course, they're fucked) building up steam. Despite this, the swans can look back on what is probably the best performance they've put in since they sacked Monk. Palace will be happy with this draw also as it arrests a run of five straight losses and restores some much needed confidence to the squad.

Still Palace were very lucky to get anything out of this match considering how badly they started it. They were on the back foot for most of the first half which included a sublime free-kick. A crude foul by Adebayor in a prime spot led to Sigurdsson curling the ball just inside the near post. Maybe Hennessey could've done more, maybe not (being beaten at your near post isn't the best thing for a keeper), but the ball was aimed to perfection and struck with enough power to make it fly. Swansea then began to squander chances like scoring was going out of fashion with Routledge narrowly shooting wide with his own curling effort and Ayew passing up a brace of chances. The second half saw a brief Palace fight-back which led to a corner, and that was all they needed. Cabaye's excellent corner was flicked on by Delaney to tee up Dann to fire home his fifth goal in as many games. This puts the central defender as Palace's joint top-scorer. Palace would only get another sniff at goal the rest of the game with Boateng (no, not that one, the other one) pulling a decent shot wide. Swansea hunted in search of the winner but Williams came up short twice and both teams had to settle for the point at the end.

Southampton Vs West Ham: Saints fight hard for the win as the “great wall” stands tall.....

As with the Swansea game, this was a match of old habits resurfacing, particularly for Southampton: Another clean sheet for Forster (they've not conceded since he's been back), another win (their fourth in the last five games) and another red card for Wanyama (who will commence a five match ban after this) Southampton have returned to the team of last season and now have a top-six (maybe top five) finish well in their sights. The old method of a solid back line, complete with a brick wall of a keeper, and a turbo-charged midfield and attack reaped dividends for them today even if it all went awry after Wanyama lost his head and was sent for an early shower. West ham will look at this match as the very epitome of why they need to sharpen up when applying pressure, they registered 18 shots in total with only two on target. No doubt their failure to bother Forster more than once will be a main talking point, especially considering the sheer amount of pressure they applied for most of the game.

In the end it was a wonderful early goal and a stalwart back line that won it today for the Saints. It had been sign-posted though as Soares managed to wander into the Hammers box completely unnoticed on the eight minute. Only a superb Adrian save denied him. Yoshida's goal, coming in the ninth minute, was gift-wrapped for him when Clasie's massively over-hit corner was recovered by Wanyama who played a cute passing game with Mane before hitting a low pass into the six yard box for Yoshida to tap home. Then Southampton were happy to play the waiting game. It took a full thirty minutes for West ham to produce an attempt on target, it unfortunately turned out to be their best one of the game. Wanyama giving away a stupid free-kick and Reid getting a free header five yards out which produced a scarcely believable reaction save from Forster. West Ham fought their way back in and were well on top by the break. Then the match turned. Following the re-start Wanyama absolutely scythed into the back of Payet and got a straight red. With him to shackle him anymore, Payet was free to wreak havoc in midfield. Yet they were unable to even test the Southampton goal any further and will certainly rue this as, at least, one point dropped.

Bournemouth Vs Arsenal: Quick fire goals keep the Gunners in the title race..........

Arsenal came into this game in desperate need of two things: goals and points. Having trundled to a 0-0 draw last week (in which Forster racked up a league record ten saves) confidence was at a season low and they needed a boost from somewhere: enter Mesut Ozil. Despite being odds-on to break the season assists record and turning in a raft of fine performances his detractors always pointed out that he'd others to look to to drive the game onwards while he pulled the strings, their main question was: could he run a game all by himself? Bournemouth were to prove willing test subjects for this experiment. With Alexis not yet back to firing on all cylinders and every striker either injured or on a dry patch and barely any goals coming from midfield, it was down to Ozil to either provide the spark or drag it out his team-mates. He did both in the space of two minutes. Bournemouth also helped out in their own way with an unusually slow start to the game which allowed Arsenal far too much space and time on the ball. Ramsey was energetic in midfield, haring up and down the pitch and contributed some nice touches too and Oxlade being a surprise pick on the wing over both Campbell and Walcott. He needed to have a good game and he gave one.

It was a somewhat hectic start from Arsenal, probably from the shit-show at Southampton last week. It was personified by a ridiculous two-footed lunge by Flamini on the eighth (yes, eight minutes and he's going in two-footed) minute which could've gotten him sent off. As it were he won the ball first and made no contact but had the ref produced a yellow instead of a red you couldn't have complained. Arsenal went forward in search of goals and found one on the 23^rd when Ozil was found in the middle of the box by a Giroud header and he rifled the volley into the roof of the net. Ninety seconds later Ozil started another move which led to Ramsey sliding a nice through-ball in for Oxlade to run onto. He arrowed the ball across the goal and it pinged in off the far post. While heavily stunned fomr blinking too long and conceding twice so fast, Bournemouth picked themselves up and took some control back. Arter thumping a superb effort from long-range that required a full stretch save from Cech to keep out. Then he produced another great save in stoppage time, saving at the feet of Smith after he was allowed a free header. The second half opened to the hectic pace of the end of the first with Smith hitting the side netting and Alexis having a good shot saved by Boruc. The game settled down with Arsenal knowing they'd done enough and Bournemouth knowing they'd too much to do. This was nearly undone in stoppage time again when Cech made a fantastic double save from Cook and Arter to keep his clean sheet.

Chelsea Vs Manchester United: Bore-Score draw as two limping heavyweights collide.....

A game which normally is two teams competing for the top honours was, today, a game between two teams struggling to make an impact on the league. Both teams on a poor run of form and in poorer positions than they've been in a long time a win was vital for both while a draw would only serve to help those around them. With both teams under fire and all eyes on both managers (on one considerably more so) this was an ideal time for Van Gaal to cast off the hate and steal a run on the top spots. Instead, despite a much improved showing, he will have to resign himself to claiming Champions league qualification via the Europa league, whereas Chelsea's only hope is to win the tournament itself.

As was said, United started this game in control. They bossed the possession and played the ball from the back with a view to cutting in from the flanks as opposed to running down them. This meant no width due to th elack of wingers but it also meant a strength in the central areas where players like Mata and Lingard thrive. Both full-backs overlapped and bombed forward, forcing their Chelsea opposites backwards, creating space. While this tactic didn't pay out in the first half, it was obvious it was working, and in the 61^st minute they got their rewards. Jackson running the left flank and curling over a cross that Rooney nodded onto Lingard. His turn and shot into the top corner was first-class. Chelsea simply had no answer, with Oscar clueless and Willian looking like he'd somehow forgotten how to play football, their own full-backs refused to push up to counter. Hazard came on alongside Pedro to help stretch the United backline more and it worked. With the space out wide, the central players could find more room in the middle to play. This allowed Fabregas to push up, after Depay had carelessly given away possession, and his weighted pass to Costa was measured to perfection. Jackson read it well but in his desperation to get rid of the ball, his tackle simply nudged it right into Costa's path. He fired home in the 91^st minute to steal the point and deny United three needed ones.